So this following letter was what I sent to the Adoptive parents at the beginning of October. I was scared to death that they would deny my request, but they granted it. It was an awkward meeting to say the least, but at least it gave me a hint of closure. I will post further insight on the visit in another post. For now, here's my letter.
So nice to hear from my most favorite new parents!!!! Well...It is 182 days into this crazy little journey of ours, and I was beyond happy to get your update. And am anxiously awaiting your pictures. I am so happy to hear that things are well, and that you FINALLY got a chance to show her off to family and friends. I bet they were amazed! No doubt she is adorable with as much love as she's getting.
I am sending over a few pictures that I had stored on my camera, in case you wanted them. Not many, but I wasn't thinking straight at the time, and didn't take that many. I know that you guys had taken some at the hospital of the three of us, and if you still have those, I would love to be able to get a copy if its ok.
I really want to tell you both, very much, how much it means to me that you take the time to send the notes of what she's doing. I know your lives are busy with so many things, and taking the time to fit me in goes so far with me. I would love to hear as often as you'd like to send...not just Lauren, but about you guys too. My interest lies far beyond Lauren...I fell so much in love with you guys in our months together, and it is very sad not to have you around now. Which leads me to my next topic...
I have been sitting here for months trying to figure out how to send you the rest of this email. Especially after the gift I sent you was marker "Return to Sender". I sat for days trying to figure out why you wouldn't want it. This is hard for me, very hard, and above all else, I do not want to say or do ANYTHING that changes the blessings you bestow by sending those updates. I do not want to make you or M* uncomfortable, I don't want to be imposing, and in all honesty, I am terrified of ruining what I am already lucky to have. I am going to be as honest as I can with you, as I always have been and see where that goes. And if I should have already "taken the hint", then forgive me of my ignorance.
I finally broke down and got the internet at home, and I haven't figured out if it is a blessing or a curse yet. One thing the web does is provide tons of information on many many things, and so I have been visiting adoption forums one after the other trying to see what other people have gone through and how they have coped and how they are coping. And what other adoptive parents think about their birthmoms after the fact. And what type of "after arrangements" people have. Some people never talk again, some people have BBQ's ever weekend (which I think is crazy), some people are positive, some are not. I have had some of the greatest insight given to me, and I have had emails that made me feel like I am the biggest piece of crap to ever grace this planet. There is so much unsureness in the whole world of adoption. Everyone has a different situation, and a different way of dealing with things before, during, and after. After reading, and writing, and talking to 100 different people from all over the world, it dawned on me...why not just ask the ones that matter?
I have to tell you...I really thought that I was 100% fine with the concept of adopting. And I thought I handeled it well. Truth be told, I didn't. I have alot of regrets. A lot of them. They eat at me most days, throughout all nights. I don't sleep anymore. It really kinda sucks. The ONLY thing I do not regret is choosing you and M*. I wish I would have held her, I wished I would have insisted she was named so I could stop staring at all these bills that say "Baby Girl Masterson" on them. I wish I would have seen a counseler. I wish I would have known that not having an afterplan was beyond stupid. And on, and on...
I really screwed up in not figuring out what it was that I wanted afterwards. In fact, I never really thought about afterwards. I genuinely thought it would be like "Juno". Needless to say it wasn't. I thought originally I wanted no contact. And then we worked toward some contact. I really don't know what I was thinking. And I don't want to burden you with where my grief lied, or lies. This should be a happy time for everyone. I simply need a little closure.
I guess what I am asking, in all the rambling, is if you both would consider a visit with me? Just me...not P*.
Big question, I know. And no matter what you choose, I won't be angry. Legally, you don't ever have to see me again. And I respect that. And I don't plan on crying and be a mess and ruin anyone's good time. But I would love to sit with the two of you and hear your experiences throughout the aftermath.
I have so many questions. Did you get PAD? Do you regret anything? Do you wish I would go away?? There's millions of things I want to ask. No matter how the answers come out. While we were going through the whole process, I only knew two things. I wanted Lauren to be safe and Loved, and I wanted the two of you to be the ones to do it.
Adoption is a weird process. You cannot know it until you've lived it, and I never want to, nor do I have the strength to live it again. But in the "not knowing" I made alot of mistakes, and I would love some closure. I don't know if you guys have said "thank god its over...lets never think about adoption again". Me on the other hand, sit in the forums, going "How does anyone ever cope and finalize?" I am only beginning to research a subject that will have forever impacted my life. I was SO worried the whole time...the pregnancy, the birth...that you guys were enjoying yourselves as much as possible. I wanted it to be special for you. It became an obsession, and I never thought that there would be any effect on me. But there was.
So like I said, I would like a visit with you if possible. Whenever, and wherever you are both comfortable. I don't know your routine, I dont know your feelings afterwards, I don't know much of anything.
Take as much time as you need to think about it. And either way you decide, I will think no less of you. As I said earlier, legally-you owe me nothing. Personally, you don't either. It is so important to me that you are comfortable in your lives. I am not interested in sharing my pain....but I am dying to share in your joy, if only for a few hours. If your gut tells you "NO WAY", I will respect that, and not ask again. I look forward to your reponse...even if the answer is no.
And no matter what, please know that I am so thankful for your updates. I am looking forward to the pictures.
Lots of Love,