Welcome to the craziness that is my life!

This is my story in pieces. The good ones, the bad ones, and everything in between. It is messy and flawed...just like it's author. I am not a selfliss person...I am not an angel...I am a loud, opinionated, most of the time crazy, Mom. I write here the things I cannot discuss in my "day to day life". These views are my own, from my own journey. Adoption has changed my life forever, some for good, some not so good. If you don't agree with me, that's fine. It's not your story...it's mine. Consider it a manual on "How Not To Act/What Not To Do When You Are Pregnant and Considering Adoption". If you learn nothing else, learn to educate yourself to the long term affects on yourself, your family, and the child you chose to place.

Oh...and please, don't call me "bitter". I prefer the term "enlightened".


***DISCLAIMER-I don't speak for anyone but me...in this story or in life. It is here as an educational tool if anyone chooses to learn something. I appreciate comments always.***

P.S. Just because I don't actively blog doesn't mean I still don't LOVE comments. Yes, I still check them. I guess I would just rather hear YOUR thoughts, than share mine.

If you missed the story, start reading the "Posts of Some Significance" located directly underneath and to the right of this. That's the story in a nutshell.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Some Background on My Story

Many different people from all walks of life are affected by adoption. I had never really had experience with it, nor planned to...until July of 2008.

At the time, my husband and I had been together for 9 years, and were happily raising our three children as best as we could. Things were tight, but we both worked full time, and managed to get by from month to month. Despite the birth control I was on, somehow, during the fabulous events of his birthday weekend, there I was...pregnant. Our way of handling it was ignoring it, convinced it wasn't really happening. Word of advice...just because you tell yourself "this isn't really happening" it probably is anyways. At least it was in my case. Abortion was never an issue. Partly because we are not big supporters of it, and partly because by the time we accepted what was going on, it was too late. We went back and forth for days that seemed like weeks and weeks that seemed like years debating what to do. My husband removed himself from the situation, mentally. He never said anything for months.

I began talking to agencies, one after another and was getting so frustrated. Prior to this, I had carried with me the stigma of what I thought birthmothers were. It was strange to have a prejudice that I had never even realized, and then to be placed in the same situation. I guess ignorance is bliss. Me being me (and a true Aquarius I might add), I decided that Adoption was my Option, and nothing would sway me from it.  I gave up on the agencies, hopped on Craigslist (CRAZY-I KNOW) and found my Aparents. They were wonderful people, I was comfortable, and my husband left all planning to me. We did not use an agency, instead I honored their wishes to use the Maricopa County Attorney's office. This was very, very cost effective for them, and since I figured everything was going to be fine...why not? Bad choice.....

They went to every doctor's appointment with me, emailed regularly, and we really built a great relationship. There were times when it was tense...I often sensed bitterness or jealousy (if even only a bit) from my amom, but I always wrote it off to her own issues of nervousness. My goal, throughout the entire pregnancy, delivery, and placement, was to show them how amazing this whole process can be and let them experience every little bit. I never at any point though about my own feelings. My little inner voice was calm and peaceful all during the pregnancy. I felt I was doing a good thing. I gave them all of the little parenting tips I could, fun books, anything to tell them about the realities of raising a baby. I told them everything she did in my tummy, showed them the wonders of Babycenter.com, and answered every weird question they came up with. I never picked her name, wanting that to be solely their choice. And until the last month of pregnancy, I really didnt even think I'd want visits or need couseling. That's where an agency would have come in handy, I think.

Now for some reason, I technically have 4 children, but have never really "gone into labor". I have always had to be induced. The night before she (who was still not named at that point) was born, my husband finally broke his silence. He screamed and cried and yelled, "What have we done, What are we doing?" over and over and over and over again...perhaps trying to snap me out of whatever trance I was in. I told him to shush, and that everything was fine. At this point I was still in LaLa Land. I got up early the next morning, and hopped in the car to go have THEIR baby. I never identified with her as mine. From the minute I met her Aparents, I switched into "surrogacy mode" and that never shut off. I always referred to her as "their" baby, to my family, to them, to my friends, to anyone who would listen. I was not ashamed, I was proud to be helping them. I always read about coersion (sp?) from lawyers and agencies...but in our experience, I was the one that did all that. I must have told them a million times I wouldn't change my mind...and never once did I think about doing so. I was CONVINCED moreso than anything else, that she was meant for them.

My fingers are sore and this is pretty rambling, so I will finish tomorrow.

Till then....

2 comments:

  1. What a brave and difficult decision for you to make. And I have read futher in your writings to see that you too were the victim of a system that does not do enough for the aftercare for a birth mother. You are a strong and intelligent woman and I believe that you will work through this. You are right to believe that it will be a process that will take more than a few months or even a few years. Your life is forever changed by this and there is no ignoring that fact. However, I am here to tell you that you can move on, it will get better, and there will come a day when you think of your daughter and smile with pride knowing you made a decision from the heart. Do not be ashamed to be who you are. You have raised children, you know the realities of putting food on the table and having the patience to raise a child. You are more than a birth mother, you are a giving mother with a very compassionate heart.

    For now know that there are many who have been on this journey and we have all felt the pain and ridicule. Also know that there are many of us who embrace our selflessness and are proud we could ask for help at a time when so many would not. I too have children of my own that I am raising and I hug them a little tighter, laugh a little longer and smile a lot more...because I can!

    Thank you for sharing your story, and your heart!
    My best to you,
    Kelsey

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  2. I was given up for adoption by my parents. They were married and I was their 3rd child. I was unplanned and they thought they couldn't afford another child. My father was against the idea of adoption but he reluctantly agreed. It was a closed adoption because those were the rules.

    I'm sorry but your blog has made me very angry. Angry at the idea that money (or lack of) should be the driving force behind a decision to give away a child. Angry that you didn't even seem to want to hold your daughter or even want visits after she was born (although you seem to have flipped flopped on that). While reading I kept wondering how a mother could so totally shut off her maternal instincts, regardless of difficult circumstances.

    My parents brainwashed themselves into believing I was happy in my adoptive home. I wasn't. My adoptive parents were well educated, wealthy and well liked. They passed the agency home study with flying colors and received glowing recommendations from the references they supplied. My adopted father was also a predator, with a long list of victims by the time he died. So all the time my real parents were believing I was happy and loved...I was actually being abused(A closed adoption doesn't always foster accurate fantasies). I found my parents at the age of 16 and when they found out about how I grew up, they were devastated...especially my father. He felt he could have done more to stop the adoption. I wish he had. I know they didn't give me up to have me abused but it took me years to forgive them anyway. At least my mother held me, fed me and even named me while in the hospital. I can't fathom a mother not choosing to hold her baby, at least once. Unreal!

    Not all adoptions are happy but with a closed adoption you have no way of knowing for sure.

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