Welcome to the craziness that is my life!

This is my story in pieces. The good ones, the bad ones, and everything in between. It is messy and flawed...just like it's author. I am not a selfliss person...I am not an angel...I am a loud, opinionated, most of the time crazy, Mom. I write here the things I cannot discuss in my "day to day life". These views are my own, from my own journey. Adoption has changed my life forever, some for good, some not so good. If you don't agree with me, that's fine. It's not your story...it's mine. Consider it a manual on "How Not To Act/What Not To Do When You Are Pregnant and Considering Adoption". If you learn nothing else, learn to educate yourself to the long term affects on yourself, your family, and the child you chose to place.

Oh...and please, don't call me "bitter". I prefer the term "enlightened".

***DISCLAIMER-I don't speak for anyone but me...in this story or in life. It is here as an educational tool if anyone chooses to learn something. I appreciate comments always.***

P.S. Just because I don't actively blog doesn't mean I still don't LOVE comments. Yes, I still check them. I guess I would just rather hear YOUR thoughts, than share mine.

If you missed the story, start reading the "Posts of Some Significance" located directly underneath and to the right of this. That's the story in a nutshell.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Some Background On My Story...Pt 2

When we last left each other, I had just finished explaining my crazy "justification" that I was simply a baby hotel for M & L, and that no matter what my even crazier husband said, everything was going to be just fine...

So on the morning of April 5, 2009 off we went to go have a baby. The aparents picked me up at 6:30am...far too early for any of us. I remember asking them if they got a good nights sleep, since it would be the last one they would get for awhile. They said they hadn't slept at all-far too excited.

We got checked in and settled at the hospital, and I got hooked up to all the IV's and belts and all the other annoying parts and pieces that come with having a baby. M* & L* (I kept their names out because they are privacy freaks...lol) looked like they were in shock at all of the needles and equiptment. The Doctor was wonderful, coming in and out pretty often, and we had an amazing nurse who was respectful of the situation. In AZ, they also make a social worker for the hospital be present, and we had already had an enormously bad run-in with the main one the day before when we were doing one of our stress tests. She had gone into a huge discussion with me and the Amom about how she didn't feel they needed to as involved, and almost screamed at me when I told her I hadnt discussed the adoption with my own children.*(see footnote) She even put L* in tears, which pissed me off on a primal level, and I got extremely rude with her. But thankfully for everyone involved, she had the day off, and we were able to have an amazing social worker who actually respected MY wishes, instead of her own agenda first.

Anyone who's had a baby knows its "hurry up and wait" when it comes to delivery. I kept getting pumped full of pictocin, and they wouldn't break my water, which seemed strange to me. We sat there and sat there, and L* kept asking silly questions like "How long is it now?" and so on. They were both getting pretty agitated around noon, and I remember telling them that it was ok to just fight now...its labor. No one had to be on their best behaviour around here. At 1:30, they gave me the epidural, and again L* asked how long. The Dr. said because I was only at 4 cm it would be another 4-6 hours. They both looked like they were going to explode. I looked over and said to relax...she would come at 2:30. I was an expert...I should know...lol. I decided to nap for a bit, tired of watching them pace. A little while later, L* went to the cafeteria and I had to wake up M* and tell him to get L* because I thought it was time. He went and got the Dr, and sure as anything, there was a head popping out. L* came running into the room just as the big lights came up. She was asked to hold a leg, though she almost passed out, and a few seconds later, there was their baby. Perfect. 6lbs, 21 inches long. What time was she born? 2:38...I missed it by 8 minutes. Yes, Momma does know best.

Because she still had no name at this point, little Baby Girl Masterson was cleaned off and weighed, and her new Mom and Dad cried and smiled and did all that fun stuff. The staff worked on getting me all cleaned up, and then the Dr. asked what she could do for me. I told her I wanted to go home. Now. I was done, I had done my part, I had kids that needed their Mom. She looked at me as if I were crazy. I asked ten more times, and she finally told me I had to stay at least 8 hours. I had the nurses take the new family to another room, and changed back into my clothes, and sat on the edge of the bed waiting to go home for 6 1/2 hours. I was discharged at 10:45, a little over 8 hours later. I am surprised they didnt call the mental home.

The baby had to stay in the nursery overnight, so they made me hold her while we rolled over there in the wheelchair. I remember feeling bad for L*, because she was already fiercely protective of the baby, and didnt look too happy I was holding her. I think she asked why I had too, as well, and I remember being annoyed for the first time.I put her flat on my thighs, and rolled that way. Never kissed her, hugged her...still stuck in surrogacy mode. The nurses in the nursery started talking to me, and I told them that it was their baby...talk to them. They thought I was nuts too...but at the time it all seemed very justified to me.

The ride home was quiet at best. M* & L* weren't allowed to stay in the hospital without me, and I knew they were upset I wanted to go home. That, I genuinely did not feel bad about. I hate hospitals. Wanted out. They dropped me off, and said they'd see me in the morning. I remember walking into my house, like nothing had happened. The kids were happy to see me, my husband was shocked I was back so quick. I sat on the couch and watched tv. Talked to him for a bit about how beautiful the whole experience was. Went to bed. Slept great.

The next day the picked me up so we could have the baby taken home. She still had no name. I remember thinking, "WTF...you've wanted a kid for 10 years and don't have a name picked out?", but it was fleeting. I let L* sit in the chair and get wheeled out with the baby, and I remember carrying the car seat and a diaper bag. People stopped her over and over to congratulate her on her baby. I didn't correct anyone, and told them not to either. It felt like it took an hour to get her in the car, and I remember standing at the top of the parking garage thinking what a nice day it was. And I was getting tired, and dizzy, and that they needed to hurry up. L* got in the backseat with the baby and I climbed in front. I remember thinking it was wierd to sit in the front seat. I had been in their car a million times, and never had that occur. I remember thinking it was because Mommy sits in the backseat, and I started to get really teary when M* was thanking me over and over again.

When we got to my house, I gave each of them a huge hug, trying to hide tears, and never looked back at the baby. I walked in my house, smiled, and locked myself in the bathroom for 30 minutes, waiting to cry. The tears never came....

*Footnote...No, I did not discuss the adoption with my own children. I was NEVER ashamed of what I was doing, I just didnt know how to bring it up. And they never even realized I was pregnant. My super smart kids overlooked the little bit of weight I put on, and since they didn't ask, I didnt tell. If it is ever brought up by one of them, I will explain myself. I may tell them one day on my own. It just won't be today. Please save any lectures on your views on this. Thanks


  1. I was wondering if I could follow your blog.. i'm not a birth mom but an adoptive mom but I'm part of the birth mothers support group and my name is Cindy... Thanks Let me know..

  2. Any and all are welcome to follow my blog. Mine is a unique situation, and I would love to share it with anyone who is interested!


  3. Hello, I just wanted to say that I learned about your site from a friend of yours. It's so odd to read your blog. I am from Phx as well, I also have 2 other children and placed my youngest... I never did tell my kids I was pregnant. I have a 12 yr old and 8 yr old. I went to the hospital one day and when i got home, they asked if i was ok. I told them i'm fine, all they knew was that i had a gallbladder issue, and had to have surgery. i did have to have a c section, so they knew i was cut open. Kids don't know much about gallbladder anything so for what they knew i was telling them the truth. My son was placed and he then passed away only being 40 days old. I was very much involved in planning his memorial service. I then had to tell my children. Your story bring back memories, I really want to forget, but I know i never will. Thank you for making this blog.

  4. The social worker that you did not like in the hospital, did she try and persuade you not to follow through on the adoption? I am curious bc I was recently involved in a terrible adoption experience, and I felt that the workers were unethical. Also, my husband and I had a really hard time with how to ask the BM whether she was getting coerced, etc. On the one hand, I was worried it was not something she really wanted to do; on the other hand, I did not want to be disrespectful of her choice. I felt a lot of pain for her throughout the experience. The adoption did not work out for us, and I could never try to adopt again. It is too fraught with trauma. I still worry about the birth mother from our failed placement every day (she does not have the baby either).
    I started blogging about it--and just writing about it now is helping me to remember details--if I had such a hard time integrating the details of the process, I can only imagine what it was like for all the birth mothers out there. Since starting blogging, I'm learning A TON about adoption and things that need reform.
    I will continue to visit your blog--I just got the background story so far. Hope you are doing well.


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