Welcome to the craziness that is my life!

This is my story in pieces. The good ones, the bad ones, and everything in between. It is messy and flawed...just like it's author. I am not a selfliss person...I am not an angel...I am a loud, opinionated, most of the time crazy, Mom. I write here the things I cannot discuss in my "day to day life". These views are my own, from my own journey. Adoption has changed my life forever, some for good, some not so good. If you don't agree with me, that's fine. It's not your story...it's mine. Consider it a manual on "How Not To Act/What Not To Do When You Are Pregnant and Considering Adoption". If you learn nothing else, learn to educate yourself to the long term affects on yourself, your family, and the child you chose to place.

Oh...and please, don't call me "bitter". I prefer the term "enlightened".


***DISCLAIMER-I don't speak for anyone but me...in this story or in life. It is here as an educational tool if anyone chooses to learn something. I appreciate comments always.***

P.S. Just because I don't actively blog doesn't mean I still don't LOVE comments. Yes, I still check them. I guess I would just rather hear YOUR thoughts, than share mine.

If you missed the story, start reading the "Posts of Some Significance" located directly underneath and to the right of this. That's the story in a nutshell.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Why are people so hateful?

So the height of my sadness and despair really hit its pinnacle in October of last year, when the baby had turned six months. It seemed like such a milestone, and I hadn't recieved any updates or pictures for several months and was really starting to freak out. Here in Phoenix, we have a site called Momslikeme.com, and since there was a tab for adoption, I decided to post. Note to self...I will NEVER do that again.

***AND FOR THE RECORD...I chose to send a letter to my Aparents which is featured in another post, and they contacted me THE SAME DAY to set up a visit. WONDERFUL PEOPLE and that's why I love them so much!***

Here's what I wrote:


Hi! I notice that there are many, many Adoptive parents on here, but not alot of Birthparents, so I am throwing my question into the wind. Throughout the pregnancy, the three of us (Adoptive parents and I) maintained constant contact, and never really laid out a set "after plan". We were so close during the pregnancy, and have almost no contact now. In some ways, losing them was just as hard as losing the baby. They sent a picture at three months, and a quick email saying they'd send another at six months. I would really like to see them in person. Does anyone have any advice on how I should ask? I know they were so worried about me changing my mind the whole pregnancy, but they're "safe" now. The baby is theirs. Would any of you, as adoptive parents, share your thoughts please....


Here is what I got back:


***Hello! I am a birthmom and I and the adoptive parents participate in an open adoption. I usually see them once a year and hear from them periodically through out the year. (Usually on important dates; birthdays and holidays). I understand not wanting to feel like your imposing but if you all agreed to an open adoption its a two way street. It is possible that they have been so overwhelmed that they haven't realized how their absence has affected you. If you have their email address maybe try to write them a quick email to set up dinner or a playdate. Its important that you guys sit down and set down boundaries that are comfortable for all involved. Good luck!

***Since you didn't have a written birth plan for after the baby was born, I can imagine that it would be difficult. Can you contact the lawyer that facilitated the adoption? Maybe write a letter, being honest and explaining your feelings. Tell them that you are not interested in co-parenting and that the child is their child. that is an adoptive parents worst nightmare, that the birth parent will want to take the baby back (even though the laws do not allow that). If you tell them exactly what you would like - a yearly visit, updates a few times a year, etc, whatever it is. Put it into writing and maybe the lawyer could pass it on. That way you will know it got to them and they will hopefully respond. I would ask in the letter for a response either way, so that you know their feelings. Hopefully that would work in the way that you want. Maybe seeing the baby again is a type of closure that you need, for your health. If so, tell them that. To me, that would be the way to go. I wish you so much luck.


SO FAR SO GOOD...RIGHT? Not for long. Read on!!!

***My honest opinion, although it may not be what you want to hear, is that once you give your child up for adoption you have no right to contact that child again. She/He has parents, and just because you carried the baby does not mean you are its parent. You gave that baby up and I believe you should walk away and if that child chooses to contact you its the childs choice. You want those parents to treat and love that baby as if they had birthed it themselves and in my opinion that means you should not be around. Its not your business once you signed those papers. If you had wanted an open adoption you should have made that very clear...because that may not be what they wanted and they are the ones raising that child so really it is their decision now who is around the child.

***I agree with Wendy 100%. I was thinking the exact same thing, I am glad she said it because I sometimes come across a little harsh with my wording (or as Danielle would call it "lack of filter" lol) and she summed it up perfectly. Let them raise their child in peace, if they want to contact you or if the child wants to contact you...they will.

***You should have thought about all this during the adoption phase and realized that even though you have an open adoption, nothing is going to make the parents contact you if they don't want to. Maybe they realized the best interest of their daughter is not to know at an early age that she was given up for adoption and has 3 brothers/sisters out there....maybe they'll explain that to her when she gets old enough to understand but not until then...and that's their right as the baby's parents.


***I am in the process of adopting my step-daughter. It is a closed adoption. The birth mother who was the primary care taker from birth to 2 years old, now at 5 years old will never be able to see her child again, she will never be able to talk to her child again. Carrying a baby does not make you a mother. Open or closed adoption you are not this child's mother. The Mother of the child is the woman who adopted the baby and even if it is an open adoption I don't think you have the right to contact this family. Wait for the family to contact you. They are busy trying to make a beautiful loving life with their daughter. I'm sorry because I know you will now tell me how rude I am but I'm not trying to offend you or be rude...this is just the way adoptions work.

Gotta love people...

8 comments:

  1. I came across your blog on Adoption Voices. I am totally new to the site & am still learning how it works. I am so sorry that you received so many insensitive responses to your honest, heartfelt question. I am an adoptive mother. Our twin girls are now 18 months old. I absolutely consider their birth mother their first mother. Of course she is their mother since she carried them for 9 months and delivered them and loved them enough to place them in a situation she could not provide herself - she is now in a different role in their lives. And of course I am now their mother - I take care of our girls all the time, day and night. In our case, we were quite overwhelmed at the beginning and I would think that your adoptive parents are/were as well. Do what you think is best, but consider contacting them to let them know how you feel. Our adoption is very open & we see our birth mother around 3 times a year & talk to her on the phone every two weeks, and send pictures all the time. I was worried more about taking our girls out when they were younger, but now I get very excited when our birth mother is interested in meeting up with us. I hope that your situation will/has become more positive!

    I realize that you wrote this back in October, so my advice may not be applicable now. And I haven't read any of your posts other than your most recent, yet. Please try to ignore those who are unkind. They must have fears that they are facing & are choosing the wrong way to deal with them.

    carlie - trentandcarlie - blogspot

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  2. I can't believe those comments.
    Honestly, you gave them a baby, the one thing they wanted for forever and couldn't have gotten without you. The least they could do is let you see her to know she is growing, loved, and doing well.
    I would definitely contact them and let them know how you feel. Good heavens! If I was given the opportunity to adopt I would not hesitate to let that child know who she came from AND to send regular updates.

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  3. Thank you for your kind words. Yes, this is outdated by a bit...I am simply placing it here for awareness purposes. I took some of the good advice given, and sent my Aparents a letter (which is featured in another post) and being the wonderful people they are, they set a date and had an amazing visit with me.

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  4. People will always have an opinion whether it be good or bad. The point here is that you did what was best for your child. That counts for something in my book!

    Know that you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings. There are many out here, like me, who embrace being a Braveheart and are proud that we created new families. There will always be someone who will not understand because perhaps they could never be as brave as you were. Perhaps they could not fathom being so selfless. Perhaps they are jealous that you are not wallowing in a sea of despair. I say kudos to you for knowing what you want, and then asking for it!

    Keep your head up, keep their comments as just that...comments...and know that there is a baby out there that will someday know just how wonderful you are!

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  5. boo! hiss! i have a hard time with adoptive couples who have that attitude.

    please know that here at the r house, we love and respect and revere r birthparents. i can't imagine not sending them texts every week, packages every month and having visits whenever we can (usually 2-3 times a year as we live on opposite side of the country.) i don't communicate with them because i feel like i OWE either of them (even though i do owe them!!!!) but rather, these are two women in the world that i love the most, who have sacrificed the most for me and whose friendship is so dear to me.

    anyway, my advice would be to be open with them. if either one of my boys' birthmoms were hurting like this and i didn't know and there was something i could do about it ...i would be crushed. maybe they are worried about how you feel--not wanting to cause you more pain. i don't think you can go wrong with being honest and respectful with how you feel. it has worked for the last 3 years with the birth moms of my kids.

    best of luck!

    xoxox

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  6. Well, you can tell they haven't walked in your shoes. Loss is loss, and the loss of a child is the greatest pain I've ever known.
    I think people that comment cruely are afraid and if they can't have compassion for others, their lives must be very sad.
    Mary Beth Wells
    birth mom and adoptive mom

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  7. Wow! I can't say that I'm in complete shock of what people said to you because I've heard some pretty horrible things in general. But yikes!!! People just need to stop and think about what they're saying and what they'd want/need to hear if they were in the asking position.

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  8. I'm an adoptive mom in a new open adoption relationship that I would describe as very open (we're over a year in and we met two months before our son was born). We exchange weekly emails and while we saw each other about ten times in the first two months, we now visit every three months with the entire birthfamily (mom, dad and grandparents). I know it's for the best but I cannot describe how hard it is. I can't believe I'm saying that to a birthmom. I worry about my son's birthmom every single day and hope she's ok. I'm very senstitive and I find the deep and complex emotions very hard to manage. We all agree that the adoption was the right thing for them but it does not make the emotions any easier. I am totally committed to openness as I think as we all move through our feelings, we will eventually arrive at a place of acceptance and happiness, and, of course, our son will have answers to all of his questions and a relationship with his cultural/genetic family, and most likely many birthsiblings down the road.

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