So the height of my sadness and despair really hit its pinnacle in October of last year, when the baby had turned six months. It seemed like such a milestone, and I hadn't recieved any updates or pictures for several months and was really starting to freak out. Here in Phoenix, we have a site called Momslikeme.com, and since there was a tab for adoption, I decided to post. Note to self...I will NEVER do that again.
***AND FOR THE RECORD...I chose to send a letter to my Aparents which is featured in another post, and they contacted me THE SAME DAY to set up a visit. WONDERFUL PEOPLE and that's why I love them so much!***
Here's what I wrote:
Hi! I notice that there are many, many Adoptive parents on here, but not alot of Birthparents, so I am throwing my question into the wind. Throughout the pregnancy, the three of us (Adoptive parents and I) maintained constant contact, and never really laid out a set "after plan". We were so close during the pregnancy, and have almost no contact now. In some ways, losing them was just as hard as losing the baby. They sent a picture at three months, and a quick email saying they'd send another at six months. I would really like to see them in person. Does anyone have any advice on how I should ask? I know they were so worried about me changing my mind the whole pregnancy, but they're "safe" now. The baby is theirs. Would any of you, as adoptive parents, share your thoughts please....
Here is what I got back:
***Hello! I am a birthmom and I and the adoptive parents participate in an open adoption. I usually see them once a year and hear from them periodically through out the year. (Usually on important dates; birthdays and holidays). I understand not wanting to feel like your imposing but if you all agreed to an open adoption its a two way street. It is possible that they have been so overwhelmed that they haven't realized how their absence has affected you. If you have their email address maybe try to write them a quick email to set up dinner or a playdate. Its important that you guys sit down and set down boundaries that are comfortable for all involved. Good luck!
***Since you didn't have a written birth plan for after the baby was born, I can imagine that it would be difficult. Can you contact the lawyer that facilitated the adoption? Maybe write a letter, being honest and explaining your feelings. Tell them that you are not interested in co-parenting and that the child is their child. that is an adoptive parents worst nightmare, that the birth parent will want to take the baby back (even though the laws do not allow that). If you tell them exactly what you would like - a yearly visit, updates a few times a year, etc, whatever it is. Put it into writing and maybe the lawyer could pass it on. That way you will know it got to them and they will hopefully respond. I would ask in the letter for a response either way, so that you know their feelings. Hopefully that would work in the way that you want. Maybe seeing the baby again is a type of closure that you need, for your health. If so, tell them that. To me, that would be the way to go. I wish you so much luck.
SO FAR SO GOOD...RIGHT? Not for long. Read on!!!
***My honest opinion, although it may not be what you want to hear, is that once you give your child up for adoption you have no right to contact that child again. She/He has parents, and just because you carried the baby does not mean you are its parent. You gave that baby up and I believe you should walk away and if that child chooses to contact you its the childs choice. You want those parents to treat and love that baby as if they had birthed it themselves and in my opinion that means you should not be around. Its not your business once you signed those papers. If you had wanted an open adoption you should have made that very clear...because that may not be what they wanted and they are the ones raising that child so really it is their decision now who is around the child.
***I agree with Wendy 100%. I was thinking the exact same thing, I am glad she said it because I sometimes come across a little harsh with my wording (or as Danielle would call it "lack of filter" lol) and she summed it up perfectly. Let them raise their child in peace, if they want to contact you or if the child wants to contact you...they will.
***You should have thought about all this during the adoption phase and realized that even though you have an open adoption, nothing is going to make the parents contact you if they don't want to. Maybe they realized the best interest of their daughter is not to know at an early age that she was given up for adoption and has 3 brothers/sisters out there....maybe they'll explain that to her when she gets old enough to understand but not until then...and that's their right as the baby's parents.
***I am in the process of adopting my step-daughter. It is a closed adoption. The birth mother who was the primary care taker from birth to 2 years old, now at 5 years old will never be able to see her child again, she will never be able to talk to her child again. Carrying a baby does not make you a mother. Open or closed adoption you are not this child's mother. The Mother of the child is the woman who adopted the baby and even if it is an open adoption I don't think you have the right to contact this family. Wait for the family to contact you. They are busy trying to make a beautiful loving life with their daughter. I'm sorry because I know you will now tell me how rude I am but I'm not trying to offend you or be rude...this is just the way adoptions work.
Gotta love people...