Welcome to the craziness that is my life!

This is my story in pieces. The good ones, the bad ones, and everything in between. It is messy and flawed...just like it's author. I am not a selfliss person...I am not an angel...I am a loud, opinionated, most of the time crazy, Mom. I write here the things I cannot discuss in my "day to day life". These views are my own, from my own journey. Adoption has changed my life forever, some for good, some not so good. If you don't agree with me, that's fine. It's not your story...it's mine. Consider it a manual on "How Not To Act/What Not To Do When You Are Pregnant and Considering Adoption". If you learn nothing else, learn to educate yourself to the long term affects on yourself, your family, and the child you chose to place.

Oh...and please, don't call me "bitter". I prefer the term "enlightened".


***DISCLAIMER-I don't speak for anyone but me...in this story or in life. It is here as an educational tool if anyone chooses to learn something. I appreciate comments always.***

P.S. Just because I don't actively blog doesn't mean I still don't LOVE comments. Yes, I still check them. I guess I would just rather hear YOUR thoughts, than share mine.

If you missed the story, start reading the "Posts of Some Significance" located directly underneath and to the right of this. That's the story in a nutshell.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

My irritation with "Privacy"...A random vent on nothingness

So today is one of those "bad days" that we all encounter. It was not provoked by anything new...just an ongoing irritation that I have. And make no mistake...one "not so happy blog post" does not over rule my overall positive thoughts on my adoption outlook. It is just one of those things that I can't rant about out loud to my family, or to my AParents, or to my facebook page...so it comes here. I don't want any resolution for it. I just want to vent.

I will start with my irritation at my own level of "privacy". I am annoyed, outraged, irritated...whatever you want to call it...at having to be careful about what I say in the public forums such as Facebook. My husband chose not to be open about our adoption plan with the people he knew. For six months, I was banned from his place of employment, so no one would realize I was pregnant. He was not comfortable talking about or sharing with anyone our choice. So no one on "his side" knew. And more power to him...that was his decision. Where I find irritation with it, is in the fact that because of this, I have to be careful about where I talk about adoption now. I cannot comment on a lot of the things I see happening and changing in the adoption community on Facebook, nor can I publicly post about this blog or any time I get featured on a site, for fear of him freaking out about it. And I have to monitor how much stuff regarding adoption shows up on my page, or he will get upset. It bothers me, because I do not feel I should have to hide or limit my actions in the adoption community. I have a loud, intelligent, strong voice, and I do not like having it silenced. Not by anyone. Least of all my husband.

The other side of the privacy problem lies in my dealings with my Aparents, which recently have become null and void. A few weeks ago, I got to be part of a very positive spotlight on another blog, and was quite proud of it. When I shared that news with my adoptive parents, and asked if they wanted to participate, I was met head to head with a blaring "No Way". And then asked to never use their names or pictures in anything. And then told that they had zero interest at this time to be involved at all with anyone in the adoption community. And I have not recieved any further updates or pictures since then.

These people (whom I do still love no matter what...make no mistake!) are two of the biggest privacy freaks I have ever met. And it bothers me. They know where I live, they know where I work, they know everything. Yet they will share none of their information with me. I get a PO Box, and a vague description of their lives. Which is amazing in this time of the internet and quick access to public records. In reality, I have known where they live since I chose them. I even Google Earthed their house once. Do I drive by it at all hours of the night hoping to catch a glimpse of them? HECK NO. But I don't understand their choice to be so secretive, when the information is out there.

Another thing that annoys me, is my Amom's profile on facebook has been locked up tight and she removed her picture, even though I have never tried to contact her or any of her friends. Does it matter to anyone but me that I liked to stare at a picture one of the most amazing mothers I will ever encounter? I find irritation in that, because I know that there are probably dozens of pictures of that beautiful little baby on her profile. How hard would it have been for her to send me a friend's request so that I could share in those? Even if she had said, "Please don't ever contact me on there, or comment on anything" that would have been fine. At least I could have looked.

I have over 75 friends on FB and only about 10 of them do I ever interact with directly. But to be blocked? I think that is a little screwed up. Anyone who wants to befriend me on FB is welcome. I love sharing in people's lives, even if not directly. I am able to see pictures of my best friend of 6th grades family, not from the people whom I gave a child too? Very strange.

  At times, I am envious of the people out there with their fully open adoptions...complete with regular visits. Her birthday is in a month and a half. Would I love to attend her party, like so many others get to? Of Course!!! I can behave. I can pretend I am simply a friend. No one even has to know who I really am. But I can almost bet on the fact that when that day rolls around, I will be the LAST person to get sent a pretty pink invitation. And what's ironic, is that if I chose to, despite their best efforts, I could show up on their doorstep that day. And of course, I WOULD NOT...but they hide so far behind that wall of secrecy they have created to sleep soundly at night thinking that I know nothing. It just seems wrong to me.


Rob Thomas "Someday"
You can go, you can start all over again
You could try to find a way to make another day go by
You can hide, hold all your feelings inside
You could try to carry on when all you wanna do is cry


And maybe someday we'll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
And try to find a way to make things better now that
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow, someday


Now we wait and try to find another mistake
If you throw it all away then maybe you could change your mind
You can run, oh, and when everything is over and done
You could shine a little light on everything around you
Man, it's good to be someone


And maybe someday we'll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to make things better now that
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow, someday


And I don't wanna wait, I just wanna know
I just wanna hear you tell me so
Give it to me straight, tell it to me slow

'Cause maybe someday we'll figure all this out
We'll put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to just feel better now that
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow, someday


'Cause sometimes we don't really notice
Just how good it can get
So maybe we should start all over
Start all over again

'Cause sometimes we don't really notice
Just how good it can get
So maybe we should start all over
Start all over again

7 comments:

  1. Hey PerrBear!
    Ohhhhh Man! That's a lot. Life is crazy isn't it? I have a question...how long ago did you place your baby?
    Adoption morphs and shape shifts ALL the time...that is for certain. Our feelings often do the same...a lot...especially early on.
    Expectations.
    They can be a killer.
    downright awful.
    Personally, I try to not expect anything...then if something good happens, i can fully appreciate it and experience the joy!
    It's SO hard for me to handle dissapointment :(
    We have no control over others, and thats a hard pill to swallow sometimes.
    Do you have an open or semi open adoption?
    Love and Kindest Regards....
    xxxooo
    Mama K.

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  2. Hey Mama K,
    Its been a little over ten months. I don't know what type of adoption it is...my fault.

    They send stuff when they feel like it, because that's what I told them to do. I guess I just wish they felt like it more often...lol. I have been sent five pictures over the course of the last year, which gets a little annoying sometimes considering they told me they take thousands. But again...they are doing nothing wrong.

    Sometimes I need to just vent, and this was one of those times. That's the wonders of blogging...its private, and you can rant and rave without repercussions.

    The whole story is archived under January, if you want to check it out.

    Thank you for the love and well wishes,
    Michelle

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  3. I think that maybe you should have really researched this couple a little more. You knew they were pricacy freaks. You mention that they probably will not let your daughter know she is adopted. They are really to closed and private and that sends up red flags of concern for me. I know you did what you thought was best for her. It also bothers me that your husband banned you from his work. It's like he was not totally comfortable with placing of your child. Just looking from the outside in and reading what you have written I think some heavy duty counseling would be a good idea. You both are really struggling with this more than you care to admit. Were there ever any home studies done with this couple? I am not in your shoes but this whole adoption does not sound like all the others I have read about.

    ReplyDelete
  4. To answer your questions...It is because my adoption had so many differences from the "norm" that I chose to even start this blog.

    Adoption is not a cookie cutter thing as I am sure you all know. Mine was unique (at least to me) for a lot of different reasons. We went totally private, with no lawyers, no court dates, and no agency interference or involvement. I walked into the situation wanting a closed adoption, and as time went on throughout the pregnancy, I wanted more openess. We have no written agreement between us regarding visits or updates, so technically they are not out of line. I had no access to the internet when pregnant, and if I had, I would have been in a much better frame of mind to know exactly what I wanted. My own lack of finding the proper education caused 90% of the heartache I have experienced, and that is no one's fault except my own.

    My husband was completely sure of our decision to choose adoption, though for different reasons than mine. I don't think it was an issue of being uncomfortable for him, so much as he found it an embarrasing situation to be in. He has other children from a previous marriage, and did not want them finding out. The same with his co-workers. He sees the "good" in the decision and has always been at peace with it.

    And finally, everything was done legally, including homestudies and all of that. I did not know that they regarded their privacy so highly until it was all said and done. Had I known, that would have been something that we would have worked together on. If we couldn't I might have chosen differently. Then again, probably not, because I have always felt like I was simply holding her for them. At this point in time, it is a mute point. And I don't think that they will probably hide the adoption from her (at least I hope not), I just said it could be a possibility I was concerned about. I was in a bloggy tirade that day.

    I will admit, I am truly baffled how they could turn their back on the adoption community, since their experience was so "problem free" once they got to the actual adoption part of their journey, but hopefully as time passes they will realize how much their story could give others hope.

    Thank you for your concern, and I appreciate the comments.

    Love,
    Michelle

    ReplyDelete
  5. I am very familiar with what you have written. Although I had semi-open adoptions, one of them was not as open as I thought. Your feelings, thoughts and emotions are all validated with me, I think you know that. And I do agree with Kristi that this is an ever evolving road that we are all on. Just when you think things are going well, something somewhere will bring in new griefs, new challenges that we were not expecting at all.

    The good news is, you are expressing yourself and trying to work trough your pain. I did not have the internet to shout out..."This SUCKS! Why do I feel so sad? Why is this so incredibly hard for them to understand?" I wish the internet would have been around because I would have found other kindered spirits much sooner than now! And boy, am I glad that they are all out there because as much as they tell me that they appreciate my voice, they have no idea how much their support and words mean to me now, 20 years later. That is the good news, that you are realizing and vocalizing this instead of penting it up and just smiling your way through it.

    The bad new is, like I said before, this is only the begining. I do not want to sound mean or upset you, but it is the truth. There will be many days like this, and many more that will be far worse. There is no right or wrong way to handle adoption, that is why this issue raises so many questions, so many emotions. It is a matter of the heart and we all know that matters of the heart have no handbook. And it is the dark and uncomfortable days that will teach you who you really are, what strength lies within you, what you are truly made of. Some of those days for me resulted in lying in bed the WHOLE day, turning the world off and just shutting down because it was too hard to face. I had many of them, still have some now from time to time. I don't lie in bed anymore, but I still have the occasional day that sets me back.

    I say all of this because I am never one to sugar coat issues. You will continue to have thoughts and emotions that are not only confusing, but heartbreaking as well. This is truly life changing experience for anyone who places a child for adoption. But you are a strong person, Ms. Pear! You really are. You are not wallowing in a pit of self pity, you are trying to express those feelings and learn from them, help yourself deal with all that is running through your head, all that is tramplilng your heart. Time will teach you your courage, your true love for your daughter. It is not easy at all, but you are off to a good start because you are talking about it. Keep talking, keep exploring and keep reminding yourself that what lead you to choose adoption was your heart. Then, let your heart cry, scream, heal and hurt. I am here to tell you that it is okay to have these days. It is alright to not understand what is going on. This is how you will heal, how you will discover what a wonderful mother you are. You put your daughter first and yourself second. Not many can do that, and not many would!

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  6. As far as your husband goes, mine was the same way. I know he loved me, but his feelings were that it was not everyone's business. He felt that it was our story, our life and he did not care to hear what others thought of it. He is not a private person at all, but when it came to the adoption, he just felt it was no one's businees but ours and he did not need to explain his actions or feelings to anyone. That is just the kind of man he is. Doesn't mean he did not support me, he just felt that others need not project their judgement on a subject that was so personal to him.

    Know that you are not alone. Know that there are many of us out here still healing so many years later. Know that you are supported by others that have had their hearts broken, ignored and pushed aside. You are not alone, and I for one think you are handling this all very normally. Keep talking, keep writing and keep in mind that I for one think you are pretty spectacular!

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  7. Maybe your adoptive family has some kind of parallel situation with your husband's? There could be some people they really really do not want to find out who you are, or even that they adopted at all--like some crazy judgmental relative or employer that would twist any information in order to harass them or even harass you?

    Maybe you would feel better about this situation if you did have a written agreement about information and contacts. Maybe it's not too late to draw one up. It might even reassure them if they saw in black and white what exactly you do want. Video is probably a better idea than attending the party.

    Since I'm commenting months after the original post, maybe the situation has totally changed. I hope so. It sounds maddening, especially to feel so misjudged. In my experience privacy freaks are usually big worriers, and many have a history of being stalked or otherwise victimized. Being controlling about personal information gives them an illusion of safety.

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