Welcome to the craziness that is my life!

This is my story in pieces. The good ones, the bad ones, and everything in between. It is messy and flawed...just like it's author. I am not a selfliss person...I am not an angel...I am a loud, opinionated, most of the time crazy, Mom. I write here the things I cannot discuss in my "day to day life". These views are my own, from my own journey. Adoption has changed my life forever, some for good, some not so good. If you don't agree with me, that's fine. It's not your story...it's mine. Consider it a manual on "How Not To Act/What Not To Do When You Are Pregnant and Considering Adoption". If you learn nothing else, learn to educate yourself to the long term affects on yourself, your family, and the child you chose to place.

Oh...and please, don't call me "bitter". I prefer the term "enlightened".


***DISCLAIMER-I don't speak for anyone but me...in this story or in life. It is here as an educational tool if anyone chooses to learn something. I appreciate comments always.***

P.S. Just because I don't actively blog doesn't mean I still don't LOVE comments. Yes, I still check them. I guess I would just rather hear YOUR thoughts, than share mine.

If you missed the story, start reading the "Posts of Some Significance" located directly underneath and to the right of this. That's the story in a nutshell.

Friday, April 30, 2010

FORMSPRING QUESTION ANSWERED...Do you believe God has a plan for everything, or do you have to make your own destiny?

"I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy.""Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you shall receive, and your joy will be complete." John 16:20,24
    
I am by no means an expert on God, or religion, and have been staring at this question for over a week (my apologies now to whomever asked it!) out of unsureness at what to say. Until easter of this year, I had not been in a church for 19 years, and was not really sure what God had to do with anything in my life, much less anyone else's. I know that I have had a bad taste for "religion" for many, MANY years, and a mild disgust or hatred of God himself became pretty strong in the last few years...and especially this last one.
    

I was raised LDS (or I was LDS as I was being raised, depending on how you look at it), was baptized at 9, stopped going altogether at 15. My mother is Catholic, but allowed us as kids to go to whatever church we wanted to. When I stopped following the mormon church, the only other brush I had with religion for many years was my husband's lunatic ex wife, who would cuss you and curse you all in the name of Jesus. Needless to say, if I am going to hell, I want it to be on my own terms, and not the ones that others have laid down for me. I hadn't "talked to God", or even really thought about what He was doing for years, and years, and then the adoption happened.
    

When the downward spiral of my sanity started in the ugly aftermath of the most beautiful thing I will ever be a part of, I tried a lot of avenues of escape. NONE of them worked, and one night I ran across an article that talked about how when people have done all they can do, and still feel an enormous hole inside themselves, that's a good time to try and fill it with a love of God. At first, I laughed, cried, and made A LOT of sarcastic comments regarding the article. But for some reason it sat with me...sat with me hard and wouldn't go away. I had a dream several nights later (probably after listening to the Fray's "You Found Me" about 600 times) where I was driving down some street, frantically trying to prevent the end of the world, and had to slam my car to a stop. And there in the middle of the street, amongst the burning buildings, and looters, and screams, and destruction was God. And he just shook his head, smiled, and put his arms out to hug me. And then I woke up, completely freaked out. And went to church the next week.
    

Has it healed my "hole"? The answer is no. But it's helping. I am relearning it all over again, and growing more and more each day. I subscribe to the view that we do not go to Hell for the bad things that we do, but that our ability to enter the Kingdom of Heaven will be based on the GOOD things that we DON'T. I have done good things. I have done plenty of bad. But to me...bad is in the Judger's perspective. What is wrong to some, is not wrong to others. I do the best I can on a daily basis, and some days I do more good than others.
I do think that somewhere along the lines God came up with a big plan for all of us. I don't claim to know what it is, but I do think it's there. I think, that the problem lies in the details...in the specifics. In the day to day grey area that we call our lives.
    

Many people feel that we are tested by God so that we can show our love and dedication to Him. That he will never give us more than we can handle. But my vote is still out on that one...right, wrong, or indifferent. I think his overall goal is for us to do the best we can, and hopefully meet him in the afterlife. (And other stuff too...but this is getting long) I don't think we are here as science projects, and I do not think that he has either the time nor the interest to get wrapped up in each of our live's details. He may in fact have ultimate power, but I don't know why he would purposely allow the horrible things that happen in this world. I choose to NOT believe that He would make a woman who has wanted to be a mother her entire life infertile. I do NOT believe that He allowed me to get pregnant, give my child away, and almost die from grief as a consequence to some wrong I commited in my past. I do not think He chooses to see us at war, or in poverty, or starving. I do not think that He would purposely allow such terrible suffering on the world as a "test". And I don't subscribe to the "It's all the Devil's Fault! school of thought either. I am probably wrong...but I just don't. We as human's cause a lot of our own suffering, and a lot of suffering occurs that is no one's fault. Shit happens...and we deal with it however we can.
    

 I think we do have a stake in our own destinies. We are placed on this planet out of God's divine love for us, and we return to Him out of our unwavering/unconditional love of Him. I really think we are on our own for the details.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

FORMSPRING QUESTION ANSWERED...Of your children, who do you see most of yourself in?

     That's a loaded question...lol. But it really got me thinking, and here is what I have come up with.

     If we were strictly talking about physical appearance, I would say Taryn hands down. She is the spitting image of me at her age, and although we have been apart for many many years, we share an enormous amount of things in common. I have first hand experience at seeing that much of who we are IS IN FACT hereditary, and no matter what others will have you believe, it is not something that can be ignored or overlooked. She does a great job of keeping a very happy facade in a sometimes very complicated life. She shares my love of music and showmanship. She is built like me, talks like me, and walks like me. She drives her family nuts with who she is, because she is so much like me (and believe me when I say they are probably NOT too happy about that) But as much as the resemblance is unmistakeable, we are very different in a lot of ways as well. I look at her fondly, and wish that I was more like HER. Since she was born she has lived inside a world of luxury that I have spent my entire life chasing. She does not know what it is like to be abused, feel unloved by everyone, be hungry...all things that I have experienced. I find great delight in the fact that she is almost an "airbrushed version" of me...loving, and beautiful, and untouched by the harsh realities that are sometimes my life. It puts a lot of joy into me, especially when things were strained between us. I have such a deep love, and glowing admiration for the young woman she is becoming, and am SO thankful to be rebuilding a close relationship with her.

     If we were talking about which child I RELATE to the most, that would be Tyler. Since he opened his eyes at birth, he has been my sunshine. When he was little and just learning to talk where you could understand him, his good night prayer used to entail..."I am Tyler. I am Mommy's Faborite. The sun rises and the sun sets on whateber I do, Amen." Obviously he had a problem with "v's", but it was adorable none the less. Tyler was born when the divorce from my first husband was relatively new. He was a precious ray of light placed right in the middle of a very dark situation. He did not receive the benefits of my extended families love and affection. He had only my love, and that wasn't worth much back then. I always paid close attention to him, partly out of guilt for letting Taryn go, and partly out of pride and disgust that I knew what my family was missing. Tyler has known hunger. He has known what it's like to be without. He has known what "payday" was since he was two years old. There is no sugar coating anything with Tyler. He is a realist. He also is musically talented, loves to be the center of attention, and has an extremely deep need to feel loved and accepted. I see so much of me in his temper tantrums as well. Tyler is VERY short fused, and never afraid to really let loose and freak out. Ten minutes later, he usually doesn't know what set him off. He is ALWAYS asking if we love him, and no matter how many hugs or kisses he is given, he will still ask. Like me, he has such a deep need for acceptance, and what worries me most is that like me, he will never truly feel it. He requires extra patience, and I am always the first to stand up for him when needed. He also has a spoiled streak to him...no matter what he is given, it is NEVER enough. He has a drive about him that I can relate too...almost like he is constantly chasing something...but unlike me, I hope he finds it.


FORMSPRING QUESTION ANSWERED...All states have their own laws for adoption. Do you feel that Arizona is more birth family friendly or adoptive family friendly? Is there anything about Arizona adoption law that you would like to see changed?

Ooooh....good question. Please bear in mind that I do have a particular bias being a birthmom, and that I am NOT a legal professional. That being said, I VERY strongly feel that Arizona is much, much more Adoptive Family Friendly.

In the state of Arizona, birthmothers cannot sign paperwork until 72 hours after birth, and once their signature is placed on those pieces of paper, it is 100% final. Non revokable for any reason what so ever. AZ law does NOT require that a birthmother have her own legal representation. Arizona provides a FREE service for Adoptive Parents to do all of their court proceedings and finalization, and will not give a birthmother any information regarding any of that. They will NOT answer any legal questions, nor provide direction as to where a birthmother can go to get the help she needs. I cannot tell you when M* and L*'s adoption finalized, because the court won't tell me and neither will they. AZ does not require birthmother counseling or follow up for her or her family. That wouldn't be such a big deal to me, if it wasn't required or offered for Adoptive Parents, but it is.

On a positive note, AZ is one of the few states that will enforce an Open Adoption Agreement, if the birthmother is given the proper guidance necessary to draft one to her liking. However, if she is without counseling, a lawyer, or smart enough to educate herself ahead of time, she may choose to not even fill one out. Such was my case. And because of the 72 hours they allow before erasing the birthmother's existence, there is nothing I can do short of praying for divine intervention to change that.

Over a year later, I have minimal information on what goes on in their lives. I am broken hearted, and have suffered through losing the majority of my friends, and severly damaged my relationship with my family. Those wounds cannot be repaired, and for the most part are my own fault. But I do strongly feel that if there were more laws in place to safeguard a birthmother's rights, that less people would be hurting like that.

As far as what I feel should be changed....what a fun thought. I think that there should be a required, court ordered "mediation" of sorts where counseling, legal representation, and openess should be discussed by both Adoptive Parents and Birth Parents. Something official, and documented. Something that would prevent things like, "Well if we spend all that money on your lawyer, there won't be as much to provide for the baby", or "We'll absolutely keep you updated", or even better, "We can't think of a bigger waste of money than to hire a lawyer for something we all agree on anyways". It's despicable. Counseling should be mandatory as well.

Now I KNOW IN MY HEART that not all Adoptive Parents are like that. I will go one step further even, to say that in some ways I can genuinely understand the ones that are like that. But just because I can sympathize an Adoptive Parents loss of becoming parents the conventional way, does not mean I can endorse those women who get screwed over by those who do not have the decency to lay out their actual plans. There are women, even in this age, who chose closed, or semi closed adoptions. But 72 hours is NOT enough time to make that determination...at least not in my opinion. Most women are still in the hospital at that point, worn out from labor and hormones and everything else. Granted, I went home 8 hours after birth, but that should have been stopped too.

This is getting rambly, so I will leave it at that. Thanks for the question. It was fun to answer, even if it never changes anything.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

FORMSPRING QUESTION ANSWERED...As a PAD, the subject of gifts is always so taboo...give too much and you look like you're trying to buy the birthmoms love. Give too little, and you risk her not liking you as much as another couple. Did you and your adoptive parents exchange gifts?

I am almost scared of how this question is worded...but since I don't want people to stop asking me questions...I'll overlook it this once...LOL!

Gifts....aaah. Prior to placement, my adoptive parents gave me a christmas card with a gift card to get the kids something, and a gift certificate to go get a mani/pedi on my birthday. At that time my legs were aching so badly, that the 20 minute calf massage that came with the pedicure probably could have been the best gift I had ever received. After the placement, once my signature was on the consent forms, they gave us a "spa day" at the Phoenician which is a really upscale resort in Phoenix, and a gift card to a restaurant. And some awesome tickets to a baseball game. I think thats it...though if I am forgetting something, and they ever run across this blog, then I apologize.

As far as me giving them anything...that's a much harder question. I brought them a couple of cute books, and made M* this really cool "Daddy Diaper Duty" apron. I had seen them online, but they were ridiculously expensive, and making my own let me put my own personal spin on it. I gave that to him while in the hospital waiting to deliver.

As far as a gift for her Mommy, I had looked and looked trying to find something wonderful and meaningful, and finally found this amazing necklace to buy her. I saved up, and waited for them to name her (because the gift was personalized), but their refusal to pick a name made the ordering of L*'s gift incredibly hard. When I signed the paperwork, they finally told us her name, and I ordered the necklace. It was white gold with two hearts that interlinked and I had each of our birthstones put in, and the babies name engraved on the heart that held L*'s birthstone. My thought behind it was that it would show the linking of our two hearts in the one beautiful thing we shared in common, with hers being in the primary role.

I sent it to their PO Box, because god forbid they shoud let me have their actual address (and in all honesty, I do have their address and have thought about sending it there more than once), and for some reason it was returned by the post office. Right address, right postage...returned to sender. Maybe I should have taken that as an omen or something. When I did the visit in November, I had planned on bringing it with me to give to her personally. But scrambling around with three kids and a husband who thought I was crazy for going to see them, I walked out of the house that day without it. And without my camera. And my list of questions to ask. Strike two for the Mommy gift.

I still have it here...knowing I should send it. I think I don't because I am pretty sure all sentiment would be lost on her end by now. That's the funny thing about gifts...we agonize so much over finding the right item, for the right person at the right cost...but we never think about the right time. The "right time" for my gift to be given to her was the day the baby was born. At the utmost pinnacle of my love for her parents. When I still believed that we would all be linked together by that sweet little angel. Not now...not when time has passed, and affections fade, and dreams and reality blend so much together that you can't tell what is real anymore.

Gifts are gifts. You give them because they mean something, or they fill a need. Don't give them because you have too, or because you are trying to make a good impression. Give them because they give you joy. And because you want to see joy back. :)

If you did not use an agency or have your own lawyer, how did you find the adoptive couple?

The answer to this question always gets the biggest eye roll, but the answer is 100% true. I found them on Craigslist...lol.
I tried to go through profiles on the agency sites, but it all seemed so much like an overinflated, crazy expensive business. One night, while at work, I was looking on CL, and on a whim typed in "adoption" into the community search box, and there were multiple couples there with contact info. I contacted several with a very brief paragraph explaining my situation and waited for responses. I talked back and forth a few times with several couples, and the rest is history.

CLICK HERE and You can ask me ANYTHING YOU WANT!!! I love this stuff!

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Hi! I'm wondering what questions you asked potential adoptive parents! We've been lucky to get alot of emails but they all seem the same. We're always asked if we want a boy or a girl, are we open to open adoption. That's it. What did u ask?

One thing I can honestly tell you is that I didn't ask enough questions. I was not educated on my options, and the lack of internet availability really didn't help that.


I asked basic things, like how long they had been together, why were they adopting, and would they tell the baby that they were adopted. I asked what they did for a living, if their family was supportive, and I really can't remember much else.

I always say that I "fell in love at first sight" with them, but as more time passes, and I reflect more and more on that first meeting...I have found myself wondering if I settled for them because that was the easy thing to do. That picking them in my fourth month meant I didn't have to worry about it anymore.The rest of this answer is probably going to get nasty, so consider this advance warning.

I cannot tell you where they live, what it is specifically that they do, how supportive their family actually is, and how they are dealing with adoption in their daily lives because they shut me out from all of that. If you are a follower of my blog, you know that they are privacy freaks, and while it did not raise red flags at the time, it does now. (Not that it matters, because once my signature went on the papers...I ceased to exist.)

If I had it to do over again, I would have asked more details about their lives, and maybe even asked to meet others who know them. I would have pried into their story of infertility, and really found out if they had come to terms with it. I would have asked if they knew that the baby I was carrying wouldn't FIX all of their problems. I would have looked over their adoption book, and Dear Birthmom letter a million times. I would have insisted that I have my own lawyer, since I am really out on my own regarding this adoption and all of its aftermath. I am stuck with bills that can't be fixed without having to "bother them", and have been in serious need of counseling. I would have worried less about how they felt, and more concerned with very serious issues that needed to be adressed and were not. I would have asked things like, "I know I am saying I'd like little to no information about the baby afterwards, but if I change my mind, are you willing to do be completely open with me?" I would have asked if they knew how to take pictures, because it seems like they don't. I would have asked so much more, had I known to ask.

Hindsight is always 20/20 though...lol.

Ask me anything

Yes, I made a mistake. And Yes, I still "hate" you...LOL

So I am always the first to point out that I am not perfect, but usually I say it because it's something we are supposed to say as human beings. On Tuesday, however, I made a pretty large mistake, and now I look like an ass. Oops.


I have whined before about collection agencies. Of how for that ONE REASON ALONE, I wish we would have used an adoption agency, or at least had my own lawyer. About how I have three bills from the baby's birth sitting in collections, because the companies won't contact L* and M*, and I won't either. My credit score sucks as it is, so what's one more charge...right?

So this Arrowhead Collection Agency has been calling and calling and calling some more about a $237 bill for the anesthesiologist. I could honestly care less if they get their money. I will care about them, when someone from the "happy side" decides to care about me. But enough was enough. I make sure not to run up bills to make my score worse, and this wasn't my concern. Plus, I still "hate" M* and L* over the whole picture fiasco (which I know is petty and I am working on).

But on Tuesday, after the 12th call from them, I blew up. I gave them the happy couple's phone number, and told them to STOP calling me about somebody else's kid. And a bunch of other mean stuff, and then defiantley slammed down the phone.
GO MICHELLE GO!!!
Yeah....lol. The phone rings 15 minutes later, and it is the evil woman from Arrowhead. She tells me, "I just got off the phone with L* and she told me to inform you that she did not even know you in 2007, and that she can't take care of anymore of YOUR problems for you. She's done enough!" And then hangs up on me. And I was LIVID!!!!

I started ranting..."She couldn't even call me and tell me that herself? Send me an email? She's gotta have the collection lady call me back??? Done enough?...who does this bi$%# think she is. She's over there hogging MY child....wait...2007...what???"


And then I had to stop and think...2007??? Ooooopsss........
Apparently it was an old bill from Logan (my 2 1/2 year old). So of course, I stopped cursing, calmed down, and called Arrowhead back immediately. I then learned, that the bill had been floating around some office for over two years, and it had recently been sold to another party for collection (Arrowhead). It had no date of service on it, and I has assumed that it was for the baby.


Talk about bad timing.


Despite my irritation at L*'s comments, I shot a very apologetic email over to L* and M* explaining the mix up and that I was sorry for assuming, and any other inconvienence it may have caused them. And guess what I got back from them......


Nothing.


Yes, I still "hate you". More so now than ever.


And obviously, I'm not perfect.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

What are your adoption songs? The songs or song that just helps you?

Adoption songs...there are many! I will give major credit to Mr. Rob Thomas from Matchbox 20, because he seems to live in my dark parts and then make songs to bring them to light.
His song, "Her Diamonds" was the first song that touched me after the adoption. There are so many lines in it that really just spoke to what I was going through when the sadness stepped in to surprise me. It really described the absolute hopelessness that had set in...I couldn't get out of bed...I felt like there was "something less about me..." and so many others. The first time I heard it, I was actually sitting on the side of the road (I had pulled my car over on the way home from work to have a "scream why me?" at the top of my lungs moment) and it came on the radio. Right away, I stopped...breathed...and listened. If you've never heard the song, or googled the lyrics...I encourage you to! So powerful...and so right for the theme song to the war that my heart was battling with my head. The end verse says, "If she can find daylight, then she'll be alright. She'll be alright...just NOT tonight." That line was kind of a "light at the end of the tunnel" awakening for me. It gave me hope. I have spent over a year trying to find daylight...and while I am not there yet...I will be someday...

Which would be my second song..."Someday" by Rob Thomas. Its a survival song that talks about starting over, fighting back tears, and trying to get through to the other side. It's another song that gives hope to the future. I hope that someday, I get it all figured out.

"You Found Me" by the Fray really spoke to me too. Its a song written roughly along the lines of the famous "Footprints in the Sand" poem, and I can totally imagine seeing God on a street corner smoking a cigarette saying, "Ask Away...". I was really angry for awhile...angry at God, angry at everyone I knew, and REALLY angry at myself. I like the line, "In the end...everyone ends up alone. Losing her...the only one who's ever known...who I am, who I'm not, and who I wanna be. No way to know how long she will be next to me."

And for now, "Break Even" by the Script. It's actually a song about a girl breaking up with a guy, but if you overlook that like I do...lol...it's really fitting for a birthmom. It speaks to me from two sides...my feelings of grief for the baby, as well as my sadness that her mom could just move on so easy without me.

"I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing

Just prayed to a God that I don't believe in
'Cause I got time while she got freedom
'Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't break even"

"Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first
While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping
'Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't break even, even, no...
What am I suppose to do
When the best part of me was always you?

What am I suppose to say
When I'm all choked up and you're okay?

I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces
They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding'

Cause she's moved on while I'm still grieving
Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't break even.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

formspring.me

If you haven't seen this before, its all the rage in bloggy land right now. It lets readers ask the blog author ANYTHING they want to know. Informative, interactive, and a whole lot of FUN FUN!!! Ask away!


Ask me anything http://formspring.me/mrsperrbear

Sunday, April 11, 2010

What have I Learned in the last Year?

I made it this far, and have to say that the last year has been the fastest and the slowest year of my enitre life. I learned SOOOOO MUCH since beginning this journey, and thought I'd share some of it. Mainly so I can reflect on it, but if someone picks up something extra, then BONUS!!!

What have I learned in the last year?

1. Adoption is a blessing and a curse. It comforts me and cripples me every single day. I love that there is a "forever family" somewhere that I helped make happen. I do not love the hole it has made in my family.

2. Adoption is a life long decision. Ok, so maybe that should have been a given, but I thought it would be a different life. It sucks some days, but there is a whole lifetime ahead, and maybe things will change.

3. "Greatfulness" is short lived. "Guilt" is forever. Well, hopefully not forever, but after 370 days, my guilt has only gotten worse...not better. And I am pretty sure that greatful people don't pretend like you don't exist.

4. Adoptions are like snowflakes...No two are ever alike. After spending hours upon hours reading blogs and stories, no one has the same story. Everyone is different. And the chances of finding someone "who's been what you've been through" are very small. You have to find your own way.

5. NEVER judge a book by its cover. You may have your own notions of how people are, but even the best of people sometimes turn out not to be the best. And the worst are not always the worst. And that goes for everyone, on all sides. I thought I knew me, and have spent the last year learning that I have weakness I never even knew of.

6. Education is the quickest cure for Ignorance. Know your options. Learn all you can. You cannot blame someone else for your own lack of it...even if you want to.

7. Counseling is a MUST for birthmom's. I don't care if you don't think you need it. You will. I am FINALLY going to start counseling in a few weeks thanks to an amazing woman I found at my new church who is going to get it started for me.

8. When you think you have it all figured out, it will change. Feelings that you thought you had a handle on will bum rush you in the middle of the night. Emotions that you never saw coming will knock the wind out of you. Be prepared to roll with the changes.

9. Drinking makes things worse...not better. Once upon a time (A LONG TIME AGO), I used to have a blast with my friends, drinking the night away. Having not been a big drinker for years, I went back to it this year. Not a good choice. I saw a quote somewhere that said, "I tried to drown my troubles in a bottle, but the little bastards can swim!"...LOL. Mine brought rafts and floaties. Nothing makes your troubles go away until you are ready to let them go away.

10. If someone reaches out to you...Reach Back!  While no one has been through your exact journey, there are women who are willing and able to provide "mentoring" of a sort. Embrace it. My self-proclaimed, personal adoption mentor (that's the title I have given her...) has managed on more than one occasion to send me a message or a kind word right at the time I needed it the most. (Thanks Kels)


11. Your friends may mean well, but if they are the ONLY thing you are counting on for support...please have a "plan B". The same goes for family. You will be AMAZED at how well your friends and family may support you in the beginning, but if "too much time" passes and you still haven't "gotten over it", those numbers will rapidly decrease. People will stop calling, stop visiting, stop hanging out, stop remembering what is important to you...and there's not much that you can do about it. Remember...the road to hell was paved with good intentions.

12. If you don't have a relationship with God, now is a good time to start one. I personally, had not stepped into a church in 19 years until two weeks ago. I was raised LDS, and there was no way I was ever going back, having done a million things wrong, and having tattoos, and a deep love for menthol light cigarettes that I am NOT giving up. But a few months ago, when I started realizing I was turning into a big black hole, and was sucking the life out of everything around me, I contacted a friend that I hadn't talked to since high school who is a pastor in his church. And bawled my eyes out to a guy who I was less than nice to back then regarding his beliefs. And then finally went to church on Easter. And cried my eyes out the whole time. The "still small voice" doesnt just live in Mormon Churches. This is a christian church, complete with a band, and nice people, and no judging. The holy spirit has been with me strongly since that day, and I am working on serving his word where I can.

13. If you can touch someone else, even through your own pain...do it! When the birthday started hitting the back of my mind, I tried to find a different avenue to go with it. Instead of the "poor me" approach, I focused on the good parts of adoption, and was blessed to have been able to pair a match with a friend of mine to a couple who deserve to be parents as much as anyone I've ever seen. I don't know if it was divine intervention or not, but I needed a positive outlet, and am so thankful that this arose when it did. It makes me feel good that even though my situation isn't what I wanted, I can still help others have theirs.

14. You cannot "hide" from adoption. Before entering into the role of "birthmom", I wasn't exposed to adoption. I never thought about it. Afterwards, every book, movie, song...it's IN EVERYTHING. Ya gotta get used to it. Or hide in a cave...but that's not really my style.

15. And finally, life can change for the better in a second. Be Ready. Had I not gone through this, I would still probably been a terrible mom to Taryn. I have been given such an amazing second chance with her this last year, and am thankful above all for that. It's never too late to make amends...its never too far gone to fix...and it's never too late to say I am sorry.

Thank you all for your love and support over this last year!

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

You Can't HATE Someone For Being Who They Are. (Just in case you were wondering)

So I have spent the last 24 48 72hours in mental solitary confinement, (or at least as much as I can with three kids), and I have had yet another crazy revelation in my journey through the butt end of my adoption. I think I should have known this already, but for some reason it didn't come to me until I had spent hours crying, and kicking, and screaming, and venting, and whatever else non-productive I chose to do yesterday. It's simple...


You can't hate someone for being who they are.
Instead, you have to just love them. And respect them. Whether you like them everyday or not. That's how life works.

There are dozens of different "personality tests" and "strengths/weaknesses evaluations" out there. Most of us have some type of an idea of "WHO" or "HOW" we are. Take me for example...I lack sympathy, empathy...anything that makes me a "nurturer." It's not me. It doesn't mean that I don't ache when you do, or that I wish above all else that I had the words to make things better, but I never do. I am the one people come to when they need to be inspired, or mentored, or if they need help hiding the bodies. I will push my employees to achieve potential they never thought possible. I will teach my children things they never knew existed. But I don't do sick puppies, I don't do monumental life advice, and I don't do mushy well. I am physically and mentally unable to do those things. It's not that I don't WANT to...it's just that I am not wired that way. That is my weakness. So I focus on my strengths. I educate, I motivate, I invigorate.

There are other women out there, whom I have the utmost admiration for their ability to nurture. There are women who always have the perfect thing to say. Or the perfect card. Whether it is a holiday, or "just because". They are thinking of others because it is part of their nature, and there is something that makes you want to be close to them. They are optomistic, and even when they should be hateful, they stay positive. Little kids love them, and they in turn love them back. They think of neat things like online photo albums and other people's feelings, and worry about how they can make others feel better. Or they say things like this...

"When I am rocking our baby to sleep someday I will be praying for his or her birth mother- I will pray that God will give her strength to help her through her loss, and that He will continue to watch over her always."

My problem is, that the woman I want to be like that IS NOT.

Two days before the birthday, I found this really sweet poem written by an Adoptive Mother on HER child's birthday. It begins with "Today is MY childs birthday..." She spoke of how it was a wonderful day, full of celebration and thanks, and fun times. But she goes on to acknowledge that for her child's birthmother it is probably a day of great pain. It ends with this:

It's My child's birthday
And in the midst of this blessed day that was given to me, I have a prayer.
Oh God, that I may never forget that someone suffered so much to give life to my child.
That someone loved my child so very much that she gave him the right to live.
May I never forget for a moment and especially now, today, to offer a prayer of thanks for that someone and that you, dear God, will always be there for that someone to help her through the hurts she will have when
she stops to think that "Today is my child's birthday."

And me...being emotional and all thought "WOW. Maybe L* will do that." But she didn't. She sent me two more pictures with the baby not looking at the camera, and a short email.

So I decided to hate her. In fact, I think I still "hate" her. At the very least I am annoyed. I refrained from blogging for awhile, lest I say something I will regret, but then the crazy little epiphany hit me, and now I am glad I held my tongue.

I cannot hate her for who she is.

She is who she is, and I cannot know "WHO" that really is, partly because I stayed too "warm and fuzzy" when I had the opportunity to grill her and partly because now she won't let me. I do know that she is not the type to post Shutterbug albums for me to stroll through in the event that I want to print a picture of the child I carried for her for nine months. I do know that she refuses to let me ever mention their names in anything, and God forbid should I ever want to post one of those "fantastic" pictures of her child on my blog. I know that she has removed her picture from her profile page on Facebook, and locked down all information there. I know that she has ZERO interest in joining the adoption community to learn anything other than "How do we get a baby?" I know that if someone who was a key part in my life told me that they kept a public blog on the subject, that I would be "googling that sh%$" until I had found it and read every word of it (although I AM becoming more of a stalker in my old age...lol), and yet she's never even looked. I know that I have been fighting with three different collection agencies over pediatric bills for months, and that today she had the account representative call me to tell me that they'd "get to it soon" instead of telling me herself via email or a quick phone call, or even a text. (That's OK...I didn't need that credit score anyways). What's funnier, is one of those bills is for "a full drug screen" on the baby, because apparently, according to the nurse who spoke with them, "They just couldn't be sure". Hope the money was worth "being sure"...lol.

I know that with each day that passed leading up to the birthday, and even after it, I hated her more and more and more, until I finally had to walk away from everything, and lay on my bathroom floor for a few hours and bawl to be able to carry on any further.

But again...that's who she is. She's not a bad person. She's not a supervillian. She is a Mommy, just like me, and apparently her strengths (like mine) lie in areas other than being a nurturer. So how can I hate her for that? The answer is...plain and simple...I cannot.

There...all better now.

Like my opening line says, "Welcome to the Craziness that is MY Blog"!

And just in case anyone is asking, "Do you regret your decision?" The answer is NO.

Adoption is a LIFE LONG PROCESS for all parties, and I have a lifetime (as do they) to find an ending to this story. There is always the chance that they will grow more open, or that I will grow more closed, or that the baby grows up and becomes a hermit in the highest mountains in the world and hates all of us. :) It's really too soon to tell. And I am not going to worry about it.


And I still very firmly believe that Adoption is one of the most beautiful, wonderful, fantastic, positive things in the world. And I am still advocating positively, I PROMISE. In fact, I am pretty sure I could provide references if needed...lol.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Her Best Days Will be Some of My worst....

I am not going to blog today. Somewhere it is a very happy day, full of balloons, and party decorations, and presents, and a little cake probably being smooshed in the face of an angel. It's not here though.

Today, I am going to sit, and reflect, and meditate, or pray, or do whatever it takes to wipe out the growing, intense hatred and disgust that I am feeling. I am not lighting a candle. I am not planting a tree. I am not going to do anything.

I am going to work on this hatred and will be back when it has passed.

Happy Birthday Little One.