Welcome to the craziness that is my life!

This is my story in pieces. The good ones, the bad ones, and everything in between. It is messy and flawed...just like it's author. I am not a selfliss person...I am not an angel...I am a loud, opinionated, most of the time crazy, Mom. I write here the things I cannot discuss in my "day to day life". These views are my own, from my own journey. Adoption has changed my life forever, some for good, some not so good. If you don't agree with me, that's fine. It's not your story...it's mine. Consider it a manual on "How Not To Act/What Not To Do When You Are Pregnant and Considering Adoption". If you learn nothing else, learn to educate yourself to the long term affects on yourself, your family, and the child you chose to place.

Oh...and please, don't call me "bitter". I prefer the term "enlightened".


***DISCLAIMER-I don't speak for anyone but me...in this story or in life. It is here as an educational tool if anyone chooses to learn something. I appreciate comments always.***

P.S. Just because I don't actively blog doesn't mean I still don't LOVE comments. Yes, I still check them. I guess I would just rather hear YOUR thoughts, than share mine.

If you missed the story, start reading the "Posts of Some Significance" located directly underneath and to the right of this. That's the story in a nutshell.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

FORMSPRING QUESTION ANSWERED...As a PAD, the subject of gifts is always so taboo...give too much and you look like you're trying to buy the birthmoms love. Give too little, and you risk her not liking you as much as another couple. Did you and your adoptive parents exchange gifts?

I am almost scared of how this question is worded...but since I don't want people to stop asking me questions...I'll overlook it this once...LOL!

Gifts....aaah. Prior to placement, my adoptive parents gave me a christmas card with a gift card to get the kids something, and a gift certificate to go get a mani/pedi on my birthday. At that time my legs were aching so badly, that the 20 minute calf massage that came with the pedicure probably could have been the best gift I had ever received. After the placement, once my signature was on the consent forms, they gave us a "spa day" at the Phoenician which is a really upscale resort in Phoenix, and a gift card to a restaurant. And some awesome tickets to a baseball game. I think thats it...though if I am forgetting something, and they ever run across this blog, then I apologize.

As far as me giving them anything...that's a much harder question. I brought them a couple of cute books, and made M* this really cool "Daddy Diaper Duty" apron. I had seen them online, but they were ridiculously expensive, and making my own let me put my own personal spin on it. I gave that to him while in the hospital waiting to deliver.

As far as a gift for her Mommy, I had looked and looked trying to find something wonderful and meaningful, and finally found this amazing necklace to buy her. I saved up, and waited for them to name her (because the gift was personalized), but their refusal to pick a name made the ordering of L*'s gift incredibly hard. When I signed the paperwork, they finally told us her name, and I ordered the necklace. It was white gold with two hearts that interlinked and I had each of our birthstones put in, and the babies name engraved on the heart that held L*'s birthstone. My thought behind it was that it would show the linking of our two hearts in the one beautiful thing we shared in common, with hers being in the primary role.

I sent it to their PO Box, because god forbid they shoud let me have their actual address (and in all honesty, I do have their address and have thought about sending it there more than once), and for some reason it was returned by the post office. Right address, right postage...returned to sender. Maybe I should have taken that as an omen or something. When I did the visit in November, I had planned on bringing it with me to give to her personally. But scrambling around with three kids and a husband who thought I was crazy for going to see them, I walked out of the house that day without it. And without my camera. And my list of questions to ask. Strike two for the Mommy gift.

I still have it here...knowing I should send it. I think I don't because I am pretty sure all sentiment would be lost on her end by now. That's the funny thing about gifts...we agonize so much over finding the right item, for the right person at the right cost...but we never think about the right time. The "right time" for my gift to be given to her was the day the baby was born. At the utmost pinnacle of my love for her parents. When I still believed that we would all be linked together by that sweet little angel. Not now...not when time has passed, and affections fade, and dreams and reality blend so much together that you can't tell what is real anymore.

Gifts are gifts. You give them because they mean something, or they fill a need. Don't give them because you have too, or because you are trying to make a good impression. Give them because they give you joy. And because you want to see joy back. :)

2 comments:

  1. (A second try for this comment... sorry :-()

    Hi! I LOVE your blog... and I'm an adoptive mom. You are so thoughtful to have bought a gift for yor baby-girl's mom... especially one with so much thought and meaning behind it! BUT, your second to last paragraph bothered me;

    "I think I don't (send it again) because I am pretty sure all sentiment would be lost on her end by now. "

    I can guarantee that your gift would mean as much, if not MORE, now than it would have then. I try my hardest (even 2.5 years later) to let my daughter's birth-parents know how much we love them and how special they are to us. I would LOVE to receive something thoughtful in return as their way of saying that they love us, too (wouldn't have to be something tangible at all!). We are bonded for life and it's so special that you realize and appreciate that. I would be proud to wear that necklace and what a testament to that sweet baby-girl of your love for her whole family.

    SO... from one stranger to another :-)... I'll encourage you to send your precious gift again. At least you'll know that you tried! (And I'll be watching for the post after you do :-))

    With love,

    Lindsay

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  2. I think the necklace you are describing is what Bethany Christian Services recommends that adoptive parents buy their children's birth mothers.

    I am floored that you wanted to give her something so special---on top of precious Lauren.

    I just wanted our daughter's birth mom to give me a letter or something for our daughter. Nothing for me. But she didn't. Perhaps because she was so young. I do have her baby blanket but nothing from the hospital and no letter. I hope my daughter will be okay with that.

    A friend of mine showed me a scrapbook her daughter's birth mom made for her daughter. I know its wrong, but I was pea green with envy.

    I hope Lauren's parents realize what an opportunity they have for their daughter through a relationship with you. I hope they don't throw it away. I still hold on to hope for you!

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