Welcome to the craziness that is my life!

This is my story in pieces. The good ones, the bad ones, and everything in between. It is messy and flawed...just like it's author. I am not a selfliss person...I am not an angel...I am a loud, opinionated, most of the time crazy, Mom. I write here the things I cannot discuss in my "day to day life". These views are my own, from my own journey. Adoption has changed my life forever, some for good, some not so good. If you don't agree with me, that's fine. It's not your story...it's mine. Consider it a manual on "How Not To Act/What Not To Do When You Are Pregnant and Considering Adoption". If you learn nothing else, learn to educate yourself to the long term affects on yourself, your family, and the child you chose to place.

Oh...and please, don't call me "bitter". I prefer the term "enlightened".


***DISCLAIMER-I don't speak for anyone but me...in this story or in life. It is here as an educational tool if anyone chooses to learn something. I appreciate comments always.***

P.S. Just because I don't actively blog doesn't mean I still don't LOVE comments. Yes, I still check them. I guess I would just rather hear YOUR thoughts, than share mine.

If you missed the story, start reading the "Posts of Some Significance" located directly underneath and to the right of this. That's the story in a nutshell.

Friday, April 30, 2010

FORMSPRING QUESTION ANSWERED...Do you believe God has a plan for everything, or do you have to make your own destiny?

"I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy.""Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you shall receive, and your joy will be complete." John 16:20,24
    
I am by no means an expert on God, or religion, and have been staring at this question for over a week (my apologies now to whomever asked it!) out of unsureness at what to say. Until easter of this year, I had not been in a church for 19 years, and was not really sure what God had to do with anything in my life, much less anyone else's. I know that I have had a bad taste for "religion" for many, MANY years, and a mild disgust or hatred of God himself became pretty strong in the last few years...and especially this last one.
    

I was raised LDS (or I was LDS as I was being raised, depending on how you look at it), was baptized at 9, stopped going altogether at 15. My mother is Catholic, but allowed us as kids to go to whatever church we wanted to. When I stopped following the mormon church, the only other brush I had with religion for many years was my husband's lunatic ex wife, who would cuss you and curse you all in the name of Jesus. Needless to say, if I am going to hell, I want it to be on my own terms, and not the ones that others have laid down for me. I hadn't "talked to God", or even really thought about what He was doing for years, and years, and then the adoption happened.
    

When the downward spiral of my sanity started in the ugly aftermath of the most beautiful thing I will ever be a part of, I tried a lot of avenues of escape. NONE of them worked, and one night I ran across an article that talked about how when people have done all they can do, and still feel an enormous hole inside themselves, that's a good time to try and fill it with a love of God. At first, I laughed, cried, and made A LOT of sarcastic comments regarding the article. But for some reason it sat with me...sat with me hard and wouldn't go away. I had a dream several nights later (probably after listening to the Fray's "You Found Me" about 600 times) where I was driving down some street, frantically trying to prevent the end of the world, and had to slam my car to a stop. And there in the middle of the street, amongst the burning buildings, and looters, and screams, and destruction was God. And he just shook his head, smiled, and put his arms out to hug me. And then I woke up, completely freaked out. And went to church the next week.
    

Has it healed my "hole"? The answer is no. But it's helping. I am relearning it all over again, and growing more and more each day. I subscribe to the view that we do not go to Hell for the bad things that we do, but that our ability to enter the Kingdom of Heaven will be based on the GOOD things that we DON'T. I have done good things. I have done plenty of bad. But to me...bad is in the Judger's perspective. What is wrong to some, is not wrong to others. I do the best I can on a daily basis, and some days I do more good than others.
I do think that somewhere along the lines God came up with a big plan for all of us. I don't claim to know what it is, but I do think it's there. I think, that the problem lies in the details...in the specifics. In the day to day grey area that we call our lives.
    

Many people feel that we are tested by God so that we can show our love and dedication to Him. That he will never give us more than we can handle. But my vote is still out on that one...right, wrong, or indifferent. I think his overall goal is for us to do the best we can, and hopefully meet him in the afterlife. (And other stuff too...but this is getting long) I don't think we are here as science projects, and I do not think that he has either the time nor the interest to get wrapped up in each of our live's details. He may in fact have ultimate power, but I don't know why he would purposely allow the horrible things that happen in this world. I choose to NOT believe that He would make a woman who has wanted to be a mother her entire life infertile. I do NOT believe that He allowed me to get pregnant, give my child away, and almost die from grief as a consequence to some wrong I commited in my past. I do not think He chooses to see us at war, or in poverty, or starving. I do not think that He would purposely allow such terrible suffering on the world as a "test". And I don't subscribe to the "It's all the Devil's Fault! school of thought either. I am probably wrong...but I just don't. We as human's cause a lot of our own suffering, and a lot of suffering occurs that is no one's fault. Shit happens...and we deal with it however we can.
    

 I think we do have a stake in our own destinies. We are placed on this planet out of God's divine love for us, and we return to Him out of our unwavering/unconditional love of Him. I really think we are on our own for the details.

2 comments:

  1. You are brilliant, and strong, and amazing with words, and honest, and just plain wonderful! Someone out here loves you, and I bet I am NOT alone!!!!

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  2. Michelle, I am not an expert either. (though I do have some pretty strong opinions ; )) But I will say these are all the right questions to be asking.

    I'll also say that I do not believe for a moment that we are on our own for the details. :) God is with us, he knit us together in our mothers' wombs, he has numbered every hair on our heads, and he has carved us on the palm of his hand.
    : )

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