Welcome to the craziness that is my life!

This is my story in pieces. The good ones, the bad ones, and everything in between. It is messy and flawed...just like it's author. I am not a selfliss person...I am not an angel...I am a loud, opinionated, most of the time crazy, Mom. I write here the things I cannot discuss in my "day to day life". These views are my own, from my own journey. Adoption has changed my life forever, some for good, some not so good. If you don't agree with me, that's fine. It's not your story...it's mine. Consider it a manual on "How Not To Act/What Not To Do When You Are Pregnant and Considering Adoption". If you learn nothing else, learn to educate yourself to the long term affects on yourself, your family, and the child you chose to place.

Oh...and please, don't call me "bitter". I prefer the term "enlightened".

***DISCLAIMER-I don't speak for anyone but me...in this story or in life. It is here as an educational tool if anyone chooses to learn something. I appreciate comments always.***

P.S. Just because I don't actively blog doesn't mean I still don't LOVE comments. Yes, I still check them. I guess I would just rather hear YOUR thoughts, than share mine.

If you missed the story, start reading the "Posts of Some Significance" located directly underneath and to the right of this. That's the story in a nutshell.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

FORMSPRING QUESTION ANSWERED...Of your children, who do you see most of yourself in?

     That's a loaded question...lol. But it really got me thinking, and here is what I have come up with.

     If we were strictly talking about physical appearance, I would say Taryn hands down. She is the spitting image of me at her age, and although we have been apart for many many years, we share an enormous amount of things in common. I have first hand experience at seeing that much of who we are IS IN FACT hereditary, and no matter what others will have you believe, it is not something that can be ignored or overlooked. She does a great job of keeping a very happy facade in a sometimes very complicated life. She shares my love of music and showmanship. She is built like me, talks like me, and walks like me. She drives her family nuts with who she is, because she is so much like me (and believe me when I say they are probably NOT too happy about that) But as much as the resemblance is unmistakeable, we are very different in a lot of ways as well. I look at her fondly, and wish that I was more like HER. Since she was born she has lived inside a world of luxury that I have spent my entire life chasing. She does not know what it is like to be abused, feel unloved by everyone, be hungry...all things that I have experienced. I find great delight in the fact that she is almost an "airbrushed version" of me...loving, and beautiful, and untouched by the harsh realities that are sometimes my life. It puts a lot of joy into me, especially when things were strained between us. I have such a deep love, and glowing admiration for the young woman she is becoming, and am SO thankful to be rebuilding a close relationship with her.

     If we were talking about which child I RELATE to the most, that would be Tyler. Since he opened his eyes at birth, he has been my sunshine. When he was little and just learning to talk where you could understand him, his good night prayer used to entail..."I am Tyler. I am Mommy's Faborite. The sun rises and the sun sets on whateber I do, Amen." Obviously he had a problem with "v's", but it was adorable none the less. Tyler was born when the divorce from my first husband was relatively new. He was a precious ray of light placed right in the middle of a very dark situation. He did not receive the benefits of my extended families love and affection. He had only my love, and that wasn't worth much back then. I always paid close attention to him, partly out of guilt for letting Taryn go, and partly out of pride and disgust that I knew what my family was missing. Tyler has known hunger. He has known what it's like to be without. He has known what "payday" was since he was two years old. There is no sugar coating anything with Tyler. He is a realist. He also is musically talented, loves to be the center of attention, and has an extremely deep need to feel loved and accepted. I see so much of me in his temper tantrums as well. Tyler is VERY short fused, and never afraid to really let loose and freak out. Ten minutes later, he usually doesn't know what set him off. He is ALWAYS asking if we love him, and no matter how many hugs or kisses he is given, he will still ask. Like me, he has such a deep need for acceptance, and what worries me most is that like me, he will never truly feel it. He requires extra patience, and I am always the first to stand up for him when needed. He also has a spoiled streak to him...no matter what he is given, it is NEVER enough. He has a drive about him that I can relate too...almost like he is constantly chasing something...but unlike me, I hope he finds it.

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