You can't hate someone for being who they are.
Instead, you have to just love them. And respect them. Whether you like them everyday or not. That's how life works.
There are dozens of different "personality tests" and "strengths/weaknesses evaluations" out there. Most of us have some type of an idea of "WHO" or "HOW" we are. Take me for example...I lack sympathy, empathy...anything that makes me a "nurturer." It's not me. It doesn't mean that I don't ache when you do, or that I wish above all else that I had the words to make things better, but I never do. I am the one people come to when they need to be inspired, or mentored, or if they need help hiding the bodies. I will push my employees to achieve potential they never thought possible. I will teach my children things they never knew existed. But I don't do sick puppies, I don't do monumental life advice, and I don't do mushy well. I am physically and mentally unable to do those things. It's not that I don't WANT to...it's just that I am not wired that way. That is my weakness. So I focus on my strengths. I educate, I motivate, I invigorate.
There are other women out there, whom I have the utmost admiration for their ability to nurture. There are women who always have the perfect thing to say. Or the perfect card. Whether it is a holiday, or "just because". They are thinking of others because it is part of their nature, and there is something that makes you want to be close to them. They are optomistic, and even when they should be hateful, they stay positive. Little kids love them, and they in turn love them back. They think of neat things like online photo albums and other people's feelings, and worry about how they can make others feel better. Or they say things like this...
"When I am rocking our baby to sleep someday I will be praying for his or her birth mother- I will pray that God will give her strength to help her through her loss, and that He will continue to watch over her always."
My problem is, that the woman I want to be like that IS NOT.
Two days before the birthday, I found this really sweet poem written by an Adoptive Mother on HER child's birthday. It begins with "Today is MY childs birthday..." She spoke of how it was a wonderful day, full of celebration and thanks, and fun times. But she goes on to acknowledge that for her child's birthmother it is probably a day of great pain. It ends with this:
It's My child's birthday
And in the midst of this blessed day that was given to me, I have a prayer.
Oh God, that I may never forget that someone suffered so much to give life to my child.
That someone loved my child so very much that she gave him the right to live.
May I never forget for a moment and especially now, today, to offer a prayer of thanks for that someone and that you, dear God, will always be there for that someone to help her through the hurts she will have when
she stops to think that "Today is my child's birthday."
And me...being emotional and all thought "WOW. Maybe L* will do that." But she didn't. She sent me two more pictures with the baby not looking at the camera, and a short email.
So I decided to hate her. In fact, I think I still "hate" her. At the very least I am annoyed. I refrained from blogging for awhile, lest I say something I will regret, but then the crazy little epiphany hit me, and now I am glad I held my tongue.
I cannot hate her for who she is.
She is who she is, and I cannot know "WHO" that really is, partly because I stayed too "warm and fuzzy" when I had the opportunity to grill her and partly because now she won't let me. I do know that she is not the type to post Shutterbug albums for me to stroll through in the event that I want to print a picture of the child I carried for her for nine months. I do know that she refuses to let me ever mention their names in anything, and God forbid should I ever want to post one of those "fantastic" pictures of her child on my blog. I know that she has removed her picture from her profile page on Facebook, and locked down all information there. I know that she has ZERO interest in joining the adoption community to learn anything other than "How do we get a baby?" I know that if someone who was a key part in my life told me that they kept a public blog on the subject, that I would be "googling that sh%$" until I had found it and read every word of it (although I AM becoming more of a stalker in my old age...lol), and yet she's never even looked. I know that I have been fighting with three different collection agencies over pediatric bills for months, and that today she had the account representative call me to tell me that they'd "get to it soon" instead of telling me herself via email or a quick phone call, or even a text. (That's OK...I didn't need that credit score anyways). What's funnier, is one of those bills is for "a full drug screen" on the baby, because apparently, according to the nurse who spoke with them, "They just couldn't be sure". Hope the money was worth "being sure"...lol.
I know that with each day that passed leading up to the birthday, and even after it, I hated her more and more and more, until I finally had to walk away from everything, and lay on my bathroom floor for a few hours and bawl to be able to carry on any further.
But again...that's who she is. She's not a bad person. She's not a supervillian. She is a Mommy, just like me, and apparently her strengths (like mine) lie in areas other than being a nurturer. So how can I hate her for that? The answer is...plain and simple...I cannot.
There...all better now.
Like my opening line says, "Welcome to the Craziness that is MY Blog"!
And just in case anyone is asking, "Do you regret your decision?" The answer is NO.
Adoption is a LIFE LONG PROCESS for all parties, and I have a lifetime (as do they) to find an ending to this story. There is always the chance that they will grow more open, or that I will grow more closed, or that the baby grows up and becomes a hermit in the highest mountains in the world and hates all of us. :) It's really too soon to tell. And I am not going to worry about it.
And I still very firmly believe that Adoption is one of the most beautiful, wonderful, fantastic, positive things in the world. And I am still advocating positively, I PROMISE. In fact, I am pretty sure I could provide references if needed...lol.