Welcome to the craziness that is my life!

This is my story in pieces. The good ones, the bad ones, and everything in between. It is messy and flawed...just like it's author. I am not a selfliss person...I am not an angel...I am a loud, opinionated, most of the time crazy, Mom. I write here the things I cannot discuss in my "day to day life". These views are my own, from my own journey. Adoption has changed my life forever, some for good, some not so good. If you don't agree with me, that's fine. It's not your story...it's mine. Consider it a manual on "How Not To Act/What Not To Do When You Are Pregnant and Considering Adoption". If you learn nothing else, learn to educate yourself to the long term affects on yourself, your family, and the child you chose to place.

Oh...and please, don't call me "bitter". I prefer the term "enlightened".


***DISCLAIMER-I don't speak for anyone but me...in this story or in life. It is here as an educational tool if anyone chooses to learn something. I appreciate comments always.***

P.S. Just because I don't actively blog doesn't mean I still don't LOVE comments. Yes, I still check them. I guess I would just rather hear YOUR thoughts, than share mine.

If you missed the story, start reading the "Posts of Some Significance" located directly underneath and to the right of this. That's the story in a nutshell.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

FORMSPRING QUESTION ANSWERED...Do you have any "pet peeves" in regards to Adoption?

I have lots of them...both in my situation, and in general. But instead of writing a lengthy response about what I think is broken in the adoption world, I am going to talk about the things I read in blogs, social networking sites, and in general that just annoys me to no end. Again, I will throw in my usual disclaimer, that I don't mean to offend...these are simply MY peeves.

I hate when people say "It takes more than being pregnant to be a mother". I hate it. It actually is one of the few things that an adoptive mom can say that makes me want to smack them in the face. It is usually said in defense of something, or as a way to justify that they are more important than a birthmother. And if that's not the reason, even if the reason is wonderful and beautiful then it still bugs me. If your birthmother had not gotten pregnant, you still would not be a mother. If she had not made the hard decision to place her child for adoption, had not selected you as parents, and had not chosen to place with you, and had not signed the relinquishment papers, you would not be a mother. All the skinned knees, late nights, first steps, first words, first visit with the cops (as is the case with my 8 year old...lol), first boyfriend, first prom, wedding, grandchildren...all of the reasons that people feel MAKE them parents...all of it would have never happened if she had chosen to parent. I know the warm and fuzzy thoughts behind the statement, but it makes me crazy to hear it. I love the expression, "Not under my heart, but in it." Much, much more fitting. You are a mother because you parent a child who is the world to you. No one would try to take that from you. Don't discount how that came to be.

And as a side note..With the three "darling" kiddos I have at home, in almost nine years,I have had to only deal with ZERO sleepless nights, 3 colds, one dog attack to the top of Tyler's Head, 2 broken hearts over girlfriends, 7 visits from the police department, and an enormous amount of stress in trying to do what's right for them, and never once have I jumped up and down and said, "Yeah! Now I'm a real mother!!!" Not even when my youngest cracked ME in the face with a toy and left me with a dime sized bump and scar right in the middle of my forehead.
Another thing I find annoying are the words "Chosen Child". Adoptive parents do not get to drive to the baby store and choose which little bundle of joy they will make their own. Adoptive parents are the chosen ones. Somewhere, somehow, for some reason, a birthmom chose you to raise the life she could not.

Another peeve is when other people say things like, "Oh the baby's so lucky to have you guys" or "Thank God you're getting that baby." Just once, I would like to see someone say, "How lucky you are that the birthmother chose you!" or "Good thing you were in the right place at the right time to get chosen!" You know, something that acknowledges what really happened.

Not all birthmothers are bad people, and not all adoptive parents are saints. And vice versa for sure. I hate when adoptive parents think their birthmoms are angels. Or when birthmoms think their adoptive moms are "better moms". Right, wrong, or indifferent...adoption generally happens (although NOT ALWAYS), when one mother cannot keep a child she is pregnant with for whatever reason, and chooses to give it to a mother who cannot have one herself. At its most raw form it is supply and demand. I have...you want. I can't...you're willing to try.

I also hate the following words or phrases: unwanted, give up, give away, unwanted pregnancy, deserving adoptive parents, generous people for taking this baby...I could go on and on and on.
And last but not least..."If you don't want it, I'll take it!" If you have ever been pregnant, you soon learn how many people (many of whom you don't even know) will come up and touch your stomach. Anytime I was pregant, it happened a lot. And it drove me crazy. For the adoption equivilant...When people hear you are considering adoption, they will come from all over and say, "Well you're just gonna give it away...let me have it". Like a baby is an old sweater, or pair of shoes that you can just give away. People who have no knowledge or respect of the very complicated process adoptive parents go through in able to be considered acceptable to adopt annoy the heck out of me.
Wow. Now I am kind of grumpy....lol. Thanks for the question!

4 comments:

  1. What a great question -- I really liked this post! I know I've been guilty of saying the last statement, "I'll take him/her," but then again, I'm a hopeful adoptive parent waiting to be CHOSEN; and I know when I have said those words (usually in reference to a child who is being mistreated), I always feel guilty because I know that just choosing adoption or me receiving that child is not that simple at all.

    I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE your first pet peeve. I once blogged about how I feel about birthmothers and how charitable I feel their choice is when they choose adoption. A person responded with that same comment, and I was upset. It made me realize how much people don't understand the emotions that go along with adoption.

    Posts like these make me more aware and educated. Thank you for being so willing to answer some difficult questions.

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  2. Thank you LeMira! I always love your comments!!! I was warned about posting my formspring.me link, but so far the questions have all been pretty thought provoking, and I like answering them.

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  3. Ahhh...yes. The way you've presented that statement, I pretty much hate it too.

    Funny how a statement like that, which is fundamentally true, can be said in a way that diminishes someone who is in fact, performing a VERY "motherly" act, in my opinion of course. I know there are adoptees who don't feel that way and they're entitled to feel that way and I even understand it, but I never have. Whether it's just my personality or how adoption was presented to me, I've always felt my biological (sorry but to me that's the most meaningful term since I only know one other biologically related person, my son) mom did something for me that was caring, responsible, I imagine thoughtful, and extremely difficult.

    I'm guilty of having said "given up" and can see how it is offensive. I try and not say it but old habits die hard. I've never meant it obviously in a critical way but it's one I do try and be sensitive about. I find it hard to part with biological mom cause it just means something special to me.

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  4. Hi there,
    I found your blog somehow... I'm not even sure, I was just clicking away, I guess, and liked the title of your current post.
    I am so happy that you voiced your opinion on these pet peeves, and I agree wholeheartedly that most (if not all) things people say about adoption can be and are downright hurtful. The one I particularly hate, on your list, is the "giving away" or "giving up" phrase. Oh if they only knew how much MORE it is than that.

    The biggest pet peeve I have at the moment is from the other side- I have complete strangers telling me I cannot, and will not ever be a mother, because of some silly, stupid thing my husband was accused of doing.
    I will never become pregnant, and therefore will never be a mother that way. And to hear people say, "Why don't you just adopt?" just kills me.

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