Welcome to the craziness that is my life!

This is my story in pieces. The good ones, the bad ones, and everything in between. It is messy and flawed...just like it's author. I am not a selfliss person...I am not an angel...I am a loud, opinionated, most of the time crazy, Mom. I write here the things I cannot discuss in my "day to day life". These views are my own, from my own journey. Adoption has changed my life forever, some for good, some not so good. If you don't agree with me, that's fine. It's not your story...it's mine. Consider it a manual on "How Not To Act/What Not To Do When You Are Pregnant and Considering Adoption". If you learn nothing else, learn to educate yourself to the long term affects on yourself, your family, and the child you chose to place.

Oh...and please, don't call me "bitter". I prefer the term "enlightened".


***DISCLAIMER-I don't speak for anyone but me...in this story or in life. It is here as an educational tool if anyone chooses to learn something. I appreciate comments always.***

P.S. Just because I don't actively blog doesn't mean I still don't LOVE comments. Yes, I still check them. I guess I would just rather hear YOUR thoughts, than share mine.

If you missed the story, start reading the "Posts of Some Significance" located directly underneath and to the right of this. That's the story in a nutshell.

Monday, May 17, 2010

FORMSPRING QUESTION ANSWERED...How did you celebrate this past Mother's Day/ Birthmother's Day? Did you celebrate both of them? Were you aware of Birthmother's Day before your first Mother's Day weekend?

I am sorry it took soooooo long to answer this.

   I did much better than I thought I would this year. Last Mother's Day, I was still in shock over the adoption and so it didn't really phase me. This year, I had made ten loops through the "Circle of Grief" and was VERY much aware of both holidays. I was not aware of Birthmother's Day until earlier this year...and not at all last year when I would have celebrated my first one. I was 100% for it this year. I got some beautiful tulips (from my Mom) and reflected on every good memory I had of the baby's parents. I was not sad at all. I simply used it as a day to reread all of our emails to one another, and look at the few pictures I had. I shared a very amazing blog post from Courtney Frey on my Facebook page. I acknowledged the day publicly and privately. And when it was over, I read a really interesting post on another blog (I would LOVE to post it, but I still can't figure out how to link stuff to here (even though it's been explained to me)...which SUCKS because I really have some neat things to link to) that talked about how it would be if instead of Birthmother's Day we had Adoptive Mother's Day...and I have to admit, I agreed with it. I really don't know if I will celebrate it next year, though I will continue to remind others of the miracles birthmothers make happen, and remind people to reach out and hug these amazing women.

   Mother's Day for me was pretty tame. I am the only one in the family who ever goes over the top for holidays, so when it is a holiday that focuses on me, the celebration is usually very small. I received a nice card, and some balloons, and a sweet email from L* and M* that included...for the first time EVER...a full face, looking at the camera, cute little picture of the baby. She's adorable, and looks very happy. And I sent back a very nice email as well. The day was quiet, and peaceful, and a nice Sunday.

What was VERY different for me this year was my own perspective.

   This was a Mother's Day of Firsts for me. It was the first Mother's Day I was aware of my loss. It was the first year I was genuinely thankful to be a mother to my children. It was the first year I was completely aware of things like Adoption, Birthmothers, Infertility, Heartbreak, Emptiness, Sacrifice, Compromise, and of all of the little "subcultures" that run throughout our communities. I felt awake. Or awakened, depending on how you look at it. I went to church for the first time ever, since being a mother, and for the first time ever, was AWARE that there were probably women who had skipped the service because it was too much for them. When they asked the Mothers to raise their hands so they could distribute gifts, I was AWARE of the women who had pained looks on their faces, or tears in their eyes, who's hands were not raised.
I was AWARE of so many things that a year ago I would have never noticed.

   My thoughts that day, for the most part, were not on ME. They were on the women I know. On my mother, whom with I wish I had a better relationship. I love her, and she loves me, but it weighed heavily on my mind that day that I do not know her that well as a woman. And I wonder if I will ever get that opportunity. On a friend of mine, who is due in a month, and ready to become a birthmother for the sake of the two children she is raising, as well as the baby she carries. On the couple who is about to become the parents of her child...how that soon to be Mommy will never have to miss out on Mother's Day again. On L*, who after 10 years of trying to become a mother, just celebrated her daughter's first birthday, and her first fully final Mother's Day. Of the four people I know who have lost their Mother's, some this last year, and how hard the day was for them. Of the mothers who have sick children, who have lost children, who don't know how special their children really are....on everyone but me. It was a first for me (though I probably shouldn't admit that), but for once...the world didn't revolve around me.
And as a humorous sidenote...the big song of the day at church was called "Awakening". Fantastic song. Great message. And my new favorite song. What would Rob Thomas think? LOL!


2 comments:

  1. I don't always comment on blogs- I'm usually just a lurker, lol. But I just wanted to say I am so happy for you-- I didn't know you when you placed your baby for adoption, and when I did meet you were in a lot of pain. You seem to be healing and getting stronger, and I am so happy. ...I hope none of that sounded offensive... love this post. :)

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  2. Been reading your blog for a few months and still can't believe it :( But I'm glad you still love adoption. We love adoption too and have become much more aware of others at church on Mother's Day, too.

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