So I haven't written anything very personal in awhile, and there are reasons. I have plenty more to tell, to work through, to vent about...but I am stuck at a pretty major crossroads in my adoption relationship...both in life, and with this blog.
For a month or so, I have hidden behind the safety of Formspring.me questions...only answering what it is that other people wanted to know. They are safe, because for every question there is an answer. I am able to think, and reflect, and then provide my opinion. No harm, no foul.
But recently, someone asked, "What is your biggest fear in life?" I have been staring at that question, knowing that it would be very easy to answer something silly like, "Getting attacked by angry bees" since I am so deathly allergic. But that's not it. I know my biggest fear, and it revolves around who and what I am now that adoption has changed my course in life. I don't quite know if I like who that is, and I am not ready to talk about her.
And there is another problem. As more and more time passes, and I begin to really look at what happened before, during, and after my actual adoption, I am finding that not all that glitters is gold. That perhaps decisions were made for the wrong reasons. That those whom I thought I loved, I don't. That those whom I should have been able to trust with my life (or at least the physical embodiment of my heart) I cannot stand.
I can say honestly, that for now anyways...I am not sad. I am not angry. I am not defensive. I am in a quiet calm of sorts, but there is a deep, rumbling hatred growing of my child's adoptive mother growing inside of me that I am afraid of. Afraid to really explore. Afraid to write down.
It seems like a bridge that once crossed, cannot be undone. And I am afraid of what is on the other side.