Welcome to the craziness that is my life!

This is my story in pieces. The good ones, the bad ones, and everything in between. It is messy and flawed...just like it's author. I am not a selfliss person...I am not an angel...I am a loud, opinionated, most of the time crazy, Mom. I write here the things I cannot discuss in my "day to day life". These views are my own, from my own journey. Adoption has changed my life forever, some for good, some not so good. If you don't agree with me, that's fine. It's not your story...it's mine. Consider it a manual on "How Not To Act/What Not To Do When You Are Pregnant and Considering Adoption". If you learn nothing else, learn to educate yourself to the long term affects on yourself, your family, and the child you chose to place.

Oh...and please, don't call me "bitter". I prefer the term "enlightened".


***DISCLAIMER-I don't speak for anyone but me...in this story or in life. It is here as an educational tool if anyone chooses to learn something. I appreciate comments always.***

P.S. Just because I don't actively blog doesn't mean I still don't LOVE comments. Yes, I still check them. I guess I would just rather hear YOUR thoughts, than share mine.

If you missed the story, start reading the "Posts of Some Significance" located directly underneath and to the right of this. That's the story in a nutshell.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all...

So I haven't written anything very personal in awhile, and there are reasons. I have plenty more to tell, to work through, to vent about...but I am stuck at a pretty major crossroads in my adoption relationship...both in life, and with this blog.

For a month or so, I have hidden behind the safety of Formspring.me questions...only answering what it is that other people wanted to know. They are safe, because for every question there is an answer. I am able to think, and reflect, and then provide my opinion. No harm, no foul.

But recently, someone asked, "What is your biggest fear in life?" I have been staring at that question, knowing that it would be very easy to answer something silly like, "Getting attacked by angry bees" since I am so deathly allergic. But that's not it. I know my biggest fear, and it revolves around who and what I am now that adoption has changed my course in life. I don't quite know if I like who that is, and I am not ready to talk about her.

And there is another problem. As more and more time passes, and I begin to really look at what happened before, during, and after my actual adoption, I am finding that not all that glitters is gold. That perhaps decisions were made for the wrong reasons. That those whom I thought I loved, I don't. That those whom I should have been able to trust with my life (or at least the physical embodiment of my heart) I cannot stand.

I can say honestly, that for now anyways...I am not sad. I am not angry. I am not defensive. I am in a quiet calm of sorts, but there is a deep, rumbling hatred growing of my child's adoptive mother growing inside of me that I am afraid of. Afraid to really explore. Afraid to write down.

It seems like a bridge that once crossed, cannot be undone. And I am afraid of what is on the other side.
Hmmmmmmmmmmm......

3 comments:

  1. I also wanted to suggest the blogss of two women who have been there. Their thoughts could possibly be helpful, and I respect both of them. You don't have to post this --can just delete it as you moderate.

    http://paragraphein.wordpress.com/
    http://jennifarr.blogspot.com/

    I'm thinking about you a lot, and am sorry you're going through this.

    Michelle

    ReplyDelete
  2. Michelle,

    Thank you SO MUCH for those two blogs. I couldn't help but post them. I was hooked on what I had read so far, and I feel great blogs have to be shared.

    Thank you also for being so caring. I am ok, for once, even if there are rumblings underneath the surface. This last year has been so weird...started fine, went to the bottom, came back up, went back down. I am in a steady line now, just far more awake. And my problem is that I didn't wake up from a nightmare...I woke up from a fantastic dream and then realized that the nightmare was the here and now. We all make wrong decisions in our lives, but it is so hard knowing that the single most important decision I have ever made, I got totally wrong. And then dealing with my own accountability for that...well, it's tough sometimes. I am going to have to write it out, after I have thought it out.

    I have always operated under the thought, "Why complain if you can't fix something?" but I really, really feel the need to share all of it. I am struggling with that, because I don't want anyone to be turned off by adoption, but at the same time I feel compelled to at least let others know the mistakes I have made, so perhaps they don't do the same.

    Ugh........

    ReplyDelete

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