Welcome to the craziness that is my life!

This is my story in pieces. The good ones, the bad ones, and everything in between. It is messy and flawed...just like it's author. I am not a selfliss person...I am not an angel...I am a loud, opinionated, most of the time crazy, Mom. I write here the things I cannot discuss in my "day to day life". These views are my own, from my own journey. Adoption has changed my life forever, some for good, some not so good. If you don't agree with me, that's fine. It's not your story...it's mine. Consider it a manual on "How Not To Act/What Not To Do When You Are Pregnant and Considering Adoption". If you learn nothing else, learn to educate yourself to the long term affects on yourself, your family, and the child you chose to place.

Oh...and please, don't call me "bitter". I prefer the term "enlightened".

***DISCLAIMER-I don't speak for anyone but me...in this story or in life. It is here as an educational tool if anyone chooses to learn something. I appreciate comments always.***

P.S. Just because I don't actively blog doesn't mean I still don't LOVE comments. Yes, I still check them. I guess I would just rather hear YOUR thoughts, than share mine.

If you missed the story, start reading the "Posts of Some Significance" located directly underneath and to the right of this. That's the story in a nutshell.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

"If you want to make enemies, try to change something." ~Woodrow Wilson

   In the beginning, when I was convinced that adoption would be a wonderful option of my unplanned pregnancy, I thought I wanted a closed one. Mind you, I knew nothing of adoption, save for the two hours I spent giggling at the movie Juno a year prior to getting pregnant. I didn't know the difference between open and closed. And I thought that it was actually possible to place my child with loving parents, and then move on the next day as if nothing happened. This is what I had planned in my head...A fun open pregnancy, with my chosen Aparents at every doctor's appointment, at the birth, taking her home immediately, and me going back to my life immediately after like nothing ever happened. It was not because of Juno that I thought this. It was because I thought I knew me...and I don't like to wallow or grieve. Everything is water off a duck's back. There is no use crying over spilled milk. The grass is not greener on the other side....etc. I roll with the punches.

   When I chose L* and M*, I told them all of this. In the beginning, we had talked about how afterwards I didn't want any contact. They, whom were already certified, and home studied, and classed out, agreed to this, and told me that if anything changed that all I had to do was let them know. I struggled for most of the pregnancy, convincing them that I was carrying "their" child, and trying to get them to accept that. It became a source of irritation, how guarded they were, and then I remember one day I received an email saying they had given up worrying and went and bought a crib. For them, it was easy from there. For me, however, as more time passed, the more I began to second guess my "no contact" plan. I communicated with them several dozen times regarding this, stating that "Yes. I would love pictures and updates often. Yes, I would love to hear funny parenting stories and kid adventures. Yes, I would like to know what goes on in your lives. You can call me on one of those, "Oh God, why did I choose this?" days that all mothers have. Think of me as a friend, or a twice removed aunt at the very least."

   Throughout the six months I went through pregnancy with them, I went from wanting nothing, to wanting a lot, and they agreed always. "Communication is so important, and we want what you want!"...if I had a nickel for everytime I heard that from their mouths, I'd be wealthy right now. I did make the mistake of not setting a set schedule for pictures or updates, and told them to send stuff whenever they wanted, so it didn't feel like as much of an obligation. After all, I knew they'd be busy, and with L*'s crazy habit of making lists and being overly organized for everything, I didn't think getting timely information would be that hard.


   It has been like pulling teeth. It is as if they truly only heard me say, "I don't want any contact" on that cold day in November, and that the 100's of conversations we had regarding increased contact between then and April never happened. That everything else was simply tuned out, and welcomed with a pair of smiles and two nodding heads.

 "Step into my parlor, said the Spider to the fly...."

   I recently went back through my emails from them, to document how much I have received as far as updates. You all know that the pictures I get are a joke...the baby never looking at the camera, or its far away. Not creme of the crop for sure. Nothing framable. Nothing that any of you would show your friends, or crazy distant relatives. For those of you who are parents, I want you to think of all the funny kid stories you tell to perfect strangers, and how many times a day you show off your kid pictures, and for those of you who will be parents soon...remember this post when you are telling your stories and showing your pictures. In one year and two months, this is what I can tell you about Lauren.....

4/27/09: Everything has been wonderful over here! Lauren is everything we have been dreaming of, and we are very happy!!

4/30/09: Not much new with Lauren since we last saw you three weeks ago. She is eating 4 oz at a time now, which is great! Of course she is doing a lot of pooping, peeing, crying, and sleeping. We really like the feeding and the changing because we get to spend extra time with her, and enjoy her expressions. It's so much fun (except for the crying) :) We gave her a regular bath last night for the first time (she was having the sponge baths before this). She seemed to enjoy the warm water and wasn't fussy at all.

5/16/09: At about one month we noticed Lauren's eyes staying open more often. She is eating well and is up to about 5 oz. of formula at each feeding. She has gained almost 3 pounds and grew about 3 inches in six weeks

7/24/09: Lauren is doing well. She's making new noises, starting to raise her head up when she's on her tummy, and grabbing and holding objects. We have another doctors appt. in a couple weeks. She's probably about 15 lbs. now and seems to be getting bigger every day!

10/06/09: She had her 6 month doctor visit today and is doing great! It seems like Lauren gets shots every time we go for her appointments. After a couple cries and a few hugs all is well. Although the percentiles change with each visit, Lauren always seems to be more than the 50th percentile in length, weight and head circumference. Lauren has developed quite a bit over the last month. She is making a lot of noises, sitting up, touching/grabbing everything within her reach and eating more than just her formula. So far she's eaten bananas, carrots, peas and seems to like it all. No teeth yet though. Since she's been 2 months old she's been sleeping through the night.

12/24/09: Lauren is doing well. She started clapping recently and is making many more noises. She hasn't started crawling yet but she's scooting all around on her tummy. No teeth yet either.

3/22/10: We have been thinking about you a lot lately, with Lauren approaching her 1st birthday. It's hard to believe a year has passed. It seems like just yesterday that we were going to doctors appt's with you. Rather than wait for that perfect time to put together a lengthy, detailed email, we want to just say hi. Attached is a recent photo of Lauren. She's doing great! (This one is my personal favorite...)

4/05/10: Yesterday we had a birthday party for Lauren. It was mostly family and some of our long time friends, with a few babies that Lauren has gotten to know. We got Lauren her own little birthday cake which she thoroughly enjoyed, while everybody watched and laughed.

That's it. That's the life of their child, of my child. That's all that happened in a year. And while I swore I would never do this...here is the amazing picture I got of her first birthday party....

WOW....That really made it all worth it!!! (That boys and girls is called sarcasm.) I have 100's of pictures from first birthday parties of my children, and I am pretty positive that if I had been taking these pictures, this one would have gone into the recycling bin. But that is their true level of concern with regards to my "need to know". A bunch of random, sporadic emails. Pictures that are horrible (believe me when I say this is the best of the six I have been sent). All the love I have sent their way, is reduced to this.

   I have always given them leeway, because I know I said originally that I didn't want contact. I have always accepted the blame for it. But in going through those emails, I noticed something else. Something that has changed my truth....On 31 occasions, during pregnancy and in the last year, I have said that I wanted more contact. And they have agreed. There are many more emails between us, but out of all of them, those are the only ones that provide any direct information. All the rest are filled with hospital bill discussions, and always...always the promise of "we'll sit down and send you some more updates and some pictures". But they never, never come.

   I want to know how it is, that I can tell a perfect stranger in line at walmart more about Logan in five minutes than these two people who say they think of me often, and are so thankful for the blessing of Lauren, can tell ME in 14 months?

    UGH....off to work. More to follow later........


  1. we should talk some day. ive come to realize, and find peace, a lot of things regarding this sort of situation. even though it sucks. luv u

  2. Well, I am intrigued to hear what you have to say. I, myself, believe that communication is the MOST important factor in this complicated life we lead. It is a constant tight rope walk that is as exhausting as it is frustrating. I am fortunate to havebeen able to keet my composure while talking with my children's Aparents, and there were times that I wanted to scream at them.

    Get it out Perr, just get it out. I like the idea of releasing this demon, I will be reading.

  3. The reason I love that you are telling your story is that I'm seeing who I DON'T want to be as an adoptive parent. Although I don't know first hand, when you share your pain, your anger, your hurt, and I'm able to better understand how many emotions a birth mother can experience and how NOT to treat her. Your raw honesty helps me be honest and own my own thoughts and feelings. I'm glad you're getting this out!

  4. Thank you guys. Kelsey-I accidentally deleted your comment, but I liked it, so I reposted it. D-Let me spit all this out, see where I am at at the end, and then I am definetely taking you up on the offer. :) LeMira-I am glad that its helping. I think it's important to know what YOU want, and then find a BMom that matches that. Or when you know you have the right momma, be willing to BE flexible of you say you are. Thanks for the encouragement from all!

  5. I am so sorry. you situation stinks and I can not believe what L and M are putting you through. Relationships change overtime and I am sorry they cant seem to see of accept that. Our dds birthmum gets more communication every month than you have had in a year. What would happen if you were to request a visit now? I will continue to pray for you as you walk this maize of open adoption. ((hugs))
    - J9 (adoptive mum from New Zealand)

  6. We are in the searching phase, but I would hope to send our birthparents pictures a lot. I send pictures from my phone all the time to my husband, my parents, his grandparents....I just plan on putting the birthparents in the same category. They will get all the pictures and updates I give the rest of the family.

    I hope things improve for you. I am a new reader and appreciate your view.

  7. It is funny that I read this at this very moment. I am writing a letter to our son's birthmom and finding it hard to write because I email her weekly and send picture texts and other texts daily. My husband and I made turkeys out of our son's handprints for his bparents.

    Laurens APs emails sounded like they copied the growth and development charts from babycenter.com I hope never to be like that.

    I know that even if you had gone with an agency and chosen these same people that open adoption isnt enforceable by law and I find it awful when Aps say anything they want to get that baby. Shame on them. I am learning who I do not ever want to be.

    Be blessed


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