My adoption journey began in October of 2008, when I finally decided that whether I liked it or not, I was pregnant with a child that I would not be able to keep. For those of you who have followed this blog since the beginning, you know that I have always tried to be honest and tell things as I see them. Most of you have applauded my writings, and for that I am grateful. Your encouragement and support have kept me going.
You have been there for the insane story of how I handled my pregnancy by detaching myself from the reality that it was my child I was carrying. You have been there as I have cried in the blackest of sorrows when reality began to set in. You have read of my dealings with my Aparents, limited as they may be. You have read of my irritation with certain aspects of our relationship, both during pregnancy and after placement. And one theme (deluded as it may be) has always run through my posts...I love L* and M* unconditionally, despite any harm or foul they may have caused me. And until recently...THAT WAS my truth. My truth was that I had to love these people, as they are raising a child I don't know, but love more than anything. In thinking anything different, I would be admitting that when faced with the biggest decision of my life...I made the wrong choice. And while most people don't like to admit when they are wrong, I usually don't mind it. But this choice...the course of Lauren's life, and my life, and my family's life was a HUGE one. And finally, after a year and a half of it...I can and will admit...I got it wrong.
My truth has changed.
Over the course of my next few blog posts, I am going to try and work through trying to come to terms with that bad decision. I started this blog as a type of therapy for myself, and didn't think anyone would ever read it. I cannot explain my surprise and my delight when people actually started following it, and was even more shocked at how many people told me what an impact it made. I secretly hoped for months, that L* and M* would run across it, but that has never happened, and at this point, I could care less if they ever do. The damage they have done cannot be repaired. I fully stand by my "Always on Our Best Behaviour" post, and still think that the road and the red tape adoptive parents have to go through is ridiculous. It hurts my heart, and I have dreams every night of having babies for all of them. But these next posts are just for me. For me to push through the hatred and the frustration I am sitting on. I hope that I maintain my current readers, despite the fact that I will have plenty to say about my rotten adoptive parents. I will simply ask that you all know that I know 99% of people are not like them. And I don't want any "Sorry that happened to you", because I hold a lot of accountability for what has occurred in the breakdown of our triad. I will not go one more day though, holding ALL accountability for it. Some of the things these guys have done are appalling, and horrible. They do not deserve the blessing they were given, and I am so sad to have wasted such a precious gift on someone who cannot appreciate it.
More to follow...