I don't want to sound mean but do you think L and M are going to treat you any better from you badmouthing them on your blog? Like, do you think thats going to help things? Not rude just curious to what you think.
What a fun question! What an even more fun answer! Rarely, if ever, does someone ask me something that implies that I may be the one in the wrong. I really like that. I appreciate it beyond words. I don't take this as mean, and in fact welcome this question with both arms wide open.
Of course, my gut reaction is to say that I am not badmouthing them...I am simply writing out how I see things. I chronicle my own truth as it occurs. But that would be naive...and yes, as time passes, my feelings of love are turning to feelings of disgust. The "update on my kids" post was straight up "badmouthing", I suppose. But remember this...There is the famous saying, "There's my side, your side, and the truth." I don't know their side. They don't feel the need to communicate that to me, or anyone else in the adoption community. As for "the truth"...there is no real way of knowing what that even is at this point, as I only know my soul and my heart. I will say this though...My blog is for me. I write what I live, and I live what I write. I share my experiences as I encounter them, and tell my own truth of this crazy matter as best as I can.
In the beginning, my truth was that they were wonderful, caring people who were going to raise my child right, and love me forever. As the haze wore off, my truth changed. I reread emails that went back and forth between us, and I realize the manipulation that occured. I have always taken full accountability for my own lack of education regarding the adoption policies, procedures, and protocol. But if they truly were loving, caring individuals who wanted what was best for me, they They wouldn't have held onto the living expenses money like it was a ransom. They would have sought the proper counseling for me. They wouldn't hide behind PO Boxes, or change email addresses on Facebook, or not feel the need to share anything of value with me with regards to the child whom we both love with our entire hearts. I always hear excuses for their actions...fear, insecurity, whatever else someone can come up with. No excuse is justifiable to me to be thrown out like a used sponge. I should know when her adoption was finalized. I had the RIGHT to an open adoption agreement, and they could have been more forthcoming with their true intentions so that at least I would have that guarantee or even just a schedule of when to expect emails from them.
If I was getting gorgeous pictures that I could frame, or updates that actually told me something about Lauren's life, I would probably have more positive things to say. If they showed half of the care, concern, and compassion that I have witnessed in dozens of other adoptive couples relationships, my heart wouldn't ache as badly as it does. And if my heart didn't ache...if my little inner voice didn't SCREAM at me daily that I made a mistake, well then I probably wouldn't even be writing the blog. Instead of advocating for positive open adoptions, and educating hopeful adoptive parents on how NOT to treat the human being that is their child's birthmother, I would be off living my life contently somewhere, and I would have far more time to do the things that I enjoy. But that's not how it turned out. All of the BS that is buried in all of the emails between they and I, and the long time coming realization that I was taken advantage of has made me bitter. Not bitter towards Lauren. Not bitter towards adoption. Just bitter towards them.
One thing that long time readers say about my blog is that they enjoy the brutal honesty and the rawness of my blog. I stick to that as best as I can. I do not write it so that L and M can find it and feel better about themselves. I do not write it so that L and M can find it and feel like crap about themselves.
I write it because when I was sitting at the bottom point of despair...alone and broken beyond repair...it was my saving grace. It let me write out all the things I would have been able to confide to a friend if I had had any. Adoption showed me that I did not.
They are all three on my mind always. And when I say always, I mean ALWAYS. I wonder how they're doing. I wonder what they're doing. I think about how many times a day adoption pops into my life, and wonder how they feel when those same triggers occur. I wonder how they can ignore the fact that they know I hurt over the distance they have created. I wonder why they are so afraid to have a relationship with me. I wonder what and where they got their information on open adoption. Did someone tell them that if they maintained a realtionship with me that I would one day get bored and steal their baby? It stupid to me. I am real. I am here. They live 30 minutes from me. What damage would it do to ask to see me once in awhile? The answer is none. The more frustrating part is that I have no idea why. I have voiced my concerns to them. They have to know when they look at her life in pictures over the last year and a half that the ones they send me suck. They are not cream of the crop. They are not what I asked for. And that lack of consideration on their part just makes me more and more and more bitter...towards them.
To answer your question...No, I am not worried that by "badmouthing" them on a blog that is written as a form of therapy for me, that they may treat me worse. I am already treated as a leper. As a hindrence. As something that served its purpose and has no more value to them. They are going to do what they are going to do, and the time will come when all of us will be held accountable for our actions by both God and their child. And who knows...when the time comes...maybe it will be decided that I am the one in the wrong...