Welcome to the craziness that is my life!

This is my story in pieces. The good ones, the bad ones, and everything in between. It is messy and flawed...just like it's author. I am not a selfliss person...I am not an angel...I am a loud, opinionated, most of the time crazy, Mom. I write here the things I cannot discuss in my "day to day life". These views are my own, from my own journey. Adoption has changed my life forever, some for good, some not so good. If you don't agree with me, that's fine. It's not your story...it's mine. Consider it a manual on "How Not To Act/What Not To Do When You Are Pregnant and Considering Adoption". If you learn nothing else, learn to educate yourself to the long term affects on yourself, your family, and the child you chose to place.

Oh...and please, don't call me "bitter". I prefer the term "enlightened".


***DISCLAIMER-I don't speak for anyone but me...in this story or in life. It is here as an educational tool if anyone chooses to learn something. I appreciate comments always.***

P.S. Just because I don't actively blog doesn't mean I still don't LOVE comments. Yes, I still check them. I guess I would just rather hear YOUR thoughts, than share mine.

If you missed the story, start reading the "Posts of Some Significance" located directly underneath and to the right of this. That's the story in a nutshell.

Friday, October 29, 2010

I'm here...I'm just thinking.


Yes, I am still here. I have spoken with the majority of my "inner circle" and spent a lot of time processing everything that has occured this week. But those of you not in the circle, have send numerous emails and FB messages, that I haven't had time to respond to. I don't want you to think I have forgotten you. Or worse, that I am ignoring you. I'm still here...I am just thinking.

Saturday night I got an interesting, brutally honest email from L* and M*. There were a lot of things that I have been wondering for a really long time, and I finally have an answer sitting in my lap. All I can say for sure at this time, is "Be Careful What You Wish For...You Just Might Get It". LOL.

I have been trying to process through the wide range of emotions that this email brought. For two straight days, I had rivers of tears running out of my eyeballs (the kind where you aren't even "actively crying"...they just won't stop falling), so typing was a non issue. Since then, I have refrained from writing anything here, until I have calmed down, had time to think, and found some type of clarity from it. I have six posts sitting in draft format, that will be published soon, so I promise to have something exciting for you all to read soon.

I am a hot head by nature, which for me means that I get upset, EXPLODE, and then five minutes later don't even remember what I was angry about. And if adoption has taught me anything....it is patience and restraint. (Though I am obviously still learning that.)

I am glad I didn't fire off anything crazy about the situation, and instead took time to think it through and find different perspectives from my own. To try and see things from an alternative viewpoint. To NOT find a place to dump blame, but to find how to live the rest of life at the bad end of a horrible miscommunication. To those of you who stepped up and said, "HEY....What about this?" Or "Think about if from this perspective?" Or "What about when you said......"

I THANK YOU!!! For having the courage to love me enough to say what you were really thinking, instead of what you thought I wanted to hear.

So hang in there. And chant the Serenity Prayer a couple thousand times in my honor if you feel so inclined.

I'll post soon.


Monday, October 25, 2010

Hold close that which we hold dear...


This little beauty showed up for me recently, sent by one of my most nearest and dearest friends. When I received her, I read her tag...sniffed it to see if it was called a Willow Tree because of its scent, and placed her on one of my display shelves in my living room. (And NO KELSEY...it wasn't the "family shelf"...inside joke)

I googled it's meaning too...It is called Angel's Embrace, and this is the description the website gives for it: "This piece can be about the feeling you get from holding a child, or the child can represent something you want to protect ... a person, a memory, a relationship, a dream, a belief. Thus, the sentiment ‘hold close that which we hold dear’ can refer to someone or something tangible — or intangible and ethereal."


I stared at it lovingly for two days before Perry finally noticed it. He knew it was there. He knew whom it was from. He just hadn't really looked at it. (MEN) We were on our way out the door, and he was holding Logan in the "Koala Bear Hug" stance...which ironically is identical to how the angel is holding this child. He stood there looking at it for a few moments, and then he reached out to pick it up and read the tag. He then told me it was written too small, and that I'd have to read it to him. I read aloud...

"Hold close that which we hold dear..."

He stared at it for a few seconds more, looking perplexed, and then said, "It's not a BABY, it's a TODDLER!" I said, "I know". He was quiet for a second, looked down at Logan clinging to him and said simply..."Wise, wise woman...Take your Boy". And out the door he went.

I was so touched...both by this beautiful gift, the symbolism behind it, and the meaning that he took from it.

To my beloved friend....Thank you, yet again.


Thursday, October 21, 2010

Some thoughts on why I refused the visit...

This is one of those "I gotta get it out, but already know that I am not necessarily right" posts.

Just warning you now. It's not meant to get "Oh, you're so awesome" or "Oh, you are a role model for taking the higher road" comments. This is a venting, theraputic post on me being me. Petty, selfish, exhausted, broken, and defeated. This is a post on WHY I chose to reject the visit that was supposed to happen in the next two weeks.

Remember the story of King Solomon? I totally stole this off wikipedia...but here it is....

The story is recounted in 1Kings 3:16-28. Two women who lived in the same house and who both had an infant son, came to Solomon for a judgement. One of the women claimed that the other, after accidentally smothering her own son while sleeping, had exchanged the two children to make it appear that the living child was hers. The other woman denied this and so both women claimed to be the mother of the living son and said that the dead boy belonged to the other.

After some deliberation, king Solomon called for a sword to be brought before him. He declared that there is only one fair solution: the live son must be split in two, each woman receiving half of the child. Upon hearing this terrible verdict, the boy's true mother cried out, "Please, My Lord, give her the live child—do not kill him!" However, the liar, in her bitter jealousy, exclaimed, "It shall be neither mine nor yours—divide it!" Solomon instantly gave the live baby to the real mother, realizing that the true mother's instincts were to protect her child, while the liar revealed that she did not truly love the child. King Solomon's trick succeeded. The imposter revealed herself by her heartless cruelty. After all, no mother would have let her own child be killed just to spite another woman.


Now I have neither the wisdom of Solomon, nor the strength of a king.
I am a weak, wounded women who is trying her best not to break beneath the crushing weight of what the negative turn in my own adoption journey is doing to me or my family. And it's hard.

There aren't words for the sadness I feel, the obsession I am fighting, or the loss I am trying to work through. The reason I bring this up is simple. My decision to place Lauren for adoption was based on what I thought was best for my children and her at the time, with the information I had at my disposal. Whether L* and M* like it or not, or whether I have even come to terms with it, Lauren was "mine" first. There is a natural attatchment there that I FEEL even if I don't fully UNDERSTAND. More importantly, that being said, Lauren is also NOT a possession. She is a living, breathing person with a past, and a present, and a future. She is not "mine". She is not "theirs".
She is simply a child, placed in between two women who are fighting for her love...and she is too young to realize it. And by the time she is old enough to do just that...I don't want to be the one yelling, "CUT HER IN HALF!" My love is strong enough to walk away, whether I want to or not, and let life run its course.

If you are still reading this, and don't think I have totally lost my mind, let's move this discussion from the bible into the real world. Let's talk divorce...Let's talk child custody. I was raised in a "broken home". My husband was raised in a "broken home". And like the sad statistics we have become, we have caused "broken homes". He is my second husband, I am his third wife.

I have a beautiful, amazing, talented young women I am PROUD to call my daughter from my first marriage. She has lived with her father for ten of her thirteen years. She has loved me, hated me, been confused by me, been validated in seeing how much of who she is is from me. I love her with my entire heart, and for the most part, have a successful relationship with her, despite the fact she was not raised in my home. I have loved her from afar. I have loved her upclose and personal. I have been lucky.

My husband has four children from previous marriages. One from the first, three from the second. In his second marriage, he is unale to build a relationship with the children, and they are troubled, lost souls. Their mother cares only for the check she receives for each child, and that is a nasty can of worms that I care not to dive into here.

But his oldest child...the one who was born on his 19th birthday...his first born...that is an all together different story. When they split, she was a young child and for years Perr fought tooth and nail for visitation rights. Going to court time and time again, submitting to drug tests, and drama, all for the RIGHT to see her. And he will be the first to tell you it was all in vain during that time frame. Time and time again, he would go to pick her up, following the miserable visiting schedule that the court laid out for them, and time and time again, the cops would show up and turn him away from the house without seeing his daughter. He'd stand there...waving his little white visitation order in front of the cops...demanding to see the child that was half his, and still being unable to. Eventually, after the child witnessing this enough times...he chose to let her go. He stopped fighting for visits. He stopped trying to reason with the police who would throw his visitation order on the ground and escort him off the property. And years and years and years of him wondering where she was, and how she was doing went by.

Then, on her 18th birthday, out of the blue, she called him. And we went to meet her. And we were able to build a relationship with her on our own. Granted, nothing in this world is perfect...but when left to her own decisions...she made the one that showed she wanted to know him. And it was tragic, and it was beautiful, but it was real. And no visitation orders were needed, and no cops were called, and no sword to divide her in half was needed.

Sometimes, we have to let go in order to be reached out to. That is what I am choosing to do now. I cannot fight a battle with someone who feels entitled to what they have been given. I cannot argue the pros and cons of an open adoption with those who choose to learn nothing of it. Who don't WANT to know that there are other courses of action than the ones they are taking. And I cannot be any type of successful mother to my own children if I spent every second of every day worrying about theirs. And in case you aren't aware...that's exactly what I have been doing. And we are all drowning from it. I can't forget. I can't just "get over it". I can't pretend that my heart isn't in a thousand pieces within my chest, and that my mind is focused where it needs to be.  Because it's not. A visit, at this time, would do more damage than good. It would satisy MY need to see her, MY need to hold her, MY need to try and reason with her parents that I am not a bad person, that I am supportive of them as her parents...but that would be the end of any progress made in trying to repair MY family. I would walk away more hardened, more hurt, and even emptier than I already am. And she being 18 months old would walk away with no memory of the event at all.

Just in case you were wondering....


Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Monday, October 18, 2010

My New Theme Song for Why I write this Blog!




La-la-la-la-la la
lala la la-la la lala
[repeat]

Everyday I fight for all my future somethings
A thousand little wars I have to choose between
I could spend a lifetime learning things I don't need
That's like chasing rainbows and coming home empty

And if you strip me, strip it all away
If you strip me, what would you find
If you strip me, strip it all away
I'll be alright

Take what you want steal my pride
Build me up or cut me down to size
Shut me out but I'll just scream
I'm only one voice in a million
But you ain't taking that from me (oh ooh)
You ain't taking that from me (oh oh)
You ain't taking that from me (oh oh)
You ain't taking that from me (oh oh)
You ain't taking that!

I don't need a microphone yeah
To say what I've been thinking
My heart is like a loudspeaker
That's always on eleven

And if you strip me, strip it all away
If you strip me, what would you find
If you strip me, strip it all away
I'm still the same

Take what you want steal my pride
Build me up or cut me down to size
Shut me out but I'll just scream
I'm only one voice in a million
But you ain't taking that from me (oh ooh)
You ain't taking that from me (oh oh)
You ain't taking that from me (oh oh)
You ain't taking that from me (oh oh)
You ain't taking that!

Cause when it all boils down at the end of the day
It's what you do and say that makes you who you are
Makes you think about, think about it doesn't it
Sometimes all it takes is one voice

Take what you want steal my pride
Build me up or cut me down to size
Shut me out but I'll just scream
I'm only one voice in a million
But you ain't taking that from me (oh ooh)
You ain't taking that from me (oh oh)
You ain't taking that from me (oh oh)
You ain't taking that from me (oh oh)
You ain't taking that!

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Clarity from the FSA Conference.

So this past weekend, I attended my first adoption event. Can I just say WOW!!!? Southwest Regional Conference for Families Supporting Adoption  put on a two day event to share the positive side of adoption. What an amazing experience! If you follow me on Facebook, you know I have had plenty of great things to say about the people I met, the stories I heard, and the deep appreciation I have of the people who worked so hard to put it all together. There were so many positive experiences, and valuable lessons, and tons of great things there. And in all honesty, the BEST cake I have ever tasted. Major high fives to whomever made it!!!

Hopefully I'll pop up on some other blogs with my wonderful shiny, happy views of the whole thing. I don't want to write a "play by play" post because those are popping up everywhere, and I am a lousy narrator. And in no way, shape, or form, do I wish this post to take away from everyone's hard work and effort. Here, on my personal blog, I am going to talk about the personal revelations that I had. The little epiphany's that I had over the course of the weekend.

When the class schedule came out, I scoured over every class, looking for the one I felt would give me the most answers. When I saw "Communicating and Negotiating with Your Adoptive Couple", my heart did little flip flops. For those who know me, you KNOW I needed this class. Recently, my not-so-open couple suggested a visit, and I was elated. Not wanting to repeat the "Bank of America Notary Signing" incident, or the "Let's have strangers look at us like we're crazy in the Bagel Shop" visit, I suggested that perhaps they could come to my home for lunch. Casual, calm, nothing formal, and most importantly of all, private. Privacy so that I can ask the questions that are eating me alive. Privacy, so that I can FINALLY snap a picture of me with the baby. Privacy, so that I can try to work out a picture/letter schedule that works for both of us. That should have been easy considering that L* and M* are such privacy freaks. And yet, it's not. Late Thursday night (right before the conference), I received an email telling me that they would NOT come visit here, but that a public park was fine. Needless to say, I blew it. I am still livid. And I am NOT going to a park...people deadly allergic to bees have no interest in playing outside. So I went to the conference, trying to smile and be happy for it, but carrying such a huge disappointment upon my shoulders. Hoping against hope, that this one class was truly going to teach me how to negotiate with my couple. Praying that there was a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Wishing that the Holy Grail would be in that class. Fingers, toes, and all crossed for some answers.

None if it was there. When I heard the couple teaching the class tell their story, I was excited. They too had a birthmother who thought she wanted little to no contact afterwards. She too changed her mind about it, leaning towards a far more open adoption. I thought, "THIS IS IT! THEY'LL KNOW!!!!". But they didn't. Their birthmom changed her mind at the hospital. I changed mine in month seven. They missed the delivery and she had a full day with the baby in the hospital before they were allowed to come. Mine were in the delivery room, and M* cut the cord. I never even got to hold her because they wouldn't put her down, and I was so out of it, I never asked. They have a close, loving relationship. I am at the level of a third cousin, twice removed...thought of only when it is convenient or when a dear friend chooses to make an attempt to help me open it up. They couldn't answer how to negotiate or communicate, because when she asked, they answered. What she wanted, she got. They went to the light side, mine went to the dark. The situations weren't the same. They said that their birthmother was on the younger side, and kind of looked at them as mother and father figures. I got upset, because in my situation, we are all full grown adults...we should act better than that (which was the point I was trying to make when I broke out with "crack whore"). At one point, I freaked out...made a weepy ass of myself...and still did not find the answer I wanted. But what I did find was clarity.

Aaahh...sweet clarity. I love you and I hate you. You teach me that the answer I want is not necessarily the answer that's needed. What I walked away from that class with, other than a headache and really puffy eyes, was that the only place I was ever going to find the answers to my problems, was in L* and M*. And "at this time" (their single most used phrase), they don't have any. They may never have any. They may NEVER educate themselves to learn that their actions are killing me, and will possibly do some damage to Lauren at some point as well. But there's no way to know, there's no way to tell, and nothing will change until THEY are ready to.

The second biggest lesson I learned was a tough one. It is easy to blame others for your suffering, and much harder to realize the suffering you cause to others. When we arrived home after the conference, I was telling Perr about the disappointment of the class, and he FREAKED. Not just kind of freaked out....major freak out, and in front of Kelsey, none the less. I was SO SO SO embarrassed. And then I stepped back, realized that he was not only talking about adoption....he was making valid points. And from the rant if all rants, I had yet another epiphany...

Building another person's family should not destroy my own.

(Pretty profound, huh? I am going to write a post in a few days titled that. I truly have a lot to say about it. Just not now.....)

And as with all lessons in life, it should have been common sense, and yet it wasn't. As I listened to him rant and rave about all the time I have spent in the last two years staring at the Internet to find answers to questions that have no answers, and about his concern as to who was going to step up and advocate for the three motherless children we have here, and about how much pain and suffering I have passed on from the pain and suffering I have gone through....aaaahhhhh.....damn you clarity! You showed me yet again what a clear mind can do.

I have plenty, plenty more to say, but as part of my "recovery program", I have solemnly sworn not to sit in front of this computer all day, so I will come back to it. I have deleted myself from Adoption Voices, so you can find me here, or on FB. I may in fact be entering a new chapter in this adoption journey of mine, and at this time, I really don't know which direction I will go. But I'll be back. Blogs are forever....and I love you all.