Welcome to the craziness that is my life!

This is my story in pieces. The good ones, the bad ones, and everything in between. It is messy and flawed...just like it's author. I am not a selfliss person...I am not an angel...I am a loud, opinionated, most of the time crazy, Mom. I write here the things I cannot discuss in my "day to day life". These views are my own, from my own journey. Adoption has changed my life forever, some for good, some not so good. If you don't agree with me, that's fine. It's not your story...it's mine. Consider it a manual on "How Not To Act/What Not To Do When You Are Pregnant and Considering Adoption". If you learn nothing else, learn to educate yourself to the long term affects on yourself, your family, and the child you chose to place.

Oh...and please, don't call me "bitter". I prefer the term "enlightened".


***DISCLAIMER-I don't speak for anyone but me...in this story or in life. It is here as an educational tool if anyone chooses to learn something. I appreciate comments always.***

P.S. Just because I don't actively blog doesn't mean I still don't LOVE comments. Yes, I still check them. I guess I would just rather hear YOUR thoughts, than share mine.

If you missed the story, start reading the "Posts of Some Significance" located directly underneath and to the right of this. That's the story in a nutshell.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Thou Shalt Not Covet

So if any of us have figured out anything about the aftermath of Adoption, and all of the craziness that it brings with it, it is that things change. Constantly. Feelings, Emotions, Practices, Procedures, Viewpoints, Comfort Zones, Ignorance levels, and on and on and on. Sometimes it takes a week. Sometimes it takes a month. Sometimes it can change 17 times in one afternoon. Change is the only thing constant in Adoption. (I would say grief is as well, but I like to think that EVENTUALLY I will heal up, so we won't include that...for now.)

So recently, when "THE EMAIL" showed up...things changed yet again. I'm not really interested in getting into that at this point, because I really want to showcase all of the things that happened between when it was sent, and when I finally made up my mind on what I thought of it. "At this time", let's just say that there was a HUGE evolution of thought processes and personal growth, and over the course of the month, you'll get to learn all about it.  There was an awful lot of emotion behind receiving it, and hearing what those that sent it truly thought. But let's be honest (especially to those of you who know me in "real" life)...I was initially pissed. And even pissed is an understatement.

So into my "secret support group" I went, tears streaming, cheeks red, hands shaking, and I shared it's contents with those closest to me. Initially, almost everyone I love most was pissed with me. And then when the anger wore off, as it always does, some really neat perspectives began to pop up. I will write about the others this month, but here is one of the most interesting...actually sent from another birthmother who has been in a similar situation as I am in now. Here's what she wrote....

"Don't be offended... but I was just wondering... when was the last time you read this?
http://notquitejuno.blogspot.com/2010/01/my-miraclefinding-closure.html

What changed since then, to you not being happy and at peace with the relationship anymore?
  • Learning about how open other adoptions are?
  • Comparing L and M to others like your 'fab 5'?
  • Getting told over and over how 'If you had placed with me i would treat you blah blah blah/give you blah blah blah'?
  • Coveting that which you dont have in comparison to other birthmom stories?
  • Have you convinced yourself that THIS wasn't enough after all?
Love you..."

So I sat there and thought about it for a long time. And I reread the post. And I reread the comments. And I rethought the day of the visit...especially on Saturday, when we could have been visiting again...all of the awkward pauses, and how weird the whole setting was, and about how pissed I was the Perr had refused to go with me, and most of all about how it took everything in my power that day not to lean across the table and punch her in the face as hard as I could when she asked me if I was surprised that they had brought the baby.

But instead of reflecting on how I felt about something the year before, I simply focused on the questions in front of me. And thought about if for many days. And thanked her for saying it to me. And above all realized that in between all of the other labels I bestow upon myself, and others bestow upon me...I am now, in addition...a COVETER.

So what are the answers to these tough questions.....lol???

YES
YES
NO
YES
and YES.

Learning about how open other adoptions are? I walked into adoption uneducated, and managed to find people who were not educated enough either. It is easy to wipe the blame, and say that they knew EXACTLY what they were doing, that they took advantage of my lack of education, that they are horrible monsters....but really? They're just normal people. And they are going to do what feels right to them. But here's where the rub lies for me...I have read the research on the benefits of open adoption. I have read the blogs, listened to some adoptees views on open adoption (both the positive and the negative). I have read the myths...seen the myths dispelled. I have read, and researched, and learned enough to know that we (the four of us) are doing an injustice to her by not offering this to her. And that bothers me. It is perfectly OK in this life to make mistakes...it is not OK (to me) to continue to make them, when there is research or evidence that shows what we are doing by having no relationship is wrong. Old fashioned adoptions are out of date for a reason. I worry a lot about how she is going to take it when she realizes that while lots of other adoptions are happy and healthy, hers is stunted. That fear, or insecurity, or just blinding ignorance is preventing her from having everything that could be available to her.


Comparing L* and M* to Others Like Your Fab 5? I wonder, why intelligent, decent human beings like them cannot take the time to learn about the benefits of open adoption. The people on my Fab 5 are there for a reason. I think each and every one of them is extraordinary in their own way. (Once upon a time it was a Super 7, but two amazing little families have already been made) I don't want to share the reasons why they are on that list right now, because I plan to do a post on each one later this month. But what they all share in common is simple...they all realize Adoption is a long, hard process...and above all else, a journey, not a destination. And they each have taken the time to learn all they can about it, and all of them continue to allow other's viewpoints to help shape their experience.

Getting told over and over how 'If you had placed with me i would treat you blah blah blah/give you blah blah blah'? Surprisingly, this was the only NO answer I could give on her list of questions. Right, wrong, or indifferent, I have now truly seen what desperation will do to a person and their moral standards, and rarely, if ever, will I ever take someone for face value again. I could care less what others would have done...I only care about what mine won't. Even though, that makes it about me...not Lauren, right now. Which is yet another point that she brought up in another conversation...and was a very valid point. And something that I am working on as we speak. (Did I mention adoption is a LONG process of self discovery....)

Coveting that which you dont have in comparison to other birthmom stories? I have a whole list of bloggers I covet. Among them, Rebekkah at Heart Cries. I don't always agree with everything she writes (though I LOVE most of it!) but seeing the first birthday pictures of her son was enough to piss me off enough to wish that I had put "Ability to take fantastic pictures" on my list of traits I was seeking in Adoptive parents. LOL. And she's not even a birthmom...she's an Adoptive Momma who feels torn at times between the joy she lives, and the grief that it has caused in her son's birthmomma. She actually cares. And writes about it. And I covet the heck out of her for that. There are many, many others that have more openess than I could ever dream of, and there are others who will never know half of what I know about Lauren. It's a double edged sword of sorts...I am thankful for the little bit I have, and hateful for the whole lot I dont. But yes, the more stories I learn, the more I wish I had a similar situation, and the more angry I get. The trick is working through the anger, and then finding peace and clarity from it. Accepting the things you have, and the things you cannot change. And realizing when to step back from things so that you don't become bitter.

Have you convinced yourself that THIS wasn't enough after all? At the end of my July post regarding would I do it over again I wrote this..."And knowing what I know now (referring to all I now know about open adoptions and the benefits for everyone involved)...if they truly wanted me to disappear, and not be a part of their lives, then I would have chosen differently. There are many healthy, productive open adoptions out there. I wish I had known about them when I was making my adoption plan. If I had, I would have insisted on nothing less, and if L & M were not on board, then no amount of love for them would have made them the right choice for me."

Imagine how heartbreaking it was when the words came through the computer that simply read..."When we first looked into adoption, long before we met you...we never envisioned having a relationship with the birth family."

But that my friends, is another post.....

In the meantime, I gotta work on the simple commandment...
Thou shalt not covet.




10 comments:

  1. "we never envisioned having a relationship with the birth family"...hello??? By adopting Lauren they HAVE established a relationship with the birth family! That makes me angry and sad and frustrated for you, and for Lauren. The one thing I remind myself is that as you said, change is the only constant in adoption. It truly is. Because people are involved. Attitudes and behavior change all the time. I hope that with a little time and growth they do realize that an open adoption is truly the best gift they can give her. Children aren't stray cats...they have biological origins! That makes me so mad!!Sending positive thoughts your way.

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  2. clarification: when I said 'THIS wasnt enough afterall' I meant your feeling of peace you shared about as you left that visit.

    Not THIS as in what you have/know today, or felt/knew in july or what they have since revealed about their intentions.
    love you still xoxo

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  3. When we're hurt and react, we feel like we're right. In fact, we KNOW we're right a lot of times; and then people who love us turn our perspective. Those perspectives hurt because we realize that our truth isn't necessarily THE truth for everyone. It hurts, but it's healing because we start to look outside ourselves (just happened to me this weekend).

    Coveting, I think, is a very prevalent sin in the adoption world. I know I suffer from it; in fact, I think that's my biggest problem right now. Your post has helped me realize this. I see what others have/can have and what I've been waiting for, for FOUR years. Coveting has come in waves: it comes and goes. I wish I could just let it go forever, but it's so hard. Thanks for reminding me of what I need to work on.

    P.S. I love you!

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  4. This post is awesome. I didn't realize how many different types of open adoption there were. There are a few blogs (many of which you read like the R House) that have made me think and regret. What if I chose them, or a family like them. I would get this, and I would get that. And how come Birth Mom X gets to do this, or see their child more often. It got to the point that it completly consumed me, and was starting to affect my relationship with my hubby and son. I realized that the grass is always greener, I'm always going to wish some things were different, but the bottom line.....I chose adoption for HER not for ME. It was not the right choice for me, but it was the best choice for HER. She has an amazing life. She belongs with her family, no doubt about it. And while it may hurt me to not have the openess I wish we did have, at least there is some openness, and at least she is happy.
    Hugs to you, sometimes I read your posts and I am convinced you must be able to read my mind.....a lot of what you say is exactly what I'm thinking. You are just better at putting into words then I ever could be!

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  5. I'm an adoptive mom so I feel like I shouldn't even post a comment...I just wanted to say I loved your post. I'm so sorry for your pain and I truly pray that things will change.

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  6. This is a fantastic post!
    I will never be able to understand adoptive parents that don't care to know their child's birth family. Don't they want to know why he/she looks or acts a certain way? Don't they want to know the child's history?
    Hell, I wonder about where my dog came from (who were his parents, what exactly is he mixed with?), and that's just a DOG! I could never take a child and choose to not know about that child's family.

    So sorry you are going through such a tough time :( You are in my thoughts and prayers

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  7. Amen. I could have typed all of this myself. I find myself saying selfish things in my mind all the time. Things I am ashamed of, but are real to me all the same.

    Why are the adoptive mom's feelings more important than mine?

    Why do I have to wait for them to come around?

    Can't they see the beauty of what an open adoption could be?

    I thought you promised me we would be friends forever when I was pregnant with your child and I have never had a call from you since you took her home. (In fairness, they do send monthly emails with pictures, thankfully)

    There are adoptive parents out there begging for their brithparents to want to be more involved, but instead I am in a triad with a couple who wish they didn't have to share.

    I am a mature, professional, mother of 3 normal boys who is in a healthy committed relationship with the father of the child. We are not a threat to the mental wellbeing of your child. Why can't we be included?

    Why do their friends get to spend time with their daughter, yet I am the person who gave birth to her and I haven't been granted even one visit?

    ((sigh))

    I don't even like typing the words because I know none of these emotions are from God, but they are very real to me all the same.

    Thank you for sharing my own lament through your words.

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  8. Hmmm. Your last few posts have given me alot to think about. Lots going on right now for us. But, am reminded that when things are hardest, it's sometimes best to keep thinking, stay within myself and work it out. Even when it's uncomfortable...thanks, as always, for sharing, Michelle. <3

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  9. Swept away by this post, your honesty and insights - the very best of wishes to you on the journey.

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