Welcome to the craziness that is my life!

This is my story in pieces. The good ones, the bad ones, and everything in between. It is messy and flawed...just like it's author. I am not a selfliss person...I am not an angel...I am a loud, opinionated, most of the time crazy, Mom. I write here the things I cannot discuss in my "day to day life". These views are my own, from my own journey. Adoption has changed my life forever, some for good, some not so good. If you don't agree with me, that's fine. It's not your story...it's mine. Consider it a manual on "How Not To Act/What Not To Do When You Are Pregnant and Considering Adoption". If you learn nothing else, learn to educate yourself to the long term affects on yourself, your family, and the child you chose to place.

Oh...and please, don't call me "bitter". I prefer the term "enlightened".


***DISCLAIMER-I don't speak for anyone but me...in this story or in life. It is here as an educational tool if anyone chooses to learn something. I appreciate comments always.***

P.S. Just because I don't actively blog doesn't mean I still don't LOVE comments. Yes, I still check them. I guess I would just rather hear YOUR thoughts, than share mine.

If you missed the story, start reading the "Posts of Some Significance" located directly underneath and to the right of this. That's the story in a nutshell.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Was He Reading My Mind???

   I have all of these really neat posts ALMOST finished, but I can feel the clock ticking, and I don't want to fail out of the challenge on Day Two. So instead of my crazy ramblings on my crazy life, I am going to share another great post from Sally Bacchetta over at The Adoptive Parent. You can read this amazing account of the mixed feelings adoption causes by clicking here...

IF YOU DIDN'T CLICK IT...STOP CHEATING, AND GO CLICK IT!

   What a powerful way to lay out the whole picture. The good and the bad...side by side. I couldn't have described this better myself. I have my, "I hate Adoption and wish I never knew about it!" days, and I have my "Thank God for the healing powers of Adoption!" days, and sometimes I have both days in one day.
  
   I especially liked this part..."I heard that during the pregnancy he never considered raising his daughter and that he believes he made the right decision, except when he worries that he made a mistake."


   That's me in a nutshell. She NEVER felt like my child. I loved her with my whole heart. I still do. I love her with the little pieces that are left. I wanted the best for her. I still do. I have no doubt she is living it as we speak. I knew that given the circumstances, we weren't it. I never doubted that. I felt drawn to adoption from the minute I realized I couldn't afford an abortion, and that was it. Even though I sometimes regret my current relationship with her Aparents (or I guess more correctly...my choice in parents for her that don't want a relationship with me), I knew she was never mine to keep. She was mine to love, mine to grow, mine to cherish, but not mine to keep. I have never regretted choosing Adoption...except when I do. Somedays, more so than others. Not on the days when the kids are complaining that they are squooshed in the back seat. Never on the days when I have worked 12 hours and have a migraine the size of Texas. But all the other times...when I realize there is an empty chair at my dinner table, when asked how many kids I have...when I am alone in my thoughts...when I am drawn to the adoption forums...when not a day goes by that I can simply focus on my family without feeling like something is missing. She is ALWAYS there. ALWAYS on my mind. My heart aches constantly for a child I don't consider mine. How does that work?
  
I also liked this..."I heard that he is grateful to adoption for giving him an out and grateful to her adoptive parents for giving her a better life. I heard that he resents adoption for giving him an out and resents her adoptive parents for being able to give her a better life."
  
Could I have done it? I ask myself that daily. Should I have done it? Parented, chosen adoption, found the $425 and just been done with it. Such hard questions, without easy answers. I am pretty sure that I have turned anti-abortion after meeting so many people who would die for a child, while so many others snuff out the choice of life. So that makes me another walking contradiction. I have graduated to a "pro-choice" person who doesn't believe in 98% of abortions. I couldn't have parented either. Not enough money, no matter how we sliced it.  Adoption was the best choice, and as much as I hate it is as much as I love it.

I am not tainted by adoption...I am simply different because of it. It remade my personality make up. It made me see more, and feel more, and love more. I debate with myself all the time if I prefer the "pre" or the "post" Michelle. Truth be told, I don't know. I had only known sadness a few times prior to the adoption. I waltzed through my insignifigant life and was happy in my little bubble. I did not know grief, compassion, or sympathy, or god forbid empathy...yet I know them all now.

Sometimes coming to terms with our own contradictions can be a good thing. Rarely, if ever, are things in life simply black and white. It is learning to navigate the "grey areas" that helps to shape who we truly are.

Any thoughts?

8 comments:

  1. That's one of my favorite Sally articles. Thanks for helping me navigate through my grey areas! I love you, Woman!

    ReplyDelete
  2. That was a great post, and yours was as well...I write a lot and still couldn't figure out how to express those same thoughts. No matter what I have been through, prior to adoption I had no idea.
    "I did not know grief, compassion, or sympathy, or god forbid empathy...yet I know them all now."
    EXACTLY!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thoughts? Brilliant!

    "I have never regretted choosing Adoption...except when I do."

    I LOVE your honesty Michelle! Not a year has gone by when I have not thought this very same thought myself. Life Being Lived is right, you hit the nail on the head with this post!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Knowing you and learning from you have made me a better person and a better adoptive momma. I for one am glad to know the new Michelle. I didn't know the old one and I wish we could have met under different circumstances but, I am grateful to know you and the heart you posses now! Love you momma xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  5. Wow. I have never commented before, but this is insanely powerful. I have chills.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Absolutely love your last paragraphy! :) I agree with Meg, I've learned SO much from you and I hope it has made me a better person and adoptive mother! :) Love you!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I LOVE that post from Sally too. So insightful! Thanks for posting your thoughts, too!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Michelle,

    I'm glad my post was meaningful for you. I'm well aware of the contradictions inherent in adoption, and although it doesn't necessarily make it any easier, sharing honestly (all sides with each other) seems to bring some clarity and peace. Every time I read one of your posts I'm grateful that you share yourself with us in the blogosphere!

    ReplyDelete

Comment moderation is off. Too much power in my hands. Feel free to speak your mind.