I have all of these really neat posts ALMOST finished, but I can feel the clock ticking, and I don't want to fail out of the challenge on Day Two. So instead of my crazy ramblings on my crazy life, I am going to share another great post from Sally Bacchetta over at The Adoptive Parent. You can read this amazing account of the mixed feelings adoption causes by clicking here...
IF YOU DIDN'T CLICK IT...STOP CHEATING, AND GO CLICK IT!
What a powerful way to lay out the whole picture. The good and the bad...side by side. I couldn't have described this better myself. I have my, "I hate Adoption and wish I never knew about it!" days, and I have my "Thank God for the healing powers of Adoption!" days, and sometimes I have both days in one day.
I especially liked this part..."I heard that during the pregnancy he never considered raising his daughter and that he believes he made the right decision, except when he worries that he made a mistake."
That's me in a nutshell. She NEVER felt like my child. I loved her with my whole heart. I still do. I love her with the little pieces that are left. I wanted the best for her. I still do. I have no doubt she is living it as we speak. I knew that given the circumstances, we weren't it. I never doubted that. I felt drawn to adoption from the minute I realized I couldn't afford an abortion, and that was it. Even though I sometimes regret my current relationship with her Aparents (or I guess more correctly...my choice in parents for her that don't want a relationship with me), I knew she was never mine to keep. She was mine to love, mine to grow, mine to cherish, but not mine to keep. I have never regretted choosing Adoption...except when I do. Somedays, more so than others. Not on the days when the kids are complaining that they are squooshed in the back seat. Never on the days when I have worked 12 hours and have a migraine the size of Texas. But all the other times...when I realize there is an empty chair at my dinner table, when asked how many kids I have...when I am alone in my thoughts...when I am drawn to the adoption forums...when not a day goes by that I can simply focus on my family without feeling like something is missing. She is ALWAYS there. ALWAYS on my mind. My heart aches constantly for a child I don't consider mine. How does that work?
I also liked this..."I heard that he is grateful to adoption for giving him an out and grateful to her adoptive parents for giving her a better life. I heard that he resents adoption for giving him an out and resents her adoptive parents for being able to give her a better life."
Could I have done it? I ask myself that daily. Should I have done it? Parented, chosen adoption, found the $425 and just been done with it. Such hard questions, without easy answers. I am pretty sure that I have turned anti-abortion after meeting so many people who would die for a child, while so many others snuff out the choice of life. So that makes me another walking contradiction. I have graduated to a "pro-choice" person who doesn't believe in 98% of abortions. I couldn't have parented either. Not enough money, no matter how we sliced it. Adoption was the best choice, and as much as I hate it is as much as I love it.
I am not tainted by adoption...I am simply different because of it. It remade my personality make up. It made me see more, and feel more, and love more. I debate with myself all the time if I prefer the "pre" or the "post" Michelle. Truth be told, I don't know. I had only known sadness a few times prior to the adoption. I waltzed through my insignifigant life and was happy in my little bubble. I did not know grief, compassion, or sympathy, or god forbid empathy...yet I know them all now.
Sometimes coming to terms with our own contradictions can be a good thing. Rarely, if ever, are things in life simply black and white. It is learning to navigate the "grey areas" that helps to shape who we truly are.