Welcome to the craziness that is my life!

This is my story in pieces. The good ones, the bad ones, and everything in between. It is messy and flawed...just like it's author. I am not a selfliss person...I am not an angel...I am a loud, opinionated, most of the time crazy, Mom. I write here the things I cannot discuss in my "day to day life". These views are my own, from my own journey. Adoption has changed my life forever, some for good, some not so good. If you don't agree with me, that's fine. It's not your story...it's mine. Consider it a manual on "How Not To Act/What Not To Do When You Are Pregnant and Considering Adoption". If you learn nothing else, learn to educate yourself to the long term affects on yourself, your family, and the child you chose to place.

Oh...and please, don't call me "bitter". I prefer the term "enlightened".


***DISCLAIMER-I don't speak for anyone but me...in this story or in life. It is here as an educational tool if anyone chooses to learn something. I appreciate comments always.***

P.S. Just because I don't actively blog doesn't mean I still don't LOVE comments. Yes, I still check them. I guess I would just rather hear YOUR thoughts, than share mine.

If you missed the story, start reading the "Posts of Some Significance" located directly underneath and to the right of this. That's the story in a nutshell.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

An Adoption is a Business Transaction.


So...my last post seemed to really get people fired up.

I wrote about the blessing/curse of Statcounter, my favorite blog stalkers, and how I was trying to get over stalking what my stalkers were doing. Just me venting a frustration on a blog thats purpose is for me to vent my frustrations. Nothing new. It was the comments that really took me by surprise. No matter what side of the fence they were on, a lot of people REALLY got pissed. At me, at them, at whatever. It's America...we have freedom of speech, and so I posted each comment-one by one. Even the one that stung. The one that made me cry. The one that made me think. The one that rebutted that one. The one after that. And on and on. And you know what I decided? I don't want to moderate comments anymore. It's your world people...speak your mind. It's too much power in my little hands. I don't want to be in the postion to referee. I just want to hear people's perspectives. I don't ever comment back when people leave their thoughts because I don't want to A.) Start a comment war, or B.) influence another's raw opinion. It doesn't mean I don't love each and every comment...but I always feel like I threw my views out in the post...the comments are for others. Just in case you were wondering....

I also removed StatCounter from the blog. It seems like the only healthy way to continue blogging. I can't worry about who is reading what. Or why. I just want to blog. And guess what...I have a quote for it...

"He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. For if you gaze too long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you." - Friedrich Nietzsche.

That's how I feel about StatCounter. The abyss was not only gazing...it was drowning me. Swallowing me. And I couldn't do it anymore. So it's gone.

Now what does that have to do with Adoption being a business transaction??? The answer is nothing. I just needed to get that off my chest. Moving on now....

So back to the business of it all. The comment that started the uproar is the feature of this post. Apparently, this reader held very strong views of me and how I am proceeding on my adoption journey. I am featuring it here...not to trash their opinion...not to agree or disagree with their point as a whole, but merely to share another person's view of adoption...one that I especially do not agree with. Here goes.....


"Anonymous said...



Dear Michelle,
I have spent the afternoon reading your blog. After years of fertility problems I became pregnant. Then I lost the baby to an incompetent cervix. Now I'm fortunately pregnant again. My husband and I have contemplated adoption. I hear your pain, and it frustrates me. You made a solid decision to put your child up for adoption. Your decision has blessed M and L so much with this gift. Now you need to let them form their family and leave them alone. Please stay in counseling. You chose a closed adoption, so accept your decision. Your husband has and I hope you will too in time. You need to focus on your other children and take comfort that the youngest is being well taken care of by her loving parents. Stop being selfish and focus on your other kids' futures.


An adoption is a business transaction. You need to realize that except for the baby, you and M and L would have probably never had met in real life and were even less likely to be friends. It's over with and has been so for 1 year and 9 months and 6 days. Move on. Start by taking that ticker off of the top of your blog.

The baby is fine with her loving mommy and daddy. They will always appreciate you for your loving gift. The baby may seek you out one day when she is grown, and if she does that will be her choice.


After reading your blog, I honestly understand why so many potential adoptive parents prefer a closed adoption or an international adoption. I am glad you have this blog as it gives you a creative outlet. Take that creativity and expand your horizons. Please look toward your future. You are in my prayers. "


Her opinion is no more or less important than anyone else's. As a mother myself, I feel sadness and sorrow for the child she lost. And I will say nothing negative about the child she and her husband are about to bring into this world. I will say, however, for the sake of the child they contemplated adopting, and for the sake of that child's mother that I am VERY glad they are "fortunately pregnant" again. I wish them the best with their future biological children. And I am happy that while this is a very passive aggressive comment, at least she will be including me in her prayers. That I got her thinking, just as she got me thinking. In all honesty, there are a few things she said that really hit home. There are a few things the other commenters said that did as well. I won't say that this Anonymous commenter is right or wrong as a whole. But I do want to say a few quick things.

1. Adoption (for me) was NOT a business transaction. Lauren did not have a UPC barcode on her butt when she was born. I was not handed a receipt, and I most CERTAINLY was not informed of any return policy. I do think that Adoption can be a lucrative business (especially for agencies), but when contemplating adoption...when choosing adoption...and while being forced to live with the fallout from this adoption...I never once thought of it as a business transaction. If anything, I would have sold my soul to not be in the position to place her with anyone other than us.

2. Children are not gifts. Lauren was also not born with a big red bow on her head. I didn't create her in order to give as a gift to some upper middle class white woman so she would feel better about her own infertility. I am sure she will provide her parents with many gifts in the future (I know mine do), but she herself was NOT a gift. She was a baby. She is a person.

3. I love my ticker, and I will NEVER remove it. Every day that passes I am able to be glad I survived another day.

4. At an adoption conference I attended (Yes the one where I spit out the phrase "Crack Whore" amongst a room full of shocked LDS Members) an adoptee stood up and tried very hard to make it a point that Adoptive Parents NOT WAIT until the child is an adult to tell them their adoption story. To anyone considering adoption, please look into this prior to adopting. I am obviously not an adoptee, so I can't speak from firsthand experience on what is right or wrong. I am simply saying educate yourself.

5. If Lauren seeks me out or not, it will be her choice. Based on her desires, not what was taught to her, or told to her. Taryn is living proof that children will come to their own conclusions about how they feel regarding their stories. Brainwashing doesn't work. DNA is thicker than an ammended birth certificate. But above all, even if she doesn't...it'll be her choice.

6. Last but not least...here's some free life advice in regards to adoption. This line irritated me almost more than any other...You need to realize that except for the baby, you and M and L would have probably never had met in real life and were even less likely to be friends. When I read this, I couldn't help but think, "Is this what THEY think?" Her statement was full of truth...except for saying I "didn't realize" this. To everyone reading...I FULLY REALIZE THIS. For the record, I didn't need any new friends. I didn't get pregnant to make new friends. In fact, the adoption killed the majority of the friendships I had prior. And it built me some of the most amazing ones ever after the fact. I have no doubt they try to be the best parents they can be, but rest assured that I don't view them as such amazing people that my life would have never been complete if we hadn't faked friendship for seven months. And on top of that...I hope they realize that except for me, and my lack of education, my own ignorance, and my poor decision...they would have never been parents. I hope EVERY potential adoptive parent that feels the way this commenter does about birthmothers realizes that simple truth...no crisis pregnancy=no paper pregnancy.
 
 
So that's all for now. I am worn out.
 
Any thoughts? Feel free to comment....the moderation is off! :)

25 comments:

  1. I think you are in amazing woman! I'm glad you have decided to keep on blogging!!
    Katy

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  2. #3 was my favorite, because we all know that you are a survivor. Glad to hear you roar again, and boy did I miss a couple of days worth of thought here uin your world! I think the more you write, the more you learn. Not just about other things, but more importantly you learn about yourself.

    I am with you about the whole transaction thing. I do not see it that way, although I can understand why some do see it that way. In my first adoption, my chosen parents had to pay twice because for the first 7.5 months I had a lawyer, not an agency. I do not blame the agency, I blame the State of Missouri for that one. They were not kind to birth mothers in the late 80's. So for a while I did kind of understand what that meant, it being a business.

    As a birth mother, I think it is rude to call it a business because it is very personal for so many people. But, like you have pointed out everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

    Just in case you did not know, I am glad that I am on the Good Stalker List. HA!

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  3. After her "An adoption is a business transaction." comment all I could think was exactly what you said - "Oh thank GOD she's not adopting anymore."

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    Replies
    1. were there is money involved there is a transaction taking place. Every decision in life involves emotion.
      alls I really meant to say was yes, now that you mention it, what child wants to hold up the receipt & say, look, I belong here is my receipt.

      Delete
  4. Well, good for your for keeping up with using your blog to share your thoughts and feelings. Sometimes it's the negatives in life that we need to hear, to propell us forward into places we wouldn't have gone otherwise.

    While I don't agree at all with the anonymous poster, I think she gave you information that fueled a fire that maybe needed some fuel. She reignited your passion and feelings about adoption.

    Your words do matter, and you said it best when you said that without a crisis pregnancy, the would be no adoption.

    Good for you for being so open and honest, and for keeping up with your incredible blog!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree, I have a huge saved list of comments I have made cause I do not want to put my head on the chopping block, but came so close to doing so. Kudos to you. To all. I am learning.

      Delete
  5. To the anonymous commenter: You spelled child trafficking incorrectly. For some reason you spelled it a-d-o-p-t-i-o-n. You were way off! But now I totally see why many first parents and adoptees consider adoption and child trafficking to be the same thing. You single handedly reduced adoptees to nothing but a commodity and first parents to the equivalent of people just trying to sell their x-box 360 online.

    ~ Jill (an AP)

    p.s. Michelle, I love that you said "crack whore" in a room full of LDS members! I'm LDS and saying a similar shocking phrase in a room fully of my fellow mo-mo's is totally on my bucket list!

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  6. I just want to say that when I feel like I am at the bottom and I can't believe how much pain I have being a birthmother who is not "allowed" to meet my daughter or be involved her life, I go to Heart Cries blog. http://rebekahpinchback.blogspot.com/ Rebekah is the model of a beautiful woman, and mother. She is also an adoptive mother who recognizes the special place that a birthmother should have in a child's life. And she lives that belief by example. I wish every adoptive mother would be able to act with the grace and compassion that Rebekah has. She acknowledges the pain and complexity of adoption, but appreciates it for the beauty that it is. She lives by the philosophy that a child cannot be loved by too many people. Thank God for adoptive mothers like Rebekah. And I hope her message of love and peace with her role as her son's mother would influence others who are also adoptive mothers. She shows how adoption can be a win-win for everyone.

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  7. I'll follow-up to my angry comment on the previous post. I can see how adoption seems like a business in the sense that monies are transferred between agencies, attornies, and everyone involved; however, that clearly (IMO) wasn't what Anon was referring to at all. I sincerely hope she follows her word and does not return to your blog. Whether or not I, or anyone else, agree to everything you say, does not lessen your thoughts and your opinions. They are YOUR feelings, and you have a right to them, just as I have a right to want to bitch-slap that woman. Love you.

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  8. "ANONYMOUS" and her viewpoint are a load of manure!!!! I am so glad that my daughter's parents aren't like that woman. I am so glad that this woman is pregnant because I hope to God that she is never allowed to adopt. She doesn't deserve to adopt. The Baby Scoop Era is alive and well thanks to opinions like hers. A child is not a commodity! Adoption is NOT a business transaction! I wonder if "Anonymous" will sing a different tune if she ever turns to adoption and finds a world of prospective birthparents who insist on only the most open of adoptions as a way for her to parent a child. I am going to say a prayer for her right now, because she certainly needs it.

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  9. i dont have a whole lot to say other than realizing with assuredness that every other business transaction ive ever witnessed or participated in, ive either gotten money or an item, whether it be tangible edible or biodegradable etc, and with this 'one' i seem to have gotten screwed as i ended up 4 grand in the hole and with nothing tangible edible or biodegradable etc in my possession when i left placement. i dont want a re-do, but def needed to publicly acknowledge how UN business like this particular transaction was.

    and yet id do it over again every single day for the rest of my life if i had to, to ensure my sons happiness and safety in this lifetime. i guess that makes me a shitty business woman, business is about profit, and i certainly didnt... or did i? maybe my sons happiness and safety is more profit than i could ever fathom? which means ... I WIN, I COME OUT ON TOP in this business transaction! maybe i will blog about this myself.... hmmmmm

    thanks for getting the juices flowing michelle xoxoxo

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  10. Thank you, thank you for blogging again. I was extremely disheartened to read anon's comment on the last post. I too am thankful she is not adopting and hope she never does unless she changes her attitude. My son is adopted and I assure you, it was NOTHING like a business transaction. His Birthmom wanted a closed adoption and we told her that should she change her mind, we would LOVE to have her in our lives. Guess what, she changed her mind and we are thankful every day that she did. We talk once a week or more and send pictures, updates, cute stories about that often also.Our son will grow up knowing his story and that we all just want whats best for him. Open adoption isn't scary, it's wonderful.

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    Replies
    1. Glad for you!
      I am a birth father, reunited six months ago. Blessed. 29 yrs of silence. Now the adoptive mother wants to be thought of as a grandma to my other natural kid's kids whom I have raised. I am glad for that too. Just wish she had figured that out sooner. She still thinks its her daughter's search, ugh. Denial is certainly a coping mechanisim. I would love to know how you managed to talk in a closed adoption. Also the convincing points that made them (she)come around. The courage my daughter had to show, to find me, the chance at rejection (abandoment again), risking disloyality to her parents, she said her parented mom helped her in the search....exploded when she found her birth mom, so that stalled the search for me 4yrs.(I am guessing here that added to it) heavy sigh...So much lost along the way, so much that could have enriched all of our lives. Good decision ap mom, took away the business transaction & went for the enriched family.

      Delete
  11. It seems to me that yes, the AP's saw this as a business agreement. They used you and discarded you. You provided them with a service and they used what they could to get your baby.
    It sounds to me like they used the book "Fast Track Adoptions". They told you what you wanted to hear until the papers were signed and they didn't have to anymore.
    With that said, you do have your own culpability in this. You based the relinquishment of your child on a fictional movie written by a woman who has no link whatsoever to adoption. You chose to use Craiglist to make your adoption plan based on what you saw in that movie. You chose this situation and it sounds like no one could talk you out of doing this your way.
    And you were duped.
    I am sorry for the pain you are going through in losing your child. I hope that someday the AP's will show you compassion.
    If anything, I hope people will see your blog and see the need for regulated ethics in adoption.
    It is really a shame that things are the way they are.
    I'm really very sorry for you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. yea fast tracking....
      quick take the deal before she changes her mind.....
      my daughter's story the same what was to be open instantly slammed shut the moment the baby was secured. That was provided by dshs. shattered lives & generations that followed. well nobodys perfect. would'nt ethics be great if they could be regulated? Like you say but I hope the ap comes around sooner than later.

      Delete
  12. My only thought is an echo of many others - I'm soooo thankful anon is pregnant! I hope she NEVER adopts with that point of view. Sad. Glad you're back, Michelle!

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  13. I just wanted to stop in and say thank you so much for your comment. I really appreciated the input ;) After this whole thing though I have decided to start password protecting my blog. I didn't want to do it...I'm so bummed. I feel like my voice is gone...it sucks. Anyway, thanks for the comment and I look forward to following along with you!

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  14. I think it's sad that so many people in our world cannot see adoption for what it truly is. An incredibly selfless act of love. It is in no way a business transaction. Good for you for not letting this anonymous commenter deter you from blogging. I hope she never gets to be part of the amazing world of adoption!

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    Replies
    1. Incredible act indeed, more like an act of desperation, to wit the vunerable are taken advantage of.

      Delete
  15. As an adoptee I thought terrible terrible things I dare not speak allowed when I read the Anon's comment! I will pray for that poor child she's about to bring into this world in hopes that they will not be blinded by an idiot mother! Welcome back I love your blog

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  16. WOW! This is my first time to your blog and it is amazing. I am a new adoptive parent in the future making (not matched yet). I just have to say I am BLOWN away by the comment that Anon posted. There is a reason she is pregnant and not on the path of adoption! I am in complete shock that someone sooooo uneducated and selfish would be thinking of adoption. You are amazing in so many ways Michelle for all you have been through and all you have given your child, don't forget this! By the way, I LOVE YOUR ticker! ;)

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  17. To anon, remind yourself that you think of adoption as a business transaction while you are giving birth and praying your doctor doesn't view you and the life you are carrying as nothing more than a nice dinner out with the family.

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  18. Just came across your blog. Thanks so much for sharing your perspective. As an adoptive mother I really appreciate hearing the views of birthmothers. I am also so thankful that the anonymous poster will not be adopting.

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  19. i once got a facebook message that this reminded me of. i had just placed my son and i'd written a few depressed updates, about how i'd never regretted anything so much in my life and i couldn't forgive myself. this guy messaged me saying "your updates make me sad to read. you shouldn't regret it. you did the right thing and you made those people very happy." wtf? how dare you tell me i did the right thing, and it's really no consolation to me that they're so happy. his message was well-meaning, but people need to learn to keep their mouths shut when they don't know what they're talking about!

    you are one tough lady to keep your head up and continue blogging though. i admire you.

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Comment moderation is off. Too much power in my hands. Feel free to speak your mind.