So...my last post seemed to really get people fired up.
I wrote about the blessing/curse of Statcounter, my favorite blog stalkers, and how I was trying to get over stalking what my stalkers were doing. Just me venting a frustration on a blog thats purpose is for me to vent my frustrations. Nothing new. It was the comments that really took me by surprise. No matter what side of the fence they were on, a lot of people REALLY got pissed. At me, at them, at whatever. It's America...we have freedom of speech, and so I posted each comment-one by one. Even the one that stung. The one that made me cry. The one that made me think. The one that rebutted that one. The one after that. And on and on. And you know what I decided? I don't want to moderate comments anymore. It's your world people...speak your mind. It's too much power in my little hands. I don't want to be in the postion to referee. I just want to hear people's perspectives. I don't ever comment back when people leave their thoughts because I don't want to A.) Start a comment war, or B.) influence another's raw opinion. It doesn't mean I don't love each and every comment...but I always feel like I threw my views out in the post...the comments are for others. Just in case you were wondering....
I also removed StatCounter from the blog. It seems like the only healthy way to continue blogging. I can't worry about who is reading what. Or why. I just want to blog. And guess what...I have a quote for it...
"He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. For if you gaze too long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you." - Friedrich Nietzsche.
That's how I feel about StatCounter. The abyss was not only gazing...it was drowning me. Swallowing me. And I couldn't do it anymore. So it's gone.
Now what does that have to do with Adoption being a business transaction??? The answer is nothing. I just needed to get that off my chest. Moving on now....
So back to the business of it all. The comment that started the uproar is the feature of this post. Apparently, this reader held very strong views of me and how I am proceeding on my adoption journey. I am featuring it here...not to trash their opinion...not to agree or disagree with their point as a whole, but merely to share another person's view of adoption...one that I especially do not agree with. Here goes.....
I have spent the afternoon reading your blog. After years of fertility problems I became pregnant. Then I lost the baby to an incompetent cervix. Now I'm fortunately pregnant again. My husband and I have contemplated adoption. I hear your pain, and it frustrates me. You made a solid decision to put your child up for adoption. Your decision has blessed M and L so much with this gift. Now you need to let them form their family and leave them alone. Please stay in counseling. You chose a closed adoption, so accept your decision. Your husband has and I hope you will too in time. You need to focus on your other children and take comfort that the youngest is being well taken care of by her loving parents. Stop being selfish and focus on your other kids' futures.
An adoption is a business transaction. You need to realize that except for the baby, you and M and L would have probably never had met in real life and were even less likely to be friends. It's over with and has been so for 1 year and 9 months and 6 days. Move on. Start by taking that ticker off of the top of your blog.
The baby is fine with her loving mommy and daddy. They will always appreciate you for your loving gift. The baby may seek you out one day when she is grown, and if she does that will be her choice.
After reading your blog, I honestly understand why so many potential adoptive parents prefer a closed adoption or an international adoption. I am glad you have this blog as it gives you a creative outlet. Take that creativity and expand your horizons. Please look toward your future. You are in my prayers. "
Her opinion is no more or less important than anyone else's. As a mother myself, I feel sadness and sorrow for the child she lost. And I will say nothing negative about the child she and her husband are about to bring into this world. I will say, however, for the sake of the child they contemplated adopting, and for the sake of that child's mother that I am VERY glad they are "fortunately pregnant" again. I wish them the best with their future biological children. And I am happy that while this is a very passive aggressive comment, at least she will be including me in her prayers. That I got her thinking, just as she got me thinking. In all honesty, there are a few things she said that really hit home. There are a few things the other commenters said that did as well. I won't say that this Anonymous commenter is right or wrong as a whole. But I do want to say a few quick things.
1. Adoption (for me) was NOT a business transaction. Lauren did not have a UPC barcode on her butt when she was born. I was not handed a receipt, and I most CERTAINLY was not informed of any return policy. I do think that Adoption can be a lucrative business (especially for agencies), but when contemplating adoption...when choosing adoption...and while being forced to live with the fallout from this adoption...I never once thought of it as a business transaction. If anything, I would have sold my soul to not be in the position to place her with anyone other than us.
2. Children are not gifts. Lauren was also not born with a big red bow on her head. I didn't create her in order to give as a gift to some upper middle class white woman so she would feel better about her own infertility. I am sure she will provide her parents with many gifts in the future (I know mine do), but she herself was NOT a gift. She was a baby. She is a person.
3. I love my ticker, and I will NEVER remove it. Every day that passes I am able to be glad I survived another day.
4. At an adoption conference I attended (Yes the one where I spit out the phrase "Crack Whore" amongst a room full of shocked LDS Members) an adoptee stood up and tried very hard to make it a point that Adoptive Parents NOT WAIT until the child is an adult to tell them their adoption story. To anyone considering adoption, please look into this prior to adopting. I am obviously not an adoptee, so I can't speak from firsthand experience on what is right or wrong. I am simply saying educate yourself.
5. If Lauren seeks me out or not, it will be her choice. Based on her desires, not what was taught to her, or told to her. Taryn is living proof that children will come to their own conclusions about how they feel regarding their stories. Brainwashing doesn't work. DNA is thicker than an ammended birth certificate. But above all, even if she doesn't...it'll be her choice.
6. Last but not least...here's some free life advice in regards to adoption. This line irritated me almost more than any other...You need to realize that except for the baby, you and M and L would have probably never had met in real life and were even less likely to be friends. When I read this, I couldn't help but think, "Is this what THEY think?" Her statement was full of truth...except for saying I "didn't realize" this. To everyone reading...I FULLY REALIZE THIS. For the record, I didn't need any new friends. I didn't get pregnant to make new friends. In fact, the adoption killed the majority of the friendships I had prior. And it built me some of the most amazing ones ever after the fact. I have no doubt they try to be the best parents they can be, but rest assured that I don't view them as such amazing people that my life would have never been complete if we hadn't faked friendship for seven months. And on top of that...I hope they realize that except for me, and my lack of education, my own ignorance, and my poor decision...they would have never been parents. I hope EVERY potential adoptive parent that feels the way this commenter does about birthmothers realizes that simple truth...no crisis pregnancy=no paper pregnancy.
So that's all for now. I am worn out.
Any thoughts? Feel free to comment....the moderation is off! :)