Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Silence is Golden, But Duct Tape is Silver.
I have been asked a lot lately where I've been, what I've been doing, if I am OK, and more so than all the others combined...when am I planning on blogging again. On Facebook, on Formspring, via text, via phone, via whatever. The simple answer would be to say that I was busy with the holidays, both personally and professionally.
But the reality of where I am is a lot more complex. I am here...but not really. I have plenty to say, but not at this time. I want to scream in outrage at a lot of things that are happening in my life, or with adoption in general. I want to celebrate some of the amazing things that have happened as well. About my New Year's Epiphany of the gifts each of my children have brought to me. Of the ridiculous Mother and Child movie I watched seven times last week. Of the AMAZING book LifeGivers that Kelsey recommended that provided so much wisdom and clarity.
But my voice is silent. I open my mouth to speak, and nothing comes out. I sit down to type, and my fingers refuse to move.
Those of you that truly know me, know what a crazy notion that is. I never run out of things to say. Silence makes me more uncomfortable than any other action on the planet. I will talk about nothing for hours at a time just to avoid the silence. But now it surrounds me, envelopes me, and prevents me from venting, educating, or blogging. Why? The answer is simple.
THEY have found the blog. They being L* and M*.
They know what I think. They know how I feel. They are aware of the ache that almost ripped my family to shreds. They have known since July, right after they refused the help of a friend who lives in a successful open adoption. And it is apparent that nothing I ever say or do will sway them to see things from this side of the fence.
Stat Counter is a funny thing. With just a little bit of information, I can tell who looks at what, when they look, and how long they stay. For example, I could have told you what time Lauren naps from their viewing patterns, long before they ever shared that information with me. I know when they vacation or at least take a five day haitus from reading. I know that when one of you makes a pretty blunt comment on a post that they go and check out your information. And then check the blog for follow-up comments, over and over and over again.
At first it didn't bother me. I blogged away, thankful for the therapy that it provided. Thankful for the other perspectives it brought into my life. Hoping maybe something would make them stop and think twice about their actions or lack thereof. Happy to hear once in awhile that something I wrote persuaded another set of adoptive parents to not treat their birthmother as I had been treated. Proud to be featured or to guest blog on another site because of the views of my own. But then it changed. It started to eat at me. It began to bother me and that bother began to turn into hatred. Hatred turns into vengeance. Vengeance turns into something evil...something in the opposite direction of the forgiveness I am seeking, towards them, and more importantly for myself. (I will be using that all year Von...Thank you!!!)
In trying to maintain my daily life outside of the black cloud of adoption, I cancelled memberships at several adoption sites. I backed away from spending my evenings on the computer seeking answers to questions that had none. I spent time with my amazing family and rediscovered how much I love being their Mom. I patched things completely with Taryn, who coincidentally may be moving back with me VERY soon. (So much for the brainwashing...lol) Life was good. My grief and my pain surrounding my personal adoption experience had not found closure, but it had finally found containment. But soon enough I found myself checking StatCounter more and more frequently, until it became an obsession of its own. The worst times were when they and I would be on the blog at the same time. Ahhh...if only I were telekinetic, more than one screen would have blown up in their faces. Instead, I simply printed all the stat counter reports, and placed them in my Pandora's Box...one more thing to show Lauren in later years that I tried to be somewhat involved, in some small way, and it was they who refused.
My irritation didn't fully boil over until Christmas. I enjoyed the entire day with my family, and avoided the computer. That evening, long after my kids were in bed, I checked my special email box, thinking that there was no way in the world they could be heartless enough to ignore that day. That even if they wrote nothing to me, that human decency would not allow them to neglect sending a picture. I know they set up a stupid schedule, but really....who can ignore Christmas? But the inbox sat empty. Nothing was sent. But there, in my Statcounter report...their IP address...what they looked at, and for how long. Enraged doesn't begin to describe where I was. How could they take the time on Christmas to blog stalk, but not send a picture? I vented briefly, cried a few tears, and then swore to not let this set me back. After all...the blog is technically public, anyone can view it, and so I shouldn't be upset that they were on it...at least, that was the "please don't freak out" feedback that was given to me. If I wanted to continue to use it as therapy, I could make it a private blog, send out email invites, and just go from there. But I don't want to do that. Private blogs are a pain in the butt, and I would be sad if someone missed out on a random bit of usefulness I wrote. But I cannot use it for therapy anymore, since they read it. Welcome to yet another rock and a hard place. They took my trust, they took my love, they have Lauren....but now I feel they have taken the one thing I have left...my blog.
Technically public.....what an interesting concept. Really, when you think about it, it's crazy. And lots and lots and lots of information is technically public. Names, addresses, phone numbers, relatives, Facebook pages, Traffic Tickets...the list goes on and on. But there are still boundaries in this life. Invisible lines we aren't supposed to cross. The blog is mine. Their "privacy" is theirs.
I wondered for a long time how they would feel if I did a whole post on the public information I have on them. The completely public information ANYONE could accquire on them. All of the things they purposely didn't share with me, but were found in a matter of minutes and only a few clicks. I know from personal experience, some of you would love that information, if only to share a piece of your minds. Technically public right? Of how they would feel if I gave that information out and then sat in my living room laughing at the mess it would make, just as I envisioned them laughing at me on Christmas Day.
Instead, I did nothing. I just stopped blogging. It is empty...it is souless...and it is tainted, like everything else in this experience has turned out to be. And I have other things to worry about.
Thank GOD for personal growth. Vengeance is not mine....forgiveness can be.