Welcome to the craziness that is my life!

This is my story in pieces. The good ones, the bad ones, and everything in between. It is messy and flawed...just like it's author. I am not a selfliss person...I am not an angel...I am a loud, opinionated, most of the time crazy, Mom. I write here the things I cannot discuss in my "day to day life". These views are my own, from my own journey. Adoption has changed my life forever, some for good, some not so good. If you don't agree with me, that's fine. It's not your story...it's mine. Consider it a manual on "How Not To Act/What Not To Do When You Are Pregnant and Considering Adoption". If you learn nothing else, learn to educate yourself to the long term affects on yourself, your family, and the child you chose to place.

Oh...and please, don't call me "bitter". I prefer the term "enlightened".


***DISCLAIMER-I don't speak for anyone but me...in this story or in life. It is here as an educational tool if anyone chooses to learn something. I appreciate comments always.***

P.S. Just because I don't actively blog doesn't mean I still don't LOVE comments. Yes, I still check them. I guess I would just rather hear YOUR thoughts, than share mine.

If you missed the story, start reading the "Posts of Some Significance" located directly underneath and to the right of this. That's the story in a nutshell.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Silence is Golden, But Duct Tape is Silver.




I have been asked a lot lately where I've been, what I've been doing, if I am OK, and more so than all the others combined...when am I planning on blogging again. On Facebook, on Formspring, via text, via phone, via whatever. The simple answer would be to say that I was busy with the holidays, both personally and professionally.

But the reality of where I am is a lot more complex. I am here...but not really. I have plenty to say, but not at this time. I want to scream in outrage at a lot of things that are happening in my life, or with adoption in general. I want to celebrate some of the amazing things that have happened as well. About my New Year's Epiphany of the gifts each of my children have brought to me. Of the ridiculous Mother and Child movie I watched seven times last week. Of the AMAZING book LifeGivers that Kelsey recommended that provided so much wisdom and clarity.

But my voice is silent. I open my mouth to speak, and nothing comes out. I sit down to type, and my fingers refuse to move.

Those of you that truly know me, know what a crazy notion that is. I never run out of things to say. Silence makes me more uncomfortable than any other action on the planet. I will talk about nothing for hours at a time just to avoid the silence. But now it surrounds me, envelopes me, and prevents me from venting, educating, or blogging. Why? The answer is simple.

THEY have found the blog. They being L* and M*.

They know what I think. They know how I feel. They are aware of the ache that almost ripped my family to shreds. They have known since July, right after they refused the help of a friend who lives in a successful open adoption. And it is apparent that nothing I ever say or do will sway them to see things from this side of the fence.

Stat Counter is a funny thing. With just a little bit of information, I can tell who looks at what, when they look, and how long they stay. For example, I could have told you what time Lauren naps from their viewing patterns, long before they ever shared that information with me. I know when they vacation or at least take a five day haitus from reading. I know that when one of you makes a pretty blunt comment on a post that they go and check out your information. And then check the blog for follow-up comments, over and over and over again.

At first it didn't bother me. I blogged away, thankful for the therapy that it provided. Thankful for the other perspectives it brought into my life. Hoping maybe something would make them stop and think twice about their actions or lack thereof. Happy to hear once in awhile that something I wrote persuaded another set of adoptive parents to not treat their birthmother as I had been treated. Proud to be featured or to guest blog on another site because of the views of my own. But then it changed. It started to eat at me. It began to bother me and that bother began to turn into hatred. Hatred turns into vengeance. Vengeance turns into something evil...something in the opposite direction of the forgiveness I am seeking, towards them, and more importantly for myself. (I will be using that all year Von...Thank you!!!)

In trying to maintain my daily life outside of the black cloud of adoption, I cancelled memberships at several adoption sites. I backed away from spending my evenings on the computer seeking answers to questions that had none. I spent time with my amazing family and rediscovered how much I love being their Mom. I patched things completely with Taryn, who coincidentally may be moving back with me VERY soon. (So much for the brainwashing...lol) Life was good. My grief and my pain surrounding my personal adoption experience had not found closure, but it had finally found containment. But soon enough I found myself checking StatCounter more and more frequently, until it became an obsession of its own. The worst times were when they and I would be on the blog at the same time. Ahhh...if only I were telekinetic, more than one screen would have blown up in their faces. Instead, I simply printed all the stat counter reports, and placed them in my Pandora's Box...one more thing to show Lauren in later years that I tried to be somewhat involved, in some small way, and it was they who refused.

My irritation didn't fully boil over until Christmas. I enjoyed the entire day with my family, and avoided the computer. That evening, long after my kids were in bed, I checked my special email box, thinking that there was no way in the world they could be heartless enough to ignore that day. That even if they wrote nothing to me, that human decency would not allow them to neglect sending a picture. I know they set up a stupid schedule, but really....who can ignore Christmas? But the inbox sat empty. Nothing was sent. But there, in my Statcounter report...their IP address...what they looked at, and for how long. Enraged doesn't begin to describe where I was. How could they take the time on Christmas to blog stalk, but not send a picture? I vented briefly, cried a few tears, and then swore to not let this set me back. After all...the blog is technically public, anyone can view it, and so I shouldn't be upset that they were on it...at least, that was the "please don't freak out" feedback that was given to me. If I wanted to continue to use it as therapy, I could make it a private blog, send out email invites, and just go from there. But I don't want to do that. Private blogs are a pain in the butt, and I would be sad if someone missed out on a random bit of usefulness I wrote. But I cannot use it for therapy anymore, since they read it. Welcome to yet another rock and a hard place. They took my trust, they took my love, they have Lauren....but now I feel they have taken the one thing I have left...my blog.

Technically public.....what an interesting concept. Really, when you think about it, it's crazy. And lots and lots and lots of information is technically public. Names, addresses, phone numbers, relatives, Facebook pages, Traffic Tickets...the list goes on and on. But there are still boundaries in this life. Invisible lines we aren't supposed to cross. The blog is mine. Their "privacy" is theirs.

I wondered for a long time how they would feel if I did a whole post on the public information I have on them. The completely public information ANYONE could accquire on them. All of the things they purposely didn't share with me, but were found in a matter of minutes and only a few clicks. I know from personal experience, some of you would love that information, if only to share a piece of your minds. Technically public right? Of how they would feel if I gave that information out and then sat in my living room laughing at the mess it would make, just as I envisioned them laughing at me on Christmas Day.

Instead, I did nothing. I just stopped blogging. It is empty...it is souless...and it is tainted, like everything else in this experience has turned out to be. And I have other things to worry about.

Thank GOD for personal growth. Vengeance is not mine....forgiveness can be.

30 comments:

  1. I am so sorry that these selfish, short sited people have taken so much from you. If you ever do make the blog private please let me know. You have an important voice and it's sad to think that these people feel entitled not only to keep you from your daughter but to invade your space and silence you...
    You are in my thoughts
    Katy

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  2. I just started following your blog a little while back. I did go back and read your old posts though. As a mother of a child who is adopted and cannot have contact due to it being an international adoption, I am so saddened by this all.

    L and M are making the biggest mistake of their lives and if they think for one minute Lauren won't find this out one day and be upset to the point that she questions their relationship to her, they are highly mistaken.

    The good news is it is not too late now. Lauren is a baby and will never know the difference. They can reverse the damage that has been done. I sincerely hope they do so.

    They don't owe it to you or themselves. THEY OWE IT TO LAUREN.


    Hugs to you Mrs. Perrbear. I hope L and M realize that you are not a threat. You are just a parent like they are and you want what is best for your child, BOTH sets of parents.

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  3. And today I kick myself for not calling you. It's funny because I started thinking about you at exactly the time it says you posted this. Hmm, I should have called to remind you that I love you. I admire you for sharing your epiphanies, and I'm SOOOOOO happy to hear about you and Taryn. That just made my day.

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  4. FYI, your post title made me laugh out loud! BEST. TITLE. EVER.

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  5. hence why i have a private blog!
    yes no one reads it, but no one 'needs' to, what needs to be done is the writing part, so i do. and sometimes i go back and reread what i wrote, and that is wonderfully healing. the writings helped me to be where i am- im happy and at peace, and i hope every day that SOON you will allow yourself to be as well! xoxo

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  6. I'm so sorry you've lost your safe space, your place to share and receive support. I hope it can be restored someday.

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  7. So sorry to hear this and that these people are so obsessed and misguided..pop over and visit my blog and profile, please do L&M, but expect you already have.You have to know insecure, obsessive behaviour such as this is rather strange and why don't you get on with your lives?
    Michelle, go private for a while, we'll stick with you, break the cycle and stop the craziness. Von

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  8. I'm very very sorry.
    If you do go private, I hope I get an invite. Sometimes I feel like you are taking my thoughts,and somehow figuring out how to make sense out of them on this blog.

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  9. SO very happy about Taryn!!
    L and M since you are reading this, I offered to be there if you wanted to try and navigate a more open adoption and the offer still stands. I know it's unknown to you, but it is so worth it, so amazing for Lauren. Reach out if you want to, I'm here.
    Michelle~ Don't let ANYONE ever silence you! All of what you have to say and who you are is who Lauren will be proud of, who all of your children will be proud of. <3 you

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  10. WOW.....it is incomprehensible that they would not put their daughter FIRST and want to maintain a relationship with you, her birthmother. Your blog has been a big source of perspective and support as I navigate my own adoption journey. I'm so sorry. Your daughter will know the truth. I am praying for their hearts to open and understand the importance of OPEN ADOPTION.

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  11. Just for the record as a BM I just want to say that they are effing dispicable!!!! Not even a "we're thinking of you and the scrafices youve made" email. A**holes...and I hope they effing read this. I have a simular situation with my A-parents although it was mostly her and her supported his wife...when they divorced and he took the kids the communication opened back up and he said he was truely sorry for everything...it dosent change the past but it certianly makes for a better future. Youve given them every opportunity to talk with you share with you. How could it hurt for Lauren to know that ALL of you LOVE her. After all this isnt about THEM its about this child that they supossedly love. I guess they didnt know that you are supossed to be selfless and put your child first, not selfish.

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  12. My daughter was born on Christmas,and placed for adoption 4days later.For the first 5years of her life I received my yearly update.Then I married and it stopped.It has been 6years since I last heard from them.They moved and left the adoption agency no return address.I have 2 children at home now and am always heartbroken when I don't receive my updates.Anyway your blog has been my therapy,if you do go private I'd appreciate an invite .Hang in there
    sengstrom4 at gmail dot com thanks

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  13. I'm Not sorry!!! I'M PISSED OFF. GRRR! please, L& M blog stalk me away. What you may never understand is that you are doing a disservice to Lauren by not letting her have a relationship with her birth mother.
    Does that mean that all your actions before Lauren was born were fake or all lies and deceptions?
    Michelle- Maybe a good post would be: to feature a few links to OPEN ADOPTION SUCCESSES so, L & M and everyone else can see what beauty has sprung from these special relationships. You are welcome to feature mine as well. We are 5 years out and will never close our adoption or change things with openness... And we hope for the same in our next placement!
    Rock On, strong lady!!!

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  14. You don't know me, but I have been following your blog for a while. I'm a new adoptive mom with an open adoption and was looking for a perspective from a birth mom, so I could be more open with our son's birth mom.

    I am so sad to read that the one thing that you have... is gone. Your ability to share your thoughts and openly tell your story is amazing. Please try to stay positive and know that there are so many people that you don't even know, that are cheering for you and praying that you find the strength to keep writing. Don't let them take anything more from you.

    I think you should keep writing and be as honest as you always are. THEY are the ones who should feel sick by their actions... not you.

    Again, so sorry to hear about this, but I'm still pulling for you and think you'll come out on top in the end!!!

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  15. Love you, Michelle!!! I have missed you, but now understand why you have been away. Love and hugs and prayers!!

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  16. Sorry to read this but you know I'm always grateful for your perspective. I know that each of us as adoptive parents has our own thoughts, opinions, fears. I wish they would take M up on her offer... Wishing you some peace and healing, my friend. I know it's hard to come by. <3

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  17. Dear Michelle,

    I have spent the afternoon reading your blog. After years of fertility problems I became pregnant. Then I lost the baby to an incompetent cervix. Now I'm fortunately pregnant again. My husband and I have contemplated adoption. I hear your pain, and it frustrates me. You made a solid decision to put your child up for adoption. Your decision has blessed M and L so much with this gift. Now you need to let them form their family and leave them alone. Please stay in counseling. You chose a closed adoption, so accept your decision. Your husband has and I hope you will too in time. You need to focus on your other children and take comfort that the youngest is being well taken care of by her loving parents. Stop being selfish and focus on your other kids' futures.

    An adoption is a business transaction. You need to realize that except for the baby, you and M and L would have probably never had met in real life and were even less likely to be friends. It's over with and has been so for 1 year and 9 months and 6 days. Move on. Start by taking that ticker off of the top of your blog.

    The baby is fine with her loving mommy and daddy. They will always appreciate you for your loving gift. The baby may seek you out one day when she is grown, and if she does that will be her choice.

    After reading your blog, I honestly understand why so many potential adoptive parents prefer a closed adoption or an international adoption. I am glad you have this blog as it gives you a creative outlet. Take that creativity and expand your horizons. Please look toward your future. You are in my prayers.

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  18. WOW...what a comment! I have read this blog for awhile now, and found this is a great one for so many different reasons. Then I read a comment that is a complete waste of time to even write. This person talks from her ASS. She has no children, never even given birth to child, not an adoptee, and not someone who has even adopted. This person knows nothing of what she is talking about. Or the pain that Michelle's obviously in. I have always liked the different opinions here, but what she said is assinine, "Adoption is a business..." That is the most idiotic thing I have ever heard. To the lady that doesn't know shit...go live life, and comment on stuff you might have a clue about...what a joke!

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  19. I have been in the presence of adoption several times, and have seen both sides of this story. To make a comment like that, to openly say that "you can see why" people would chose a closed adoption or foriegn adoption is absurd. The idea that a child NOT bringing two families together is the absurd idea. Love is not created by a sales transaction. Love is created through the bond of a mother and her child. REGARDLESS of who raises said child. To not be able to understand the hurt and miscalculations of this adoption shows you have no idea what it is to truly lose anything. This is Michelles attempt to grieve and allow others with the similar situation to do so. YES there are people out there who gave up their child and never looked back. SO? Acting as if Michelle or any other birth mother should do the same is ridiculous. Pain is a real emotion. Regret, real emotion. Knowing that somewhere there is a part of you that you will never see, touch, smell or hold is a pain that I will never understand. And everyday that I see Michelle and the hurt and sadness in her eyes kills me. I pray that you find empathy and sympathy for others. But, leave Michelle and her struggle alone. Instead of taking pills, going to a counselor, or showing up for what was once hers, she chooses this healthy outlet. You chose to read her blog. Either you can sit there and keep reading, or you can walk away. The point is, now seeing her side, and seeing the pain caused by misunderstanding the situation she was in, some where in you, something should have clicked in your head to make you understand that humans are humans no matter what. And Mommy and Daddy? Well. they did what they had to do too. And it was hurtful and it was sad. I pray that they do understand that the baby they hold is a gift. And not a pair of fucking shoes from Steve Madden.

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  20. Just for clarification, my daughter was born at 23 weeks due to an incompetent cervix. She died three days later. There is no way to explain the pain of losing a child, even one who lived for only a short time. By the way, I was adopted at age 12 after being in foster care for six years. I never knew my dad and my mom lost custody of me and my sister because of her alcoholism. It was a great gift to be fortunate enough to be adopted at such a late age. I thank my "first mom" for giving me life and I thank my "second mom" for loving me enough to make me part of her life. I shall not visit the blog anymore.

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  21. Anonymous - Please NEVER adopt. If you think adoption is a business transaction then you have no business adopting. I am quite sickened by your comment. And I do believe at first she wanted a closed adoption but the terms changed a little before the baby was born. If they were not comfortable with what was wanted, like pictures, updates, and contact, they should have NEVER proceeded with the adoption of Lauren.

    One thing I wish is that adoptive parents wouldn't be so desperate for a baby that they agree to anything. You have to know that the agreement is with a person whom without you would not have the child therefore you should honor your word. Michelle isn't a mortgage broker here and Lauren isn't a house. This is a mother and child and feelings are involved.

    If adoptive parents want a closed adoption that is their decision but to me the minute Michelle mentioned wanting updates or contact they should have either agreed and kept their word or not adopted the child period.

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  22. So much anger and pain here from commentors which is probably not that helpful to Michelle in coming to terms with what has happened to her family.How about support or kindness or no comment?

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  23. "An adoption is a business transaction."

    You make me want to puke lady.

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  24. Adoption is a business transaction??? Holy shit. I don't even know what to say to that. "Go to hell" comes to mind, but that's just my anger speaking. Maybe I should wait to comment, but you know me and my big mouth....

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  25. wow adoption is a business transaction? A child is a business transaction? Anyone who knows MIchelle and read through her blog knows that she did not choose a closed adoption. A person who believes that a child is a business transaction has no business being a parent, period, adoption or biological. I'm confident that that anoymous person who didn't have the guts to leave her name is on this blog since she is the kind of person just like L and M who will stalk it just because she can. God help any children that are in her life.

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  26. I'm a pretty peaceful person, but Anonymous (who must be L or M or someone related/attached to them), get down off your high and mighty perch so I can kick the crap out of you. And sorry if the door knocks ya down on your way out...bwahahaha... no, I'm not really sorry. We won't miss you. Your "clarification" gives you no more right to be giving advise to a woman in pain (and who is TRYING to heal through this blog) than a lizard. Adoption is a business transaction.... I'm sorry. You most definitely do NOT understand adoption. Angie, Von, Heather, well said.

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  27. I am a 36 year old adoptee, and I have another perspective to offer L and M. I am a product of an antiquated closed adoption from an adoption agency, and I was adopted by the two greatest parents a girl could ever ask for. They never hid my adoption from me, I don't remember not knowing, and they freely shared any and all information, albeit not a lot, they had regarding my birth family. Shockingly, for me, my circumstances MIRROR MrsPerrbear's. My birth parents had three older children, and could not afford another child when they found out they were pregnant with me. My parents had been trying to have children for 10 years when they received the phone call that a baby girl was waiting for them in Illinois. They have always made it clear to me that they would support me, and even pay for, a search for my birth family.

    Here is the part I want you to hear, L and M. I really hope you read this. I have never taken my parents up on this offer. I have never searched for myself behind their backs. They are my parents, my brothers are my brothers, and I came to the conclusion years ago that MY heart was complete without knowing them. Why was I able to come to that decision when the media would make it look like every adoptee is on a mad search to find the "missing link" that will make him or her whole? It is simply because my parents were honest with me, always, because they allowed me to process my feelings without ever making me feel that I would be hurting THEM if I wanted to find my birth family. They always made it about me.

    Your daughter WILL ask you about her birth family. She will ask you what you know, and she will want to know every detail of the adoption process. I know, for example, the details of all of the meetings my parents had with the social workers. I know it was a stroke of fate that placed me with them, my Dad was able to reach something up high for one, very short, social worker. When she called months later to tell them of my birth, she told them she had a "beautiful, TALL baby girl" for them. Imagine if my father had not been able to reach that high...I do. Where might I have ended up?

    You can either lie to your daughter, in which case she will take to the internet and find out everything for herself, without your guidance to help her work it through. Or you could take the time to realize that she is always going to love and adore her parents, and that is what you are, mom and dad, and any contact you have with her birth family is just going to make her feel more loved.

    I came across this blog today, while trying to find something for a friend, I am not in the adoption community at all. This is the first time my eyes have been opened to the other side, and I thank you so much. I know from your words that somewhere there is a family who does think of me. I have grown up thinking they probably just went back to their lives, but now that I have had a child of my own, I know that is just not the case. I wish you the very best, and hope for your daughter's sake, ALL FOUR of her parents can come together in her best interest.

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  28. I'm so sorry I left that bit in my last comment about you telling L* and M* how you feel. Clearly I was totally ignorant, not having read more of your blog.

    I know you have stopped writing but ... I just wanted to let you know that there are adoptive parents out there (me!) who do love and cherish their relationships with their birth moms. I even considered not matching with my birth mom because she was initially more reluctant about open adoption. But I had come to believe it in so strongly!!

    I wish I could talk with L* and M* for you. I wish I could make them see that real selfless love for a child would never cause them to be threatened by anyone else. Children can never have too much love! I wish that they could read and educate themselves and understand how much better openness would be for you, and their child, and THEM too.

    When a child grows up, what kind of parents do you think she will feel closer to? Those that held her tightly and needed to be the MOST loved and feared the love of others? Or those who loved and embraced her birth mother and encouraged a loving relationship between them?

    IF YOU CANNOT LOVE A CHILD'S MOTHER THEN YOU DO NOT FULLY LOVE THAT CHILD. Rejection of a child's mother is rejection of the child. It hurts them. I wish more people could see this simple truth.

    I hope that wherever you are you are finding some peace. I'm so sorry for all those who have felt the need to kick you when you were down. It literally breaks my heart.

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