Welcome to the craziness that is my life!

This is my story in pieces. The good ones, the bad ones, and everything in between. It is messy and flawed...just like it's author. I am not a selfliss person...I am not an angel...I am a loud, opinionated, most of the time crazy, Mom. I write here the things I cannot discuss in my "day to day life". These views are my own, from my own journey. Adoption has changed my life forever, some for good, some not so good. If you don't agree with me, that's fine. It's not your story...it's mine. Consider it a manual on "How Not To Act/What Not To Do When You Are Pregnant and Considering Adoption". If you learn nothing else, learn to educate yourself to the long term affects on yourself, your family, and the child you chose to place.

Oh...and please, don't call me "bitter". I prefer the term "enlightened".


***DISCLAIMER-I don't speak for anyone but me...in this story or in life. It is here as an educational tool if anyone chooses to learn something. I appreciate comments always.***

P.S. Just because I don't actively blog doesn't mean I still don't LOVE comments. Yes, I still check them. I guess I would just rather hear YOUR thoughts, than share mine.

If you missed the story, start reading the "Posts of Some Significance" located directly underneath and to the right of this. That's the story in a nutshell.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

You Don't Need Water to Feel Like You're Drowning...


So I am breaking my own rule...AGAIN.


After the fiasco from the "Stat Counter Confessions" series, I swore that I would not blog about my personal situation for awhile. That I would only go through and publish posts that were sitting in draft form regarding several miscellaneous adoption related thoughts I have been having over the last few months, book reviews, movie reviews, etc. "Entitlement" was the first of those. Not directed to or about anyone. Not reflectant on my personal situation or experiences at all. Just thoughts in my head. After the huge influx of anonymous commenters on the blog, meanies on formspring, and the straight up threat letter I received in my email regarding the safety of both my family and my job, I decided that enough was enough, and I was going to take a few months off of the personal stuff.


But the comments keep coming. New posts, old posts, more emails (one of which went to my personal email as opposed to my blog linked email...interesting....), I need to address something personal. Very personal.


This post is not a random vent. It is not me tossing my thoughts out in to the blosphere to ponder. It is also NOT intended for those of you who positively advocate adoption. It is NOT meant for those of you at peace with your decision to help me make peace with mine.

You guys skip this post, and resume reading at a later date.

This is to the meanies...the ones who won't go away. The ones who cannot grasp the concept that this is just me, telling my version of my story...that it is for me to process how I got here...and more importantly, how to get out of here. Who won't stop asking the rhetorical questions that sting. What kind of person am I? What kind of Mother am I? How could I? Enough is enough.


Just stop. Stop reading. Stop asking. Stop.


My adoption journey has turned into a nightmare that I never could have imagined. Regardless of who's at fault, or who did what right or wrong, or what was best for my family, or L* and M*'s family...this is hell. And it really doesn't matter how I got here...what matters is that I AM HERE.

There is a line in one of my most favorite movies, What Dreams May Come that says that "Hell is YOUR life gone wrong." I am in my hell now, and I don't need you to come visit. I don't need you to waste your time and energy thinking of the perfect thing to say to top the last mean thing said. I don't need you to find the right combination of words to make me hurt. To make me feel bad. To call me names. To question my right to parent. I am inflicting my own pain rather nicely, and I don't need your assistance.


I live everyday with the world caving in on my head. With the consequences of a right decision gone wrong screaming in my face. With three beautiful children staring at me, wondering why it's so hard for me to stare back. Suffocating in my own thoughts. Drowning in my own regrets. Swimming in my own bitterness. Walking around smiling like nothing is wrong, while the voices in my head are screaming so loud I can't think straight. Can't sleep. Can't focus. Can't function. I have fought insomnia on and off my entire life. This time, I am loosing that battle. Do you know what it's like to stay awake for days on end, praying for sleep? Do you know what it's like to pray you don't wake up when the sleep does finally kick in? Do you know what it's like to feel indescribable disappointment when you do wake up?


It wasn't supposed to be like this. My decision was supposed to make things right for everyone. Not destroy me as a person. Not supposed to destroy my marriage. Not supposed to turn me from a fun loving, happy go lucky Mom into a shameful, angry, bitter, hopeless shell of one.  But it did. Shit happens, sometimes life sucks. Who are you to judge? Sometimes life works out harder than we think, and we have to deal with that. Sometimes we can't. Sometimes...no matter how much your head tries to process the means to heal and move on, your heart fights tooth and nail to keep you suffering. That's where I am at. Believe me when I tell you I don't want to be, but at this time, I am. Be thankful and feel very lucky that you don't have to be here. It's like being in prison, on 23 hour a day lockdown, serving an unknown sentence. And the hour a day bit of peace doesn't run concurrent...a few minutes here, a few minutes there...never all together.

 Do you know what it's like to not be able to talk about it to your loved ones? To be told you are betraying your family because of the regret and guilt you feel from giving one of them away? To forget about it. To get over it. To move on. That so and so is fine, and you're not, so there must be something wrong with you. That you are weak. That you are pitiful. That if you breathe a word about it, or shed a tear over it, you are ruining everything. That it must mean you hate your own children. To choke on the "what ifs", the coulda, shoulda, woulda's? Do you know what it's like to find joy in nothing. To stop dreaming in color. To be haunted by nightmares on the rare occasions you sleep? To not focus on a single thought longer than five minutes without it somehow linking back to this?

Do you realize that there is no "On/Off" switch? That no matter how much I wanted to wake up today and it not bother me any more...that it still did. I felt the same yesterday...the same a month ago, the same six months ago. Chances are, tomorrow will be the same.

Do you realize that just because I HATE the way my story turned out, that it doesn't mean I want to go rip Lauren out of her parent's arms? That for you to say, "Just Leave Them Alone!" is ridiculous. That I don't camp out in front of their house, or go trick or treat in their neighborhood, or throw the kids in the car and drive over to ask to use their pool? I don't overstep my boundaries. I don't question that they are her parents. I don't want to take her from them. I simply want peace that that's where she is. Don't ask me how to get it...I don't know. There is no outward physical manifestation of my sadness. There is me, this blog, and that's it.

Yes there should have been an agency, or a lawyer, or a facillitator, or a counselor, or something...but there wasn't. There isn't. There can't be. I can't just ask a therapist to sit and talk to me, or medicate me because I feel that's best for me. You need insurance, and I don't have it. Psychiatrists don't do pro bono work based on how crazy you are, or I would be in full time therapy...believe me. There's just this blog. So let me blog. Don't try and make it worse. I know there can't be much satisfation in kicking someone when they're down, and I am about six feet under from down.  Stop kicking.

My pain is my pain. I will write about it because it's all I CAN do about it. I don't question your pain. Or your pain. Or you over there either...you're allowed to hurt. I promise I will leave you be.

Return the favor.

10 comments:

  1. "I just want peace".

    I'm so sorry. I don't know exactly how you are feeling and won't claim that I do, but I do care and am sorry for your hurt and your pain.

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  2. I am so sorry that mean people keep commenting and rubbing salt in your open wounds :(
    Thinking of you...

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  3. You knew even though you told me not to read this post that I would, right?! Michelle, I'm here crying for you again. This "rant" as you call it is not just a rant. As usual, you flood your blog with you - your real feelings, and you are honest and raw. These are the things you haven't told me straight out, but I knew them, I could feel them, hear them in your voice.

    I wish all the "unbelievers" and "meanies" would go away for a while and learn what it means to show sympathy and compassion.

    I love you muy mucho, (and yes, I know that is incorrect Spanish -- I just like to say it).

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  4. Good wishes to you, thinking of you and puting up a few shields against the meanies. x

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  5. Therapy is sometimes overrated. It is what you find in yourself that makes you who you are. Your mind will process this forever, and you are learning how to let it out and learn along the way.

    I love your mind, and agree that one's pain is just that ... their own! If someone wants to say awful things to you, say awful things about what you did or what you are doing, then that is their way of not dealing with what THEY do not like about their lives. About themselves. Keep writing. Keep searching your soul. And if you need to take a time out, then do just that.

    Meanwhile, forward those nasty comments to me ... I have a few things to say to them as well.

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  6. Mrsperrbear, Please understand, God blesses those people who HE feels are the best people for HIS children, as we all are children of GOD. Those people who find themselves without, for what ever reason, become sour, bitter, and hurtful to those who have been truly blessed by God. Those people find themselves turning against God and his people(this has been occuring since the begining of man) They always want to know, Why are others blessed, and they are not? God is the only one who can answer their questions. In the meantime they attack the truly blessed. Please don't pay any attention to these "people" who feel they need to threaten the safety of you and your family, God will protect you and yours. For those people are truly lost souls. Their bitterness and hatefulness have no boundries. They hate, and hate God for leaving them without and lonely. They see that they have not been blessed, they are the dreggs of world. The loners, the lost, and the ones not chosen. These people find themselves attacking God's people. They are very sad people who's life will end with zero contibution to God's kingdom as well as this world. Please continue to do what you do and how you do it, and rest assured you have been chosen, and one day you will walk hand in hand with God, and they will not. Feel no pain, walk with pride with your head held high, as our God has made the same choice you have made, he gave his ONLY son so we could have everlasting life. You have been blessed and in return you have blessed others..this is truly God's way. May peace find you.

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  7. I know this post wasn't meant for me and I at least have the courage to stand behind my comments (although never mean) instead of writing anonymous comments.

    But I read it.
    How could I not? I'm an adoptive mother. I have to read about a birth mother's experience if I am to try to always be grateful and aware of what my blessing means to another. I love that you point blank said that Lauren is with her parents. That you don't wish to rip her out of the arms of her parents. That spoke VOLUMES.

    I hope the meannies will read that. SEE those words and digest it for all it embodies.

    Choosing a life for someone at your own expense is selfless and HARD to do. Most of us will NEVER face that, muchless actually do it.

    I am so sorry you are hurting and struggling. I don't have the answers and I won't pretend to know what you are going through or to try to brush your feelings away with a "get over it" comment.

    I would only say this. It is not worth digesting the comments of someone who doesn't have the NERVE or FORTITUDE to stand behind their comments and sign their name. Only a coward would participate in a drive by...that is what it is when you throw something out there meant to damage and run quickly and secretly away.

    If someone hates your blog they should stop reading. I've stumbled upon blogs I've stopped reading when I realize its not for me. No need to leave a hateful comment. I just won't read it.

    At times I've left a respectful comment with my opposing opinion but I'm not a child. I don't need to bully someone anonymously. I would stop reading when you see where it is going. If they can't sign their name to their own words then its not worth reading.

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  8. I am so sorry that there are such mean people in this world. I'm one of your readers that has never commented. I hope you find peace on your journey, however you can. I hope you won't mind if I pray for you to find that peace.

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  9. I am so sorry you are hurting. I have walked the long, painful path you are on and wept the same tears. Please know there are some of us out here in the blogosphere who are willing to listen with out judgment and to sit shiva with you as you mourn what has happened.

    M.

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